Sunday, December 29, 2013

Christmas merriment and the big Baby Reveal!

Get ready, this is going to be a long one.  It's been two weeks since I last posted and although I have read most of your posts I was usually on the go, reading from my phone and didn't leave any comments.  I have time today to go through and comment on all of your posts so don't think I was ignoring any of you!   The last two weeks were a whirlwind of activities and preparations as I'm sure it was for all of you.  I for one am so happy to be back in my own home, decompressing from all the family craziness and junk food and over stimulation!

Lets start with important baby updates.  I am 11 weeks today!!!!  Two more weeks and I can officially say I'm out of the first trimester!  The last time I posted I had just come back from the Dr. after a spotting scare.  You can read about it here.  Baby was fine, heart beat was 171 and we could see him/her moving it's big ass head.  I continued to spot a brownish CM from Mon-Thurs.  Friday I was back in the clear.  I had another (our 4th) US on Friday with my Dr. and the baby was still looking fabulous.  Heart beat was 186 and everything looked perfect.  I was beyond relieved.

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My Dr. told me the hematoma (small pool of blood by my cervix) was smaller than when I had my US the previous Sunday so it was very likely the brownish CM was the hematoma draining out slowly.  She told me that I might even pass the hematoma as a clot (holy shit, why didn't they tell me that sooner???) so if that happens I SHOULD NOT freak out.  If that had happened between Sun and Fri I would have been crashing through the doors of the nearest emergency room at 500 miles per hour in a blind panic!  That's the LAST thing a spotting pregnant lady wants to see is clots for Christ's sake!  Dr. also told me the fibroid looks to be about an inch which at the time was about the same size as the baby so it looks huge but in reality when the uterus and baby are gigantic, as long as the fibroid doesn't grow (which can happen) then it should be insignificant and not cause a problem. 

B and I had a meet and greet appointment with a midwife and we have decided to go with her for the birth.  She is very laid back and doesn't come off as very militant about home birth.  Some midwives are super militant about avoiding modern interference or are super religious.  I want to avoid both.  Our midwife just wants us to have the best birthing experience possible whether it's at home, at a birth center or if we end up having to be transferred to a hospital.  I already knew someone who had used her and loved her but then my husband just found out that his best friend at work used the other midwife in the same practice (they are partners and back each other up at labors) and loved her!  If that wasn't enough he also found out that another couple from work had her as their midwife and a current couple who is due in may are using her too!  It makes sense because she accepts my husbands insurance and they are located fairly close to where his store is.  But it's nice to know so many people who are telling us how great the two midwives are!  We decided that we want to deliver in a birthing center because our dogs are just too obnoxious and over excited when people come in and out of our house.  Also I want the option to use the birthing tub and the birthing center has awesome tubs!  I have my first official appointment with the midwife on Fri Jan 3rd.

So then there's Christmas.  Remember my family didn't know anything about our pregnancy except for one of my sisters because of her wedding being the same week as my due date!  She has since changed the date of her wedding and hasn't even signed the paperwork to book the venue because she is having issues with her finance....but that's another story altogether!  My plan to reveal to my family that I am pregnant went perfectly!  I had calenders made for my mom dad and each sister.  The calender was filled with cheesy pictures of me, B and our dogs.  Photos of us in Hawaii, canoeing with the dogs in the boat, etc.  I knew my family would be laughing at us and rolling their eyes at how conceded we were for making a calender with our pictures all over it.  Until they got to the July.  July's picture was a giant picture of our latest US, the one I posted above actually.  The caption underneath said: Shhhh, it's a secret!  Introducing Baby Hanawalt!  And on July 20th it said DUE DATE!!!

I wanted to have them open the calenders as soon as we got out of the car, I was soooo anxious and excited to have everybody know but I also wanted to not be suspicious about it.  So I ended up having to wait forever to do it.  We got to my parents house around 6:30pm and everyone was trying to make dinner so it didn't make sense to make people open a present then.  We finally got dinner on the table (not easy with 12 people) and were finishing up around 9:30pm when some neighbors of my parents dropped in!  GRRR!  Apparently my mom thought it would be nice to invite neighbors over for dessert!  Obviously I didn't want them to be part of the big reveal so I had to wait longer.  They finally left around 11:30 and luckily my dad had a white elephant type game planned for us to play.  He often creates elaborate games for the family to play when everyone is together.  They are usually bizzare (one game was all about our significant others judging which sister had the worst childhood! WTF?) and endlessly hilarious because of his mannerisms that are so quintessentially our dad.  I was in tears laughing while he was explaining the instructions how to play.  Without going into detail the name of this years game was Pass, Pass off or Piss off!  Lol!

Anyway since the game involved opening presents I had a good excuse to get the calenders for everyone to open.  I told them they were all opening the same thing so open them at the same time.  Everyone immediately started laughing at us as they looked through the first several pictures.  One sister who I was siting next to was really flipping through it quickly and I thought for sure she was going to get to July when everyone else was still on March but she slowed down a few times to make fun of some of the pictures.  She was still the first one to get to July but she had a good reaction.  It took her a second to process what she was looking at and then she gasped and was like "is this real??"  At that point everyone was on July and then everyone started freaking out.  It was perfect.  I have two videos of the reaction, my sister has one on her phone that I don't have yet.  Both have shitty lighting but I will post the one I have.  I am sitting right in front of the big orb of light so it's hard to see my facial expressions.  Keep your eyes on the sister next to me in the center of the video, she's the one who figures it out first.  Also shortly after everyone realizes what is going on you can hear my mom tell me she "knew" I was pregnant because she had a premonition last week about us telling everyone at Christmas.  I predicted that would be the first thing she would say in my post a while back, I can prove it here.  Then all of us erupt into laughter because she always claims to "know" things after they happen or are announced.  It's classic.

                                                    video



It is such a relief to have everyone in our family know.  B got a little loose lipped this last week at his work so a lot of his friends at work know already.  I have still only told a handful of people.  I am trying to make a lunch date with a close friend of mine to tell her tomorrow.  I am annoyed with her though because she hasn't really called me, texted me or hung out with me since I went to her Halloween party.  I have been best friends with her since the summer before our freshman year in college.  A loooong ass time.  I danced in her project all of last year and saw her every week because of rehearsal.  We are both super busy so we tend to see each other more when we are rehearsing together regularly.  Since the dance project ended in Aug. I have only seen her a few times.  Other friends who supposedly are not as close to me have made more of an effort to ask me how I am doing and send a nice "I'm thinking of you" text or FB message.  I don't know if she just doesn't know what to say to me about IF and our situation depresses her or if she is just wrapped up in her own life and just doesn't realize that we haven't talked or hung out in the last three months.  Either way I have been feeling super bitter about it.  I even contemplated not telling her unless she called me or until she finds out on FB....when and if I decide to post something on FB.  B thought that would really hurt her feelings and that it was too passive aggressive and mean hearted.  He's right.  So I am the one making an effort to set up a lunch date with her.  I just feel annoyed that people who I feel haven't equally shared in our struggle and been there for me when I was really down get to share in the joy and elation.  But that's probably because I am a bitter, petty person.  Right?  And it's not like this friend hasn't been there for me.  That's probably not fair.  I had some very emotional times during the time I was dancing in her project last summer and there were several times she held my hand or hugged me while I sobbed.  So I am trying to just get over it and be nice.

I also have to tell my other very close college friend (the three of us have been a triad for the last 12 years), the one who is pregnant and I have pushed away for the last 9 months.  I am sure that will be a whole other story.  I don't feel as bitter towards her because I know I am 80 percent responsible for the distance between us in the last year.  I still have to give her her baby shower gift (little baby Tom's shoes...so stinkin cute!) so I will have an excuse to get together with her.  She might have her baby first though, she is due in a couple of weeks.

Christmas didn't go by without any drama of course.  There was a fair share of sister bickering, ie. calling each other bitches and worse.  I didn't participate in the name calling but with five sisters in the house there is always a cat fight happening.  There was also a tearful intervention with some of my sisters yelling at my parents about their health and weight issues....so that was fun.  And then on Christmas night I started spotting again.  I managed to not freak out about it.  If you want TMI here it is.  I needed to take a shit.  So I went to the bathroom and my efforts weren't as productive as I felt they should have been.  I felt like more had to come out but it just wasn't happening.  So I gave it my best effort and needless to say there was some straining and extra pushing involved.  When I finally gave up and wiped there was blood.  And not from the poop hole.  There wasn't a ton and it wasn't bright red so I forced myself to believe that I strained to hard and made more of the hematoma leak out.  Spotting on Christmas right after announcing your pregnancy to your family is no bueno.  I stayed calm though and although I did continue to have brown CM again for a few days it's gotten lighter and lighter and I never had any cramps of any kind.  So there it is.  If you are preggo and have previously spotted be aware that should you be a little to enthusiastic about your bowel movement you may experience more spotting.  The more you know....










Sunday, December 15, 2013

And the Academy Award goes to....

The 9 weeks pregnant lady who's experiencing spotting while she hosts her holiday turtleneck party and pretends A) she's not pregnant, just fat and B) blood?  What blood?  In other words, me.  Last night.  Holy shit, I can't even describe what an emotional mind fuck I've just been through.  Let's back up.

Thursday I told one of the families I nanny for that I am pregnant.  I wasn't going to tell them until after I told my family at Christmas but the mom got a full time job offer and was negotiating with them and deciding if she was going to accept it.  I was feeling really guilty about not telling them I was pregnant just in the small chance it might effect her decision.  I was pretty sure it wouldn't effect it but I just didn't want them to feel frustrated in Jan after she had already made a choice.  Anyway they were super happy and excited about it.  The dad immediately told me very sincerely that I was going to be the best mom which was very sweet.  I told them it was early and we kind of talked about how long we had been TTC and how we actually finally achieved this pregnancy.  I had been keeping all of that info a secret from them because I was already TTC when I took the job with them and then felt awkward telling them I was trying to get knocked up.  So I felt relieved and it is so nice to actually talk about my pregnancy and have other people acknowledge it.  It makes it more real.

Friday was normal.  I did some grocery shopping after work to prep for our holiday turtleneck party that we hosted on Sat. night.  My sister had cleaned my house (yes, I pay my college age sis to clean my house, it's worth every penny) so I really only had little detail stuff to care of.  B and I did have sex Fri night.  

Sat morning was normal.  I woke up earlyish and taught a pilates class for an hour.  I didn't really demonstrate anything, I mostly just walked around and talked them through all the exercises.  I then drove about 30 min to pick up my dogs meds at the vet and then stopped at the grocery store (again) to grab a few missing party ingredients.  I then went home and was seriously debating taking my dogs across town to a petco that was doing Santa pics.  I really wanted to go.  My husband basically talked me out of it because he didn't want to go.  I decided I was too lazy and didn't want to deal with xmas shopping traffic around town and was lounging around on my bed when all of sudden I felt a little spurt "down there".  I immediately thought, huh, I should go check that out!  So I went to the bathroom and it was blood.  Not brown discharge but full on blood, like my period.  No clots or tissue but definitely bright red and dark red blood.  I tried to tell myself that spotting can be totally normal but I quickly unraveled and fell to pieces.  This happened at 2 pm, party start time was 7pm. Worst possible timing ever!  The spotting quickly subsided after about 10 wipes but I was scared shitless.  I called the clinic to try to get a US asap and because it is the weekend I had to deal with the answering service which is so annoying.  Finally I talked to a nurse who said they couldn't get me in until this morning at 10am.  She told me that they would be worried if I was soaking through a pad in an hour for a couple of hours and that made me feel half way better because it was no where near close to that by any stretch of my overreacting imagination.  She said it was possible that having sex had irritated my cervix.  

We decided it would be more trouble to cancel the party that late in the game and have to make up a half assed excuse as to why we were canceling so we decided to just power through it.  I told the nurse we were hosting a party and asked her if we should cancel it and asked if I just needed to be in bed.  She said that at this point they didn't recommend bed rest and as long as I took it pretty easy it would be fine to have a party.  Then at 4 pm the spotting game back.  It was kind of the same as the first time.  I had another cry and then sucked it up and put on my eye makeup so I couldn't cry anymore.  My sister and best friend (who both know we are pregnant and who I both immediately texted when I started spotting) came over early to help finish food prep.  Everyone else came over and it was somewhat of a distraction.



There is one lady who is the wife of my husband's coworker but they are also in our circle of party friends (ie. we really only hang out at parties not really ever one on one).  We have been open with them about our infertility and because she is a nurse she is really into following all of our treatment and ALWAYS asks me about it and wants to talk about it.  I was pretty sure she was giving me questioning looks at the beginning of the evening because I am seriously 15 lbs heavier than the last time I saw them and my belly is sticking out like it never has before.  My turtleneck dress did not help to tone down the pregnant look and I felt very self conscious around her specifically.  Later in the evening I had a conversation with a different friend about her baby weight loss and working out.  The nurse friend was listening to our conversation and I really talked up how I hadn't been dancing/performing and had gained weight and am now the heaviest I've ever been.  I am pretty sure it worked.  At a later point in the evening the nurse friend and I were talking again and she brought up that she's gained 15 lbs since selling their house and basically being homeless until their new house closes.  So I think I threw her off the scent.

I made it through the night and had one more good cry in bed before falling asleep.  I of course woke up in the way too early morning with insomnia.  Finally it was time to get up and take a shower.  No blood but feeling twingey feeling.  Not really cramps and if there had been no bleeding I wouldn't have thought twice about it but I am of course over analyzing every gurgle that happens.  I cried after I got dressed.  I cried in the car.  I cried in the waiting room at the clinic.  I cried when I took my pants off.  My husband was with me the whole time and held it together which is what I needed.  He sat right next the exam bed and held my hand unprompted.  Major props.  He was scared too though.  The US tech (or whatever they are, nurses? Dr.s?) came in and we briefly talked about how the spotting occurred.  She then inserted the wand and almost immediately said the baby looked great and she saw a good heart beat.  I lost my shit.  I started sobbing so hard I was making the image on the screen shake all over the place.  My husband was squeezing my hand and telling me it was okay.  The heart beat is 171 and I am measuring 8 weeks, 5 days.  So now baby is only 2 days behind (still totally in the normal window), last US he/she was 3 days behind.



The US tech (whatever) lady said I have a fibroid on my right side that could be the cause of the bleeding.  It doesn't affect the uterus or the pregnancy.  I have a small pool of blood by my cervix and the cause of bleeding could be an irritated cervix.  She showed us the baby's little arm buds that are sprouting and we watched the baby wiggle it's giant head back and forth.  It was so fucking cute!  I sobbed my way through the rest of the US and then we went to the small waiting room in the back while the official Dr. on call looked over our US results.  The Tech came back and said the Dr. thought everything looks great.  We talked about moving my Wed appointment to Friday instead.  She said the on call Dr. (not my regular) said it wasn't necessary to have another US but I definitely want one in a week with my Dr. to make sure baby is still progressing and everything is okay!  I am going to be a nut job when I move on to the midwife and don't get to have and US every week or two.

So now I have peace of mind that baby is doing well and I just hope that there is no more bleeding.  Scary, scary shit.  I am exhausted and need to sleep now.   

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

catching up...

Hey there.  Thought I would post although not much has been happening since our US last wed.  I have to wait another week and one day before our next US...I can't wait!

I still dont have many symptoms...I keep waiting to have a wave of nausea hit me like a brick wall but so far there's been nothing.  I feel fat but not bloated and honestly I was already about 10 lbs fatter than my "normal" weight when I got pregnant so no wonder.  I kinda already look like I'm showing a bump but I know its really just fat :(

I still have no increased sense of smell, no cravings or food aversions.  No nausea.  I am peeing once in the middle of the night but during the day I dont really feel like I'm using the bathroom that much more than normal.  There have been a few times that I waited too long to eat and I started to feel a little sick (and a whole lot bitchy) but then as soon as I eat in feel fine.  I haven't really had as many crampy type sensations either.  It makes it seem like this is not real.  I keep looking at my last US pic and remember how that little heart was beating so beautifully to try to reassure myself.

It just astounds me that I might be getting off sooo easy in the first trimester!  My mother was so sick throughout the entire pregnancies of all five of us girls.  Before I had my surgery my periods were so terrible I would routinely throw up and be miserable so I've always assumed I would have horrible morning sickness.  This makes me think that the baby is not growing and developing normally or worse...I'm having a boy!  Totally just kidding!  I do REALLY want a girl but my husband was such a cute little boy (so was my dad) so I think I can cope if it turns out to have a little penis.  I am kind of looking forward to announcing I have penis growing inside me if it is indeed a boy, he he.  Tacky, yes.  But too fucking funny to pass up!

Seriously though I have read that there is a connection with girls having higher HCG (I think that's the hormone) levels and those higher levels make you experience nausea more strongly.  I asked my Dr and she confirmed that there is some truth to it but you never know till the anatomy scan.  I guess I will have to wait until Feb.

I need to start working on my reveal project for when/how I tell my family.  Remember they are all still in the dark about my pregnancy.  Only one of my sisters knows.  I'm telling them on Christmas eve or Christmas depending on how things go.  Here's how I'm going to do it.  I'm going to give them all a calander (each person gets one) filled with pics of me, my husband and my dogs.  They are going to roll their eyes and laugh at how conseeded we are and probably just give us a lot of shit.  But then whoever is the first one to turn to July will be the first one to realize we are pregnant because July's pic will be the newest US picture and I will write in "DUE DATE!" on July 20.  It will be so fun to see who figures it out first and to see everyone's reactions.  I wish I could fast forward to Christmas right now!!  I haven't been this excited for Christmas since I found out about Santa!

In other random news, we are hosting a turtleneck party at my house on Sat so I need to clean my house and make food, etc.  I bought a hilarious magenta, vintage 80's turtleneck dress to wear.  Its awesome.  I'm just hoping I dont look too fat (or pregnant) since none of our friends know yet.  I would probably tell everyone at the party our big news but I dont feel like it's fair to tell friends before my parents know.

Ok, I guess that covers things for now.  Hope everyone is taking care of themselves and hanging in there!

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Holy Shit (wait have I already made this the title of a previous post?)

I just sent an email to a midwife.  About possibly delivering MY baby.  WTF universe is this?  That was a surreal moment.  Again I have more to say about the midwife thing but I don't want to write a long ass post right now.  My husband is patiently (more or less) waiting to watch netflix in bed so I gotta get to bed.  It's fucking freezing here btw.  :(  Hate it.  So cold.  And it's dark here by literally 4:15.  Ok, good night. 

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Short and Sweet

7 Week, 3 Day ultrasound happened this afternoon.  Baby's heartbeat was strong and very measurable this time!  Thank fucking god!  It was 145 bmp.  The fetal pole also grew by 2/3 from one week ago!  It jumped from a 3 something to a 9 something!  All good news.  I am measuring 3 days behind technically but my RE says that anything within a week is totally normal so everything is exactly where we want it.  Again, thank fucking god.  I have one more appointment in two weeks at the clinic and then we graduate!  Yikes!  This means that we actually need to find someone to deliver this baby (fingers crossed).  I have been casually searching midwives and there is one in particular I need to contact so more on that later!  Official due date is July 20th! 

Sorry for the terrible glare...I had to take a pic of the US with my phone.



Looking a little like a baby?


Wednesday, November 27, 2013

6 Week, 3 Day Ultrasound

Drum roll please......

There is only ONE baby in there!  I can't believe it!  It took 8 mutha fuckin follicles to get one egg to fertilize...WTH?  I kind of was thinking there was only one based on how mellow my symptoms have been so far, although this morning I did have to force myself to eat 1/2 a whole wheat english muffin while trying not to vomit but I think most of that was just nerves.  I alternated between feeling like I was going to dissolve into tears or start puking every 3 minutes this morning before our appointment.

B went into work early this morning and I picked him up at 8:30.  He looked like he was sick too.  He was as nervous as I was but his reaction was to be introverted almost like he was pissed at me for something.  I had to ask him to hold my hand which kind of pissed me off. 

We got to the clinic and of course waited a good 15 minutes past our appointment time.  They finally led us back and I learned that I should have an EMPTY bladder for the ultrasound, wish I'd known that before I drank a giant cup of tea and then had 2 dixi cups of water while in the waiting room!  I swear they always change it up on me.

Our Dr. came in a shook our hands while giving her congratulations.  Have I mentioned that she has a killer handshake?  It was the first thing I really noticed about her and that first handshake just sealed the deal for me.  This is not something I usually hold a lot of stock in or something I admire about people.  It's just this crazy strong grip that is bold, to the point and screams "I'm in charge and I get shit done!"

Ok so skip to actually seeing the baby (little smear of white inside black hole) on the screen.  We could immediately see one.  I kept looking for more but that's it, just one.  That in and of it's self was shocking.  The Dr. measured it and showed us the fetal pole.  I measured at exactly 6 weeks, 3 days which were my calculations (pat myself on the back).  The fetal pole she said was a tiny bit on the small side but she said (I am choosing to blindly believe her) at this early stage in pregnancy that it was normal.  We then tried to find the heartbeat.  She zoomed in on it but then it would get blurry.  She had me hold my breath so that my breathing didn't get in the way of catching the baby's heartbeat.  She said she definitely saw a flicker but just couldn't get a clear enough picture to measure it.  B and I definitely saw it too when it was more zoomed out and focused.  She said that was also normal since our ultrasound is early and they usually measure the heartbeat at 7 weeks or after.  So we have an appointment for next Wed. and that will be the big one...hopefully we see a super strong heartbeat and a bigger fetal pole!

The Dr. printed out 3 pictures for us and she handed them to me.  I looked at them and the tears just started flowing out.  I never thought that I would actually get to hold my ultrasound pictures and see my baby.  I just can't believe this is real.  I know we are not out of the woods and in the clear but It's been such a long, long 3 years.  So many ups and downs and stagnant moments.  I am so different than I was 3 years ago.  B is different.  We are different.  I feel so much older.  I feel battle weary.  I feel so very grateful and relieved.  I feel hungry.  I feel like I need to pee again, damn it! 

(Maybe once I can figure out how to scan the US pic I will post it...not tech savvy enough to do it without help from B.) 

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Obsessive panty checker

That's what I've become.  Every time I go to the bathroom I close my eyes and hold my breath before I meticulously inspect the contents of my panties and then I do it again when I wipe.  I haven't seen anything even remotely close to brown CM or spotting but I am so scared.  Scared shitless.

I just dont feel pregnant.  I barely have sore breasts,  I haven't had one hint of nausea, I dont feel tired, I have no food aversions or notice more intense smells.  Even the bloating and very mild crampy twinge feeling have subsided.  And last night I didn't even have to get up in the middle of the night to pee.  I do still notice the errect nips and very occasionally a twinge in the ovary area.  I do kinda feel like there's a small water balloon in my uterus...I'm not able to engage my abs like usual and arching my back just a little feels like a big stretch for my abs.

Tomorrow is our first US.  I will be 6 weeks and 3 days.  We should be able to see a heart beat.  I am so worried we won't find one.  How awful that would be...on so many levels, the least of which would be having to get on an airplane and spend thanksgiving in someone else's house for 4 days waiting to have a miscarriage.  I know, not a very positive attitude.  Have you read my blog before?  I'm not a very positive person, at least not when it comes to my IF.

So I am a ball of stress and angst and 9 am tomorrow can not come fast enough.

Monday, November 25, 2013

In other news...

Hey everybody!  Send your well wishes and sticky baby dust love to the cork and stork and Stupid Stork the next couple days.  Both ladies had their FET today!!!  I am soooooo  excited for both of them!  I haven't stopped thinking about how they are doing all day!  Also I will announce the big lie on my Two Truths and a Lie post soon so get your vote in now! 

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Stork Award!

I am finally getting around to answering the questions that were given to me when I was nominated for the Stork Award, Teresa at Where the *bleep* is our stork's new blog award!  I absolutely Love the logo, I think it is so beautiful and poetic and just adore Teresa.




Please, spread this award across the blogging community to those bloggers who bring song to your life.
Hugs!
How it works:
1. Include the Stork Award icon in your post
2. Link to the person(s) who nominated you
3. Answer the 10 questions about yourself
4. Nominate as many bloggers as you want to receive the award 
5. Ask your nominees 10 new questions 
6. Link your nominees and let them know they've been nominated
7. Post the Stork Award icon on your blog side bar if you are so inclined  


Here are my questions that I had to answer: 

  1. Do you like to plan things out in detail or be spontaneous?  It really depends on what we are talking about....some things I love to plan and obsess over in great detail but I also think I can be spontaneous and fly by the seat of my pants. 
  2. What embarrasses you?  When my clients fart in the middle of a session. 
  3. What are some of your favorite websites?  Sadly I am on FB way too often.  Blogging world of course.  Zappos. 
  4. How would you explain your basic life philosophy?  Try to be compassionate and kind.  Take chances and be happy in this very moment.  Is that a life philosophy? 
  5. Would you rather be hated or forgotten?  I guess I don't really care either way. 
  6. What do you like least about yourself?  How self critical I am about my body and the fact that I am a huge gossip. 
  7. Do you have a favorite number? Any particular reason why you like that number?  I have always like 14 and 56.  14 because that's my birthday and 56 because my favorite times table was 7x8.  I don't know why, I hate math. 
  8. If you could try out any job for a day, what would you like to try?  Maybe an ER Dr? 
  9. If you could go back in history, who would you like to meet?  Young Bob Dylan circa early 1960s.
  10. How are you, really?  Well, when I first got this nomination my answer would've been "OK."  I wasn't feeling super desperate or super sad.  I was pretty much resigned to the fact that medicated IUIs for some unexplained reason just were not going to work for us and I was mentally preparing to gear up for IVF.  I was looking forward to 3-6 months of getting uber healthy and focusing my time and energy on my whole body and not just my vagina and uterus.  I was really looking forward to a break from all the drugs, Dr.s appointments and poking and prodding.  Now though after our out of the blue, completely unexpected BFP I am of course over the moon!  And also terrified that it's all going to end as abruptly as it started.  I am feeling a little shocked that I am actually pregnant and wish I felt more different to prove it to myself.  But I am happy and trying to enjoy it moment by moment!  

The bloggers I nominate are: 
Aislinn over at baby makin'
Mrs. B of Fertility Schmertility  
Kasey over at Stupid Broken Eggs
Jane from Mine To Command
Sarah at When is it my turn?   

My questions for you are:

1)  What would have been your ideal age to have your first child?  
2)  What is your favorite way to distract yourself? 
3)  How many relationships have you had?  
4)  If you had to choose an ethnicity of food to eat from for the rest of your life what would it be?  ex. Mexican/Italian/Thai/Ethiopian, etc....
5)  When you were 13 what were you wearing? 
6)  What is the most adventurous thing you have ever done? 
7)  Do you have a favorite artist? 
8)  Do you think you take after your mother or your father more? 
9)  If you could be a musical genius what instrument would you choose to play? 
10)  Would you rather travel by air, water or land?  In what kind of vehicle? 


PS if you haven't already guessed which one is the lie on my last post two truths and a lie, please do it right now!  I am excited to reveal the answer!   

 

Friday, November 22, 2013

Two truths and a lie

I got tagged when I read Jenny's blog so now you are tagged too! 

Here are the rules: 

Tell us 3 things about you and make 1 of them a lie. Try to think about what other bloggers already know about you, what they might not know, and what might shock them. The trick is to make it difficult to tell which of the three is the lie....


Here are my two truths and one lie.  Comment and let me know which one you think is the lie and I will let you know...


1) To date I have witnessed five babies being born. 

2) While in college I was a waitress at Hooters for a little over a year.  It paid the bills.

3) I moved out of my parents house and 3 hours away to the "big city" when I was just 16.

Let the guessing begin and may the odds be ever in your favor!



Thursday, November 21, 2013

Beta results are in...

2,597!

Yay, I am officially pregnant!  I thought this number was low and my heart started to sink but my nurse has assured me that it is actually a little higher than what they would expect for 5 weeks, 3 days pregnant.  (I think I am actually 5 weeks, 4 days but whatevs).  I managed to get them to agree to do my first ultrasound on Wed. before Thanksgiving and amazingly they had an appointment AND my RE is available to do it!  I have seen this lady like maybe 4 times.  Almost all my IUIs were on the weekends and were done by nurses (I think?  Dr.s?) and all my ultrasounds were done by what seemed to be lower level Dr.s  Anyway I am so excited (and still nervous) to hopefully see a heart beat and count how many are in there!

We are going to Minn. for Thanksgiving to visit B's brother and sister in law and our two nephews.  My mother in law is also going to be visiting.  B REALLY wants to tell them because although we could make the 3 plus hour trip to tell his mom later when we are a little more secure that this is going to stick, this is definitely our only opportunity to tell his brother in person.  So I think as long as we have a good ultrasound on Wed. we will tell them!  We have a tricky reveal cooked up too.  I will explain that later. 

I am still not experiencing too many symptoms.  I feel the most pregnant at night when I get in bed.  My tummy feels all squishy and there is more stretchy activity going on.  I also still have insomnia.  I want to get morning sickness.  But I don't really.  But I do!  I think it will make me feel like this is real.  But seriously I don't.  I work one on one with my Pilates clients and also teach Pilates and dance classes to groups of adults and kids.  I truly have no idea how I will function if I want to barf in the middle of one of my sessions or classes.  Some of the kids I teach are really little, like 3 and 4 so I can't just run to the bathroom and leave them in the studio by themselves.  I hope I feel a little queezy but not so much that I cant get through my day.  I just can't get knocked on my ass.

Hey!  Did you hear that my beta is 2,597 and I'm pregnant????? 


Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Beta

Don't get excited.  I haven't had a blood draw yet.  Unfortunately Mon/Tues are two of my busiest work days and the clinic didn't have any early morning appointments so my beta is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon at 3pm.  What sucks about that is because it's so late in the day I wont get results until Thurs.  Boo!  :( 

I am worried.  Of course.  I don't have any nausea and really only my nips are sensitive.  I have no issues with food or smells.  I haven't been exhausted.  I do have little twinges from the uterus/ovary area still.  Not cramps but something happening.  I read it's my uterus stretching.  I already feel like I cant engage my abdominals as well as I normally can (something I do all the time for teaching dance and pilates) and I feel fat/bloated.  I already had a little tummy roll and now I feel like I need to wear lose shirts.  Crazy. 

I tried to be really mellow when I was teaching last night and tonight.  I teach a couple of Ballet classes and pointe, Modern, Jazz, Jazz/tap combo and a little kids hip hop class.  Ballet doesn't worry me so much until we get to jumping and then I get paranoid.  I am worried I did too much teaching my hip hop class and modern with all the jumping around and rolling...I am just scared I am going to start bleeding!  I know exercise is good and recommended but I am just scared.  Maybe I will feel better when I get good beta results?

One really annoying thing that has been continuing is my insomnia.  I am usually a really good sleeper.  Out in 5 minutes and sleep through the night even when my dogs and husband get up and make noise.  Not anymore.  It started last wed night before I tested and found out that I am pregnant.  I woke up with my mind racing, thinking about if I was pregnant or if I wasn't pregnant.  And if I was how I would tell people and when.  And when I would tell work and stop working and then when I would go back to work.  Wondering if it was one baby or twins or more?  And if I wasn't pregnant what would our next steps be and etc, etc, etc.   Then Thurs I slept better but then Fri the insomnia was back and has continued since.  And I am talking for like at least 2 hours I am lying completely wide awake.  It sucks.

I have already told my sister who is next in line after me.  She is two years younger.  I really only told her because she is scheduling her wedding and if this pregnancy is actually for real and is sticking around then my due date is only 4 days before her scheduled wedding.  She has been having a hard time booking the venue and hasn't put any money down on it yet so I wanted to let her know so if she wanted to change the date she could.  She does want to push it back to later in Aug. or even Sept. so I am glad I told her now.  It's also kinda fun to have somebody in on our secret.  Pending how betas go, we may or may not tell my husbands mom and brother over Thanksgiving.  I know it's super early to tell people but it's our only chance to tell them in person and B REALLY wants to tell them.  I am hoping I can get an ultrasound to see the fetal pole and heart beat on the Wed. before thanksgiving and then I will feel a little better about telling them so soon.  My nurse left a message saying ultrasound at 7 weeks so I might have to fight with them to get one at 6 weeks, 3 days.  I just hope we even get to that point!  

As for the rest of my family I am cooking up plans of telling them on Christmas.  We will be at my parents house and all my sisters will be there.  I will be 10 and a half weeks at that point (if we make it there!)  and almost done with my first trimester.  I think my mom (and my sisters) might be more mad than happy because I didn't tell her right away but I think it will be entertaining none the less!  My mom always claims to be psychic so I can't wait to hear her say "I just knew it!"  even though she's lying through her teeth.  That's her classic line after the fact.  I am thinking about announcing that B and I have thought a lot about it and decided to not do IVF in May as planned and possibly wait until after my sisters wedding.  Then when everyone is like "WHY???" I will say "well, a couple of reasons but I guess the main reason is because we are already pregnant!"  Cue cheers and screams of joy all around. 

Anyway, I hate that I jump ahead weeks and months when this could all be fleeting.  I am constantly reminded of the fragility of this moment so don't think I have just skipped right over into "now my life is perfect!" land.  It is just so damn hard to not get excited and start thinking about the future.  I do this with everything in my life, work situations, vacation plans, all sorts of jumping ahead of myself.  

Should I pee on a HPT in the morning before I do my beta?  I think I will because I have them.  Unfortunately it's the one that just says pregnant so I wont be able to compare lines.  If it still says pregnant I will feel a little relieved and if it says not pregnant then I guess I will be prepared for bad news.  Ok, I am avoiding taking a shower so I gotta go.  I'll post again as soon as I get the beta results!  


Sunday, November 17, 2013

This shit is happening.

Today is CD35.
Today is 22DPIUI.
Today is 21DPO (or 22DPO depending on how you look at it.).

Today is the day I peed on a stick and saw this:


I am legitimately, 100%, mother fucking pregnant!  To say I am shocked is an understatement.  This is the first BFP I have ever had.  I really can't believe it's real.  I am 5 weeks pregnant....whaaaat?  This is completely surreal.  In 9 days I could potentially see a heart beat.  And we will find out A) if it's a healthy looking, viable pregnancy and B) how many of those 8 follies managed to fertilize and burrow in....definitely nervous about A and B. 

This is how it went down.  After several nights filled with anxiety and insomnia we woke up this morning with a plan.  Get coffee and donuts and then go buy pregnancy tests.  I wanted to see two lines and the word pregnant.  I wont lie, if there were two lines I wanted to stare and obsess over how dark of a line the second one was.  There is an amazing donut shop only about 15 blocks away from us but we somehow manage to only go there maybe twice a year.  So today we got our donuts and went to the drug store.  I made sure to buy some soap and conditioner also so we didn't just have two boxes of pregnancy tests at the checkout.  The girl behind the counter kept trying to catch my eye and smile coyly anyway.  It annoyed me so I was bitchy and actively gave her the cold shoulder.  That's how I roll. 
I highly recommend you put together a kit like this for your next HPT!


We went home and B immediately starts pushing me to go take the tests but I didn't really need to pee yet and I was honestly feeling like I was going to be sick.  I was filled with dread and so nervous.  Eventually I was like, fuck this.  Let's just get it over with.  I peed in a cup because if the first test showed two lines then I wanted to immediately do the digital test that says "Pregnant".  I peed in a plastic cup left over from one of our parties and was crackin up because I almost overflowed it!  And it was really gross to look at a big cup of your own urine and think "that looks like something I would drink!"  I dipped the stick in the cup facing away from me so I couldn't see it and then after I counted to 20 I put the cap on it and threw myself against the towel rack trying not to throw up.  It was probably only 15 seconds later, maybe only 10 but it felt like an eternity before B said in a disappointed voice oh shit... my heart sank and I turned around to look at it before running to bed and hiding under the covers for the rest of my life.  Before I even saw it B continued with "I hope your ok with being pregnant cause there's two lines!"  Of course I immediately started crying and shaking.  My heart was pounding.  I think the first thing I said was "oh my fucking god!"  We did the other test and waited to see the word pregnant pop up...it did.

I am in disbelief.  We have been waiting for this for 3 and a half years.  We have worked so hard for this.  I have put my body through so much especially in the last year and a half.  I know this isn't game over.  I know we have a way to go before I can really breathe easy(ier).  But this is my first BFP friends.  I really thought it might never happen.  I will call the clinic tomorrow and find out if they will let us do an ultrasound to see the fetal pole and hopefully heartbeat on the Wed. right before Thanksgiving.  I assume they will also want me to come in to get a beta number before then.

I got tons of love and support from my fertility group on FB.  All private of course so none of my other people on FB can see it.  I am blown away by how gracious and happy all these ladies have been...I know I haven't always had happy thoughts when someone has gotten their BFP.  I know first hand how hard it is to find joy in someone elses victory.  It makes me feel very humble and so fortunate.  You ladies are all far better, more evolved women than I.  I promise to not be obnoxious in my future posts and updates.  I promise I will still be bitter and sarcastic and PISSED.  I might have to change the name of my blog to Now Pregnant and Still PISSED!  

Anyway I am getting ahead of myself.  First we need a beta number or two and then I need to see that heartbeat! 

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Something? Or nothing?

Alright, here it is.  I am so scared to even whisper a word of this post because as soon as I do I just know my bubble will be burst and by that I mean blood will come trickling out of my va jay jay.  Too graphic?  Sorry, I had VERY little sleep last night.  I was awake from 3:30am until my alarm went off at 5:55.  My mind was racing! 

Today is CD32.  No sign of AF.  I wouldn't put much thought into it normally (I have been known to go to CD36 in the past) but I had those 8 juicy (I don't know why I keep referring to them as juicy.  That's annoying, sorry.)  follicles that were ready to go so I had a trigger shot on CD13 and then the IUI on CD14.  So does that mean that I technically ovulated on CD15?  Doesn't the trigger shot force the follies to release the eggs 36 hrs later?  Help!  Assuming my calculations are correct, that puts me at about 18 DPO!  A normal luteal phase is 12-16 days. 

Here's what else has been going on.  The few days after the IUI I felt cramping but it was too early to be implantation.  I chalked it up to the 8 follicles and all the poking around in there.  I mean, there's a lot of shit going on up in there!  But then last weekend I was really bloated and my abs (maybe uterus?) felt really...tight, for lack of a better description.  When I reached my arms over my head my abs felt sore and like it was a stretch, strange because believe me I didn't do any ab workout.  I also have had a few episodes of standing up from sitting (yes, usually hunched over) and getting a sharp ovary pain. 

Then on Tues and Weds my breasts were sore.  Let me let you in on a little secret.  I have like zero sensation in my nipples and breasts.  B can tweak and suck to his hearts desire and I feel nothing.  TMI?  Sorry, no sleep = no filter.  My breasts are never sore when AF comes to town.  So noticing that my nips have been more...er, erect and generally sensitive makes me think that maybe, just maybe something is actually happening.  God, I fucking said it.  Now it really wont come true. 

I refuse to test until Sunday and I am sticking to it.  I cant bare to see another negative test.  I cant cope with the disappointment if it's negative.  This could all be nothing.  I have had phantom nipple pain before.  My period has been late before (but I probably ovulated late that cycle).  This could be a chemical pregnancy.  This could be me being an overreacting lunatic and just. be. nothing. 

But please, please, please be something...

Monday, November 11, 2013

AF is a stone cold beeotch.

So today is CD 29.  But because I had 8 juicy follicles ready to go and got a trigger shot on CD 12 that puts me at 16 DPO.  I am sure my period is right around the corner but so far she's a no show. 

This doesn't mean my hopes are up.  This doesn't mean I am thinking about getting a pregnancy test.  This means I am in "wear a panty liner every waking moment" mode.  This means every twinge I feel in the low abdomen area gets over analyzed.  This is probably the worst part of the roller coaster for me.  I know I'm going to get my period but then it stalls and I start to let in just a glimmer of hope and then I get my period and I hate myself for feeling disappointed when I knew it was going to turn out that way from the start.  Sorry for the run on sentence.

 I even finally had sex last night hoping it would kick start AF.  It had been a while.  A loooonnng while.  After our IUI and our two nights of BD after, I took my usual "do not touch me for 5 days (or more)" break.  Then B got sick with a gross cold which turned him into a flemmy, coughing, snoting, sneezing baby.  I wasn't going near that! 

Maybe I will try it again tonight to try to get the next cycle started.  I realized that if I get my period like right now then we can actually squeeze in our last IUI before we leave on our Thanksgiving vacation!  I am really hoping that the timing works out and then all our IUIs will be done before xmas and we can just start fresh in the new year with a new plan.  

Was just remembering how seeing that first smear of blood on my underpants or toilet paper used to make me feel so relieved.  How times have changed. 

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Chillin...

Still chillin in the 2WW over here.  Really nothing to report.  Pretty sure this cycle will end in a BFN.  I did have some ovary pain and crampy type feelings the day of the IUI all the way to Wed of last week.  I am sure I can chalk that up to all the drugs forcing me to create 8 plus (8 that were mature but I had more that technically didn't count) follicles and then forcing the follicles to release the eggs with more drugs, followed by a catheter inserted through my cervix and then the BD we had to do later that night and the next!  Since then I really haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary except for possibly some enlarged/slightly sensitive nips which have now returned to normal.

I called my nurse today to get approval to do one more IUI with Clomid and FSH injection.  That would be our 7th.  I am not totally sure we will do it, I have to discuss it more with B and look into how much money we have left on our insurance credit card because no part of the IUI is covered by our insurance so it comes directly out of our pocket, ie off the insurance credit card. 

I want to give it one more shot since it is relatively easy and painless.  I would like to really rule out IUI working for us and get it over with right before the holidays.  Shit.  It actually just occurred to me that we are going to Minn. for Thanksgiving and I am pretty sure that would be our ovulation weekend.  Shit.  Well, even if we skip a cycle and then try one last time in Dec. we will still wrap it up before the new year.  That would be nice. 

That means that the only option we have left to get me pregnant is IVF.  Fuck, I really cant believe we have traveled down this road this fucking far.  I really never imagined this is what it would come to.  It is almost like an out of body experience.  Is this really happening to me? 

When/If we move on to IVF that means we need to get super stingy about saving our money.  Something neither of us is good at.  We have a good chunk of the money that my parents gave us this summer (which still just blows my mind!) but if we do the ATTAIN program, which I think is the smartest way to go, then we still need possibly another 10K.  Do we have that?  Fuck no!  Do we have close to it?  Ha!  Nope!  Maybe we can pull together 5K but that basically wipes out both of our savings.  One of our dogs got cancer a year and a half ago and we spent practically every last penny we had in savings on surgeries trying to save his life.  Sadly it didn't work and it cleaned out of savings.  B gets VERY stressed out about not having a little buffer in his savings account for emergencies.  So really we have to save enough money to cover IVF and still have a little bit of money in the bank. 

This means we don't do IVF right away in the new year...and I am okay with that.  As much as I would love to hurry up and be pregnant right this second I am also looking forward to a break from all the appointments, drugs, injections, poking and prodding.  I am looking forward to getting back into a good work out routine and feeling good about my body again (do I ever really feel good about my body?).  I also want to do a 3 or 4 month cleanse to clean my body out so I have the absolute healthiest eggs possible for retrieval.  I also would be happy to not have a winter baby!  So I am hoping that we can make IVF work for May or June.  It would be so great to be pregnant before my 33rd bday in June.  We will see what happens. 

Anyhoo that's enough rambling for one night. 

Remember when it was 2 buck chuck???

Monday, October 28, 2013

IUI #6...maybe the last one?

On saturday I had my ultrasound to count follicles and check the sizes and lining of my uterus.  Lining looked good and she counted 8 follicles over the 15 mark (.15?)!!!  I usually have around three.  It was also only CD13 so having that many already that big was a little early.  Usually on CD12 or CD13 I still have a couple more days of POAS and waiting for a happy face on the OPK.

The nurse asked if I had already signed the risk of multiples release form (yes, I did several IUIs back) and said she needed to discuss with the Dr. on call to determine how to proceed.  She basically needed permission to go ahead with the trigger shot and IUI because I had so many mature follicles.

I got dressed and waited in the small waiting room in the back.  The nurse came out and said the Dr. knew I signed the form but they really needed to reiterate the high risk of multiples with this cycle.  She emphasized it could result in not just twins but triplets or worse more.  She asked me if I wanted to proceed.  I said "yes, let's do it!"   I figure I had 5 other IUIs that could have resulted in multiples and I never even got a BFP.  Why should this one be any different?  I just want to do this IUI (and possibly one more) and be done with them.  We will be thrilled for a BFP and even more excited if it is twins!  If its more than that I will be scared shirtless but at least I'll be pregnant, right?  And if I end up being octomom then we will just star in our own reality television show and we'll deal.

So after getting the trigger shot on Sat I had the IUI yesterday and it was all smooth and routine.  I was secretly happy that I got to sleep til 10am whilst my poor honey had to get up at the ass crack of dawn to drive to the clinic and jerk it...doesn't make up for half the shit I've had to put my body through but I'll take it.

I skipped a two hr dance class I had already paid for and I also decided not to go for my 4 mile run.  I made B walk the dogs and tried to take it easy the rest of the day...you know, besides doing 17 loads of laundry and sweeping, mopping and dusting my entire house.  I also drank a couple cups of raspberry leaf tea...because you know that totally works right?! *sarcasm*  I was also a good girl and did not drink any wine and refrained from the siren's call from Mary Jane.  I'm so disciplined and virtuous...like a monk.

I am sure this is nothing and I'm just grasping at imaginary phantom signs or its just the fact that I had a speculum inserted into my vag canal and a catheter poking through my cervix (and a penis poking around in there later that night) or the fact that I have 8 juicy follicles that are being forced to release eggs....but I have been feeling little twinges in the ol' uterus/ovary area since yesterday through to this am.  Again, sure its nothing but if it continues I will start to get my hopes up.  Maybe, just maybe some of those 8 little eggs decide to fucking fertilize already!  Now we begin the TWW.

Ps.  I forced my husband to don a lollipop kid costume on Sat night so we could attend my friend's Wizard of OZ themed Halloween party.  He threw a tantrum about it and I was pretty sure we were going to get divorced but he sucked it up and we were a hit!

I look a little awkward and you cant really see my hair sticking up but that's the gist of it!

Friday, October 25, 2013

It's an exciting time to be an infertile!

Sorry for this boring post.  I have nothing remotely exciting to report.

I took my clomid wed-sun last week and had my FSH injection on tues afternoon.  I have been POAS every afternoon since this wed which was CD10.  I have an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon to see how many follicles are looking mature enough to count.  Sat will be CD13 and I would LOVE it if the follies looked big enough to get the trigger shot and come back for the IUI on Sunday...but that won't happen.  I will probably ovulate on Mon or Tues and will have to scramble and have a giant stress freak out to try to schedule the IUI on one of my two busiest work days.  Maybe my body will do me a solid and stall until wed.  I have a few hours on wed afternoon when I could easily stop in for a quick IUI and then be on my way.  Yes, at this point it is that casual.

In other IF related offenses my husband came home from work this week with the news I've been expecting.  His coworker announced that her wife is 12 weeks pregnant.  Back in Jan last year I talked to them at a party about how they were going to start TTC.  I've been waiting for their announcement since then and now its official, lesbians are getting pregnant with more ease and speed than we can.  I think its wonderful that they are able to have the family that they wish for but I can't even describe how frustrated I feel that I have tried 100 times harder and a million years longer and still have never gotten a BFP.  It leaves me feeling hopeless.

I am still so relieved my silly friends scheduled my BF's baby shower on the Sunday of thanksgiving weekend.  I feel a little bad because so many people are RSVPing "no" because of the holiday but so happy to have a legitimate excuse!  I will be in Minn. visiting my brother/sister in law and our two nephews.  I'm looking forward to it.  My sister in law is a dermatologist and makes a sickening amount of money for very little time spent at work (in my opinion).  They have a giant, gorgeous house overlooking a picturesque town on the St Croix river.  My brother in law gets to be a stay at home dad.  And I married an artist....anyway, there I go again being all bitter and judgmental.  I do really enjoy doing thanksgiving at their house.

I have been avoiding carving my pumpkin for Barren Betty's carving contest.  I said I was going to participate but I really dislike carving pumpkins so I might punk out.  I have been working on my lollipop kid costume though!  I had a party to go to but then it turned into a kids party that starts at 1pm so by the time I show up at 5 all the kids will be in full on tantrum mode and need to go home.  So that should be fun.  I'll post a pic of me in my costume next time.

Some shout outs to my IF peeps, first congrats to Jennifer Juniper on her BFP!  I am anxiously keeping my fingers crossed for Amanda at Beloved Burned Toast and holding my breath for Risa at Who Shot Down My Stork.  I am also excited to vicariously live through The Cork and Stork's upcoming transfer and hoping that maybe Sensitive Ginger's first IUI results in a BFP!  It's an exciting time to be an infertile,  am I right?  No?  It still sucks shit?  Yeah I guess you're right.

Til next time...


Disclaimer:  I read my post and saw a typo...somewhere there is a "there" that is supposed to be a "their".  I can't find it now...its driving me fucking crazy!  Please tell me where it is so I can fix it!!!

Nvmd....found it!

Thursday, October 17, 2013

This is me winning...officially a huge bitch.

The moment of sweet, sweet relief when you realize that the baby shower for your BF (that you should be co-hosting with other mutual BF but was not asked for obvious IF elephant in the room and instead some other chick is) was scheduled for the Sunday of Thanksgiving....and you will still be out of town and thus unavailable to attend with a killer excuse!  Winning! 



Saturday, October 12, 2013

To tat or not to tat?

I am 32 and have yet to have gotten a tattoo.  I know that's unthinkable in this day and age, everyone and their grandma have a tattoo or two.  It's not like I hate them or never wanted one.  I actually have always really wanted a tattoo but I never could decide on an image that meant enough to me.  The permanence of ink is a little intimidating to me.

I have piercings, including two facial piercings, but if I ever reach a point in my old age where I feel like I look ridiculous I will be able to just take them out and only have almost invisible white dots left.  Not a big deal.  (I really hope that day never comes...I'd love to be 80 and still rockin the lip ring!)

I thought about getting my dogs face tattooed on me after he died last year,  his image is one I would always like to carry with me and it would certainly have a lot of meaning behind it but can I really be that girl with the pit bull tattoo....sadly, I think not.  I have a different idea for a tattoo to honor my sweet pup but that's still in the works.

Right now I am thinking (really just contemplating) about the possibility of getting a (in)fertility related tattoo.  It definitely has meaning and regardless of whether I ever get PG or not it will always be something that I identify with.  I want to honor this time/aspect of my life and who I am in this moment and hopefully feel inspired when I look at it.  So here is my idea....something along the lines of this:








The development/life cycle of the blastocyst.  I think they look beautiful and they remind me of mandala style tattoos.  I also am attracted to anatomical type tattoos and this falls under that category.  I think they would look really amazing in shades of black/grey/white ink.  I have always thought that I would get a tattoo on my left inner forearm so that is where I am imagining them to be.  I think in a row starting with the first one closest to the inside of my elbow extending all the way down to the last one being at my wrist.  That means the whole length of my forearm would have ink!  That's a little ambitious for a first tattoo!  Of course B is totally against it...he thinks I will regret it.  He keeps saying that when I am old it will look terrible.  What 80 year old's tattoo doesn't look terrible I ask you?  So not only do I have to convince myself that this is what I want, I also have to convince B that this is a good idea.  I need input.  Is this a horrible idea or totally genius? WWAYIFD? (what would all you infertiles do?)



Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Sunshine Award!

Since I missed the Sept. ICLW (oops!) I now have time to finally take care of my TWO Sunshine Awards!  That's right, I got nominated twice thanks to Jennifer Juniper and Aislinn, so I think I will combine both nominations and answer all their questions at once!  Thank you ladies! 

The Sunshine Award is given to bloggers whose posts brighten your day. 
Here are the rules: 
1. Include the Sunshine Award icon in your post
2. Link to the person who nominated you. 
3. Answer 10 questions about yourself
4. Nominate 10 bloggers to receive the award
5. Link your nominees and let them know they've been nominated.





Questions from Aislinn:
1. If you could only listen to one band for the rest of your life, who would it be? 
Answer: Gah!  I am not even super obsessed with music and this is still a really hard question!  Probably Bob Dylan.  Or the Rolling Stones.  Or Elliot Smith.  Sorry, I just can't pick one.  

2. What is the scariest thing you've ever done? 
Answer:  Hmm, I guess I am not into doing scary things...I am not really an adrenaline junkie.  God, so far I suck at answering these questions, sorry!  Ok, maybe performing in my bra and underwear?  I was definitely super stressed out about it that's for sure! 
 
3. Do you have any piercings or tattoos? If so, show them off! 
Answer: No tattoos although I love them and want one.  I just don't know what I want!  I kind of really want a tat of my dog Amos who passed away last summer but then I would feel bad that I don't have a tat of my other dogs and plus I don't really think I am the Pit Bull tattoo type...  I do have seven piercing!  4 in my ears, 1 nose, 1 belly button and my favorite is my lip ring.  I have had my lip ring since right before I turned 20 and I don't see myself without it for a long time!  At some point I know it will be ridiculous for an old lady to have a lip ring but I plan on rocking it until then! 
4. What's the best concert you've ever been to? 
Answer:  Again, tough one!  I have been to some pretty amazing concerts!  I saw the Who with my dad at the Gorge Amphitheater  (which is a gorgeous place to see a concert!) the same week John Entwistle died.  I thought for sure they would cancel the show but they didn't.  I thought for sure it would be so sad and depressing...it wasn't!  It was absolutely amazing and it was super fun to see it with my dad! 

5. What is your dream concert (musicians can be dead or alive.)
Answer:  Definitely Queen so I can drool over Freddie Mercury.  I  had a big time crush on him even though he was already dead and I knew he was gay.  It didn't matter.  Also Nirvana.  That would be epic.  

6. If you could visit anywhere in the world for a month with money being no worry, where would you go?
Answer: Probably Hawaii.  I know it sounds cliche but we went there last summer and it was the best trip of our lives!  Or Amsterdam....I love Amsterdam. 

7. What is your favorite food?
Answer:  I am going to go with cheese on this one. 

8. What is your favorite way to de-stress? 
Answer:  Honestly?  I smoke a little Mary Jane and go to a movement class of some kind....like hot yoga or a dance class.  I also like to walk my dogs.  

9. What do you think your best physical asset is? What would your significant say is your best physical asset? 
Answer:  Like in a sexual way?  I like my lips...he likes my ass!   Really I think my best physical asset is my strong core and healthy spine! 

10. If you could live in any other time period, when would you live? 
Answer:  Well, I guess I have to say late 60's but I also think the roaring 20's would be interesting!  

Questions from Jennifer Juniper:
1. What was your favorite vacation and why?
Answer:  Sorry to be repetitive, Hawaii!  Maui more specifically.  The perfect combo of relaxing and drinking mixed with exercise (from snorkeling) and adventure (from exploring so many beaches).  Plus I loved being practically naked and still feeling warm...that almost never happens where I live! 

2. What's your 1 piece of must-have clothing?
Answer:  This is so freakin hard.  I love clothes.  I am going to have to go with sweatshirt because as I mentioned above and probably thanks to my low thyroid I am always cold.  Or a bra...sadly I really can't get away with not wearing one.  

3. When you were young, how old did you think you'd be when you got married? Had kids?
Answer:  I thought I was going to be a prima ballerina when I was young so I think I thought I would get married at 35 and have kids after that.  Ha!

4. What is your favorite store ever?
Answer:  Value Village.  You never know what treasures await!

5. How many different cities have you lived in?
Answer:  Uh, I feel lame but only 2.  The town where I was born and raised and the town I have lived in since I was 16.  Not very exciting. 

6. What has been the most surprising thing in your life recently?
Answer:  Well I would say Infertility!  We were not expecting that!  My maternal grandmother had 12 children and my paternal grandmother had 5.  My mom had 5 kids.  It's always been a running joke about how fertile the women in my family are.  Also surprising was my parents giving us 80% of the money we need for IVF....that was shocking to say the least.  

7. What is your favorite type of candy?
Answer: I love chocolate.  I do not like fruity candy at all.  Wont eat it.  I love Reece's peanut butter cups the best! 

8. What hobby do you wish you were good at? Or wish you could learn?
Answer:  I used to play flute and was pretty good at it as a teenager.  When I moved to pursue dance at 16 I dropped the flute.  I really wish I could still play at the level I was when I quit.  I really regret quitting and I hope to pick it back up sometime soon.  

9. Do you have an obsession with anything? If so, what?
Answer:  I would say the closest thing I have to an obsession is my love of Pit Bulls!  I just love em!  They have the best faces and my heart just melts every dang time I see one.  I got to go to an event this summer called Pit Bulls on Parade where there were hundreds of Pit Bulls all over the place...I almost wet myself I was so happy.  Seriously I think I shed a few tears.  

10. If you had to have one meal every day the rest of your life, what would it be?
Answer: Risotto.   


I am nominating bloggers whose blogs I love to read and/or bloggers who have given me the most support/laughs since I started my blog!  (I did not include Jennifer Juniper or Aislinn since they nominated me...but I love your blogs too ladies!) 



My questions for you ladies are:

1)  What is your fantasy job/career?

2)  If you could change into any animal for 24 hrs what animal would you be and why?

3)  If you could take your significant other's personality and put it in the body of a famous person who would it be?

4)  What is your favorite TV show?

5)  If you could chose the gender of your baby what would it be?  And don't say "it doesn't matter as long as it's healthy."  Pretend you are going to the baby store and you get to pick from the girl  
shelf or the boy shelf.

6)  Tell me a secret.  About anything.

7)  If you could become a character in your favorite book what book would you choose and what character would you become?

8)  You win 10 million dollars...what do you do with the money?

9)  What is the one thing you want for xmas this year?  You can't say a BFP or a baby, that goes  without saying.

10)  The mountains, the desert or the beach?  For the rest of your life?  

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Super fucking PISSED!

Gaaaaahhhhhhh!  Fuuuuuuuuuuck!  God damnit, god damnit, god fucking damn it!  I want to punch someone in the face so fucking bad!  IF once again proves to be nothing but bull shit. 

I spent the morning calling my nurse, calling my financial counselor at the fertility clinic and calling her supervisor.  I am beyond irritated.  Those bitches are making me skip a whole cycle!  I am trying to put it in perspective and move on but I am pissed!  Here's the story. 

We started our IUIs in May.  We have done 5 total.  Our insurance company first said it wouldn't pay for them, then said they would and then said they wouldn't.  Our balance kept changing and it was confusing.  We would go online to pay our bill and there wouldn't be a balance.  I would write a check and it would get returned because we actually didn't owe anything.  And then two weeks later we would actually owe something.  At least 3 times while leaving one of my dozens of appointments I have checked out with a finance counselor and talked to them about it. 

The conversation went like this 3 times:

Me: I have no idea what we owe...it keeps changing. 

Finance counselor:
Hmm, this is weird.  Don't pay anything today and I will call your insurance and
find out exactly what they are and are not going to cover and we will get back to you.

Me: Ok, but you are not going to send us to collections or anything, right???

FC: *Laughing* Oh no!  Don't worry about that! 

Me: Ok, let us know....

Three times we had this conversation.  With a couple of different counselors so it's not like one person was doing a bad job. 

Here's Problem #1:
I start my period after IUI #5 is a BFN.  I call the clinic to report CD1 with my nurse and book my FSH shot for CD9 and US on CD14 (I am busy on CD12/13 when they normally schedule it).  The receptionist politely tells me she needs to transfer me to finance so I can take care of my balance before she is allowed to book me anymore appointments!  I am blacklisted!  Those bitches put me on a blacklist after telling me not to worry about it!!!  Why didn't they tell us there was a limit that prevented us from booking appointments?  I would have been much more on top of figuring out the bill if I had known they were going to cut me off.  We knew we were going to owe something and were just waiting for someone to tell us an exact amount that wasn't going to change for the hundredth time.

Here's Problem #2:
We have been planning on paying our balance with our insurance credit card.  Our insurance Co. gives us roughly $5000 at the beginning of the year on a credit card.  We can use that money to pay for any medical bills that are not covered by them.  The problem is we haven't activated those cards.  We have just been paying our medical bills out of pocket because so far it's only been a couple hundred bucks at a time.  So just activate the cards you say?  Shouldn't be a big deal right?  My husband calls them on Sat. and finds out that because we waited too long to activate them we now have to have new cards issued to us and it takes 2 weeks for them to be processed and delivered.

Cue me throwing tantrum and getting super pissy at B because I am annoyed that I have to be responsible for fucking EVERYTHING!  Why cant he have just dealt with this weeks ago!  I have been making passive aggressive remarks about how we need to activate the cards because at some point they will want us to pay them.  He would just agree with me but never did it.  It's not like he said he was going to do it and that was our agreement but for fucks sake, why couldn't he have just done it back in Aug. when I mentioned it like 25 times?  It's so annoying.  And of course he is all defensive and keeps saying "don't act like this is my fault!  You could have called them too!"  Oh, yeah, I should have called them to activate the cards in between getting my vagina poked at with a catheter, peeing on sticks every fucking morning, getting my blood drawn and having my Clomid hot flashes.  Yeah, that seems fair.  

 So now the deal is we owe $900 and I cant make that payment until the insurance card arrives in the mail and I call them and activate it and until we pay our bill we are not allowed to make any more appointments.  This means I will not be starting my second round of Clomid today like planned.  We have to skip this month which makes me really, really unhappy.  I wanted to power through this and be done with it.  I am so sick of all the fucking appointments and pill popping.  I wanted to get 7 IUIs done with and fucking move on.  I am so pissed and annoyed about having to take this cycle off it makes me just not want to do anymore drugs or IUIs and just call it done.  I hate that B's attitude is "well we'll just skip this cycle and do it again next month!"  Like it's not a big deal.  I don't know what else to write....I am just pissed.