Sunday, December 29, 2013

Christmas merriment and the big Baby Reveal!

Get ready, this is going to be a long one.  It's been two weeks since I last posted and although I have read most of your posts I was usually on the go, reading from my phone and didn't leave any comments.  I have time today to go through and comment on all of your posts so don't think I was ignoring any of you!   The last two weeks were a whirlwind of activities and preparations as I'm sure it was for all of you.  I for one am so happy to be back in my own home, decompressing from all the family craziness and junk food and over stimulation!

Lets start with important baby updates.  I am 11 weeks today!!!!  Two more weeks and I can officially say I'm out of the first trimester!  The last time I posted I had just come back from the Dr. after a spotting scare.  You can read about it here.  Baby was fine, heart beat was 171 and we could see him/her moving it's big ass head.  I continued to spot a brownish CM from Mon-Thurs.  Friday I was back in the clear.  I had another (our 4th) US on Friday with my Dr. and the baby was still looking fabulous.  Heart beat was 186 and everything looked perfect.  I was beyond relieved.

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My Dr. told me the hematoma (small pool of blood by my cervix) was smaller than when I had my US the previous Sunday so it was very likely the brownish CM was the hematoma draining out slowly.  She told me that I might even pass the hematoma as a clot (holy shit, why didn't they tell me that sooner???) so if that happens I SHOULD NOT freak out.  If that had happened between Sun and Fri I would have been crashing through the doors of the nearest emergency room at 500 miles per hour in a blind panic!  That's the LAST thing a spotting pregnant lady wants to see is clots for Christ's sake!  Dr. also told me the fibroid looks to be about an inch which at the time was about the same size as the baby so it looks huge but in reality when the uterus and baby are gigantic, as long as the fibroid doesn't grow (which can happen) then it should be insignificant and not cause a problem. 

B and I had a meet and greet appointment with a midwife and we have decided to go with her for the birth.  She is very laid back and doesn't come off as very militant about home birth.  Some midwives are super militant about avoiding modern interference or are super religious.  I want to avoid both.  Our midwife just wants us to have the best birthing experience possible whether it's at home, at a birth center or if we end up having to be transferred to a hospital.  I already knew someone who had used her and loved her but then my husband just found out that his best friend at work used the other midwife in the same practice (they are partners and back each other up at labors) and loved her!  If that wasn't enough he also found out that another couple from work had her as their midwife and a current couple who is due in may are using her too!  It makes sense because she accepts my husbands insurance and they are located fairly close to where his store is.  But it's nice to know so many people who are telling us how great the two midwives are!  We decided that we want to deliver in a birthing center because our dogs are just too obnoxious and over excited when people come in and out of our house.  Also I want the option to use the birthing tub and the birthing center has awesome tubs!  I have my first official appointment with the midwife on Fri Jan 3rd.

So then there's Christmas.  Remember my family didn't know anything about our pregnancy except for one of my sisters because of her wedding being the same week as my due date!  She has since changed the date of her wedding and hasn't even signed the paperwork to book the venue because she is having issues with her finance....but that's another story altogether!  My plan to reveal to my family that I am pregnant went perfectly!  I had calenders made for my mom dad and each sister.  The calender was filled with cheesy pictures of me, B and our dogs.  Photos of us in Hawaii, canoeing with the dogs in the boat, etc.  I knew my family would be laughing at us and rolling their eyes at how conceded we were for making a calender with our pictures all over it.  Until they got to the July.  July's picture was a giant picture of our latest US, the one I posted above actually.  The caption underneath said: Shhhh, it's a secret!  Introducing Baby Hanawalt!  And on July 20th it said DUE DATE!!!

I wanted to have them open the calenders as soon as we got out of the car, I was soooo anxious and excited to have everybody know but I also wanted to not be suspicious about it.  So I ended up having to wait forever to do it.  We got to my parents house around 6:30pm and everyone was trying to make dinner so it didn't make sense to make people open a present then.  We finally got dinner on the table (not easy with 12 people) and were finishing up around 9:30pm when some neighbors of my parents dropped in!  GRRR!  Apparently my mom thought it would be nice to invite neighbors over for dessert!  Obviously I didn't want them to be part of the big reveal so I had to wait longer.  They finally left around 11:30 and luckily my dad had a white elephant type game planned for us to play.  He often creates elaborate games for the family to play when everyone is together.  They are usually bizzare (one game was all about our significant others judging which sister had the worst childhood! WTF?) and endlessly hilarious because of his mannerisms that are so quintessentially our dad.  I was in tears laughing while he was explaining the instructions how to play.  Without going into detail the name of this years game was Pass, Pass off or Piss off!  Lol!

Anyway since the game involved opening presents I had a good excuse to get the calenders for everyone to open.  I told them they were all opening the same thing so open them at the same time.  Everyone immediately started laughing at us as they looked through the first several pictures.  One sister who I was siting next to was really flipping through it quickly and I thought for sure she was going to get to July when everyone else was still on March but she slowed down a few times to make fun of some of the pictures.  She was still the first one to get to July but she had a good reaction.  It took her a second to process what she was looking at and then she gasped and was like "is this real??"  At that point everyone was on July and then everyone started freaking out.  It was perfect.  I have two videos of the reaction, my sister has one on her phone that I don't have yet.  Both have shitty lighting but I will post the one I have.  I am sitting right in front of the big orb of light so it's hard to see my facial expressions.  Keep your eyes on the sister next to me in the center of the video, she's the one who figures it out first.  Also shortly after everyone realizes what is going on you can hear my mom tell me she "knew" I was pregnant because she had a premonition last week about us telling everyone at Christmas.  I predicted that would be the first thing she would say in my post a while back, I can prove it here.  Then all of us erupt into laughter because she always claims to "know" things after they happen or are announced.  It's classic.

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It is such a relief to have everyone in our family know.  B got a little loose lipped this last week at his work so a lot of his friends at work know already.  I have still only told a handful of people.  I am trying to make a lunch date with a close friend of mine to tell her tomorrow.  I am annoyed with her though because she hasn't really called me, texted me or hung out with me since I went to her Halloween party.  I have been best friends with her since the summer before our freshman year in college.  A loooong ass time.  I danced in her project all of last year and saw her every week because of rehearsal.  We are both super busy so we tend to see each other more when we are rehearsing together regularly.  Since the dance project ended in Aug. I have only seen her a few times.  Other friends who supposedly are not as close to me have made more of an effort to ask me how I am doing and send a nice "I'm thinking of you" text or FB message.  I don't know if she just doesn't know what to say to me about IF and our situation depresses her or if she is just wrapped up in her own life and just doesn't realize that we haven't talked or hung out in the last three months.  Either way I have been feeling super bitter about it.  I even contemplated not telling her unless she called me or until she finds out on FB....when and if I decide to post something on FB.  B thought that would really hurt her feelings and that it was too passive aggressive and mean hearted.  He's right.  So I am the one making an effort to set up a lunch date with her.  I just feel annoyed that people who I feel haven't equally shared in our struggle and been there for me when I was really down get to share in the joy and elation.  But that's probably because I am a bitter, petty person.  Right?  And it's not like this friend hasn't been there for me.  That's probably not fair.  I had some very emotional times during the time I was dancing in her project last summer and there were several times she held my hand or hugged me while I sobbed.  So I am trying to just get over it and be nice.

I also have to tell my other very close college friend (the three of us have been a triad for the last 12 years), the one who is pregnant and I have pushed away for the last 9 months.  I am sure that will be a whole other story.  I don't feel as bitter towards her because I know I am 80 percent responsible for the distance between us in the last year.  I still have to give her her baby shower gift (little baby Tom's shoes...so stinkin cute!) so I will have an excuse to get together with her.  She might have her baby first though, she is due in a couple of weeks.

Christmas didn't go by without any drama of course.  There was a fair share of sister bickering, ie. calling each other bitches and worse.  I didn't participate in the name calling but with five sisters in the house there is always a cat fight happening.  There was also a tearful intervention with some of my sisters yelling at my parents about their health and weight issues....so that was fun.  And then on Christmas night I started spotting again.  I managed to not freak out about it.  If you want TMI here it is.  I needed to take a shit.  So I went to the bathroom and my efforts weren't as productive as I felt they should have been.  I felt like more had to come out but it just wasn't happening.  So I gave it my best effort and needless to say there was some straining and extra pushing involved.  When I finally gave up and wiped there was blood.  And not from the poop hole.  There wasn't a ton and it wasn't bright red so I forced myself to believe that I strained to hard and made more of the hematoma leak out.  Spotting on Christmas right after announcing your pregnancy to your family is no bueno.  I stayed calm though and although I did continue to have brown CM again for a few days it's gotten lighter and lighter and I never had any cramps of any kind.  So there it is.  If you are preggo and have previously spotted be aware that should you be a little to enthusiastic about your bowel movement you may experience more spotting.  The more you know....










Sunday, December 15, 2013

And the Academy Award goes to....

The 9 weeks pregnant lady who's experiencing spotting while she hosts her holiday turtleneck party and pretends A) she's not pregnant, just fat and B) blood?  What blood?  In other words, me.  Last night.  Holy shit, I can't even describe what an emotional mind fuck I've just been through.  Let's back up.

Thursday I told one of the families I nanny for that I am pregnant.  I wasn't going to tell them until after I told my family at Christmas but the mom got a full time job offer and was negotiating with them and deciding if she was going to accept it.  I was feeling really guilty about not telling them I was pregnant just in the small chance it might effect her decision.  I was pretty sure it wouldn't effect it but I just didn't want them to feel frustrated in Jan after she had already made a choice.  Anyway they were super happy and excited about it.  The dad immediately told me very sincerely that I was going to be the best mom which was very sweet.  I told them it was early and we kind of talked about how long we had been TTC and how we actually finally achieved this pregnancy.  I had been keeping all of that info a secret from them because I was already TTC when I took the job with them and then felt awkward telling them I was trying to get knocked up.  So I felt relieved and it is so nice to actually talk about my pregnancy and have other people acknowledge it.  It makes it more real.

Friday was normal.  I did some grocery shopping after work to prep for our holiday turtleneck party that we hosted on Sat. night.  My sister had cleaned my house (yes, I pay my college age sis to clean my house, it's worth every penny) so I really only had little detail stuff to care of.  B and I did have sex Fri night.  

Sat morning was normal.  I woke up earlyish and taught a pilates class for an hour.  I didn't really demonstrate anything, I mostly just walked around and talked them through all the exercises.  I then drove about 30 min to pick up my dogs meds at the vet and then stopped at the grocery store (again) to grab a few missing party ingredients.  I then went home and was seriously debating taking my dogs across town to a petco that was doing Santa pics.  I really wanted to go.  My husband basically talked me out of it because he didn't want to go.  I decided I was too lazy and didn't want to deal with xmas shopping traffic around town and was lounging around on my bed when all of sudden I felt a little spurt "down there".  I immediately thought, huh, I should go check that out!  So I went to the bathroom and it was blood.  Not brown discharge but full on blood, like my period.  No clots or tissue but definitely bright red and dark red blood.  I tried to tell myself that spotting can be totally normal but I quickly unraveled and fell to pieces.  This happened at 2 pm, party start time was 7pm. Worst possible timing ever!  The spotting quickly subsided after about 10 wipes but I was scared shitless.  I called the clinic to try to get a US asap and because it is the weekend I had to deal with the answering service which is so annoying.  Finally I talked to a nurse who said they couldn't get me in until this morning at 10am.  She told me that they would be worried if I was soaking through a pad in an hour for a couple of hours and that made me feel half way better because it was no where near close to that by any stretch of my overreacting imagination.  She said it was possible that having sex had irritated my cervix.  

We decided it would be more trouble to cancel the party that late in the game and have to make up a half assed excuse as to why we were canceling so we decided to just power through it.  I told the nurse we were hosting a party and asked her if we should cancel it and asked if I just needed to be in bed.  She said that at this point they didn't recommend bed rest and as long as I took it pretty easy it would be fine to have a party.  Then at 4 pm the spotting game back.  It was kind of the same as the first time.  I had another cry and then sucked it up and put on my eye makeup so I couldn't cry anymore.  My sister and best friend (who both know we are pregnant and who I both immediately texted when I started spotting) came over early to help finish food prep.  Everyone else came over and it was somewhat of a distraction.



There is one lady who is the wife of my husband's coworker but they are also in our circle of party friends (ie. we really only hang out at parties not really ever one on one).  We have been open with them about our infertility and because she is a nurse she is really into following all of our treatment and ALWAYS asks me about it and wants to talk about it.  I was pretty sure she was giving me questioning looks at the beginning of the evening because I am seriously 15 lbs heavier than the last time I saw them and my belly is sticking out like it never has before.  My turtleneck dress did not help to tone down the pregnant look and I felt very self conscious around her specifically.  Later in the evening I had a conversation with a different friend about her baby weight loss and working out.  The nurse friend was listening to our conversation and I really talked up how I hadn't been dancing/performing and had gained weight and am now the heaviest I've ever been.  I am pretty sure it worked.  At a later point in the evening the nurse friend and I were talking again and she brought up that she's gained 15 lbs since selling their house and basically being homeless until their new house closes.  So I think I threw her off the scent.

I made it through the night and had one more good cry in bed before falling asleep.  I of course woke up in the way too early morning with insomnia.  Finally it was time to get up and take a shower.  No blood but feeling twingey feeling.  Not really cramps and if there had been no bleeding I wouldn't have thought twice about it but I am of course over analyzing every gurgle that happens.  I cried after I got dressed.  I cried in the car.  I cried in the waiting room at the clinic.  I cried when I took my pants off.  My husband was with me the whole time and held it together which is what I needed.  He sat right next the exam bed and held my hand unprompted.  Major props.  He was scared too though.  The US tech (or whatever they are, nurses? Dr.s?) came in and we briefly talked about how the spotting occurred.  She then inserted the wand and almost immediately said the baby looked great and she saw a good heart beat.  I lost my shit.  I started sobbing so hard I was making the image on the screen shake all over the place.  My husband was squeezing my hand and telling me it was okay.  The heart beat is 171 and I am measuring 8 weeks, 5 days.  So now baby is only 2 days behind (still totally in the normal window), last US he/she was 3 days behind.



The US tech (whatever) lady said I have a fibroid on my right side that could be the cause of the bleeding.  It doesn't affect the uterus or the pregnancy.  I have a small pool of blood by my cervix and the cause of bleeding could be an irritated cervix.  She showed us the baby's little arm buds that are sprouting and we watched the baby wiggle it's giant head back and forth.  It was so fucking cute!  I sobbed my way through the rest of the US and then we went to the small waiting room in the back while the official Dr. on call looked over our US results.  The Tech came back and said the Dr. thought everything looks great.  We talked about moving my Wed appointment to Friday instead.  She said the on call Dr. (not my regular) said it wasn't necessary to have another US but I definitely want one in a week with my Dr. to make sure baby is still progressing and everything is okay!  I am going to be a nut job when I move on to the midwife and don't get to have and US every week or two.

So now I have peace of mind that baby is doing well and I just hope that there is no more bleeding.  Scary, scary shit.  I am exhausted and need to sleep now.   

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

catching up...

Hey there.  Thought I would post although not much has been happening since our US last wed.  I have to wait another week and one day before our next US...I can't wait!

I still dont have many symptoms...I keep waiting to have a wave of nausea hit me like a brick wall but so far there's been nothing.  I feel fat but not bloated and honestly I was already about 10 lbs fatter than my "normal" weight when I got pregnant so no wonder.  I kinda already look like I'm showing a bump but I know its really just fat :(

I still have no increased sense of smell, no cravings or food aversions.  No nausea.  I am peeing once in the middle of the night but during the day I dont really feel like I'm using the bathroom that much more than normal.  There have been a few times that I waited too long to eat and I started to feel a little sick (and a whole lot bitchy) but then as soon as I eat in feel fine.  I haven't really had as many crampy type sensations either.  It makes it seem like this is not real.  I keep looking at my last US pic and remember how that little heart was beating so beautifully to try to reassure myself.

It just astounds me that I might be getting off sooo easy in the first trimester!  My mother was so sick throughout the entire pregnancies of all five of us girls.  Before I had my surgery my periods were so terrible I would routinely throw up and be miserable so I've always assumed I would have horrible morning sickness.  This makes me think that the baby is not growing and developing normally or worse...I'm having a boy!  Totally just kidding!  I do REALLY want a girl but my husband was such a cute little boy (so was my dad) so I think I can cope if it turns out to have a little penis.  I am kind of looking forward to announcing I have penis growing inside me if it is indeed a boy, he he.  Tacky, yes.  But too fucking funny to pass up!

Seriously though I have read that there is a connection with girls having higher HCG (I think that's the hormone) levels and those higher levels make you experience nausea more strongly.  I asked my Dr and she confirmed that there is some truth to it but you never know till the anatomy scan.  I guess I will have to wait until Feb.

I need to start working on my reveal project for when/how I tell my family.  Remember they are all still in the dark about my pregnancy.  Only one of my sisters knows.  I'm telling them on Christmas eve or Christmas depending on how things go.  Here's how I'm going to do it.  I'm going to give them all a calander (each person gets one) filled with pics of me, my husband and my dogs.  They are going to roll their eyes and laugh at how conseeded we are and probably just give us a lot of shit.  But then whoever is the first one to turn to July will be the first one to realize we are pregnant because July's pic will be the newest US picture and I will write in "DUE DATE!" on July 20.  It will be so fun to see who figures it out first and to see everyone's reactions.  I wish I could fast forward to Christmas right now!!  I haven't been this excited for Christmas since I found out about Santa!

In other random news, we are hosting a turtleneck party at my house on Sat so I need to clean my house and make food, etc.  I bought a hilarious magenta, vintage 80's turtleneck dress to wear.  Its awesome.  I'm just hoping I dont look too fat (or pregnant) since none of our friends know yet.  I would probably tell everyone at the party our big news but I dont feel like it's fair to tell friends before my parents know.

Ok, I guess that covers things for now.  Hope everyone is taking care of themselves and hanging in there!

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Holy Shit (wait have I already made this the title of a previous post?)

I just sent an email to a midwife.  About possibly delivering MY baby.  WTF universe is this?  That was a surreal moment.  Again I have more to say about the midwife thing but I don't want to write a long ass post right now.  My husband is patiently (more or less) waiting to watch netflix in bed so I gotta get to bed.  It's fucking freezing here btw.  :(  Hate it.  So cold.  And it's dark here by literally 4:15.  Ok, good night. 

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Short and Sweet

7 Week, 3 Day ultrasound happened this afternoon.  Baby's heartbeat was strong and very measurable this time!  Thank fucking god!  It was 145 bmp.  The fetal pole also grew by 2/3 from one week ago!  It jumped from a 3 something to a 9 something!  All good news.  I am measuring 3 days behind technically but my RE says that anything within a week is totally normal so everything is exactly where we want it.  Again, thank fucking god.  I have one more appointment in two weeks at the clinic and then we graduate!  Yikes!  This means that we actually need to find someone to deliver this baby (fingers crossed).  I have been casually searching midwives and there is one in particular I need to contact so more on that later!  Official due date is July 20th! 

Sorry for the terrible glare...I had to take a pic of the US with my phone.



Looking a little like a baby?