Saturday, May 31, 2014

1 year

A year ago last May I started this blog.  I had been quietly skulking around several people's infertility blogs and felt like I really wanted to comment and chime in.  I was so relieved to hear that other women were feeling exactly what I was feeling and that I truly wasn't the only person in the world feeling like shit.  I was nervous about actually starting my blog since I am not a writer (not even a little bit!) and since college days haven't so much as kept a diary or journal.  (I can't even begin to describe how embarrassing those college diaries are!  It's mortifying to go through and read them...I need to burn them so when I die I am not haunted from the grave that somebody will pick them up and look through them.) 

There was a blogger who I messaged because we had sooooo many similarities it was almost like we were the same person.  I am sure I came off like a total psycho stalker in my desperation to connect with someone who I thought would empathize with my situation.  However that person was so kind and welcoming.  She messaged me back almost immediately and continued the conversation over several days.  It was like she instantly became my infertility sponsor.  She encouraged me to start this blog and honestly if it wasn't for her support I probably wouldn't have.  That person is Teresa from Where the *bleep* is our stork?  So thank you Teresa for your encouragement and your friendship this last year.  Even though it's only been a year you have been there for me through many ups and downs.  You introduced me to a whole community of women who have literally saved my sanity in the last 12 plus months. 

To all of you who continue to read and comment on my posts I thank you too and truly appreciate your friendship!  I always look forward to reading your updates and I admire each of your strength and ability to adapt, cope, accept, grieve, doggedly pursue and persevere in your journey to find what it is you are looking for.  I hope we all get our happy ever after...or at least our peace ever after. 

Friday, May 23, 2014

Update on 30 Week anatomy scan...

Sorry, I got totally distracted by my baby shower.  If you don't remember, this is how our anatomy scan went down two weeks ago and how I was feeling about it.

So last Tuesday I took the 3 hr gestational diabetes test.  I was not happy about having to take it.  I had talked on the phone with my mother's midwife who delivered at least 3 if not all 4 of my younger sisters.  She is literally best friends with Ina May Gaskin (you should know who that is) and teaches globally with her and other midwives.  She is the real deal.  Not the hospital kind of midwife (not that hospital midwives are bad, they are just a totally different breed of midwife.)  My mother's midwife offered to deliver my baby...FOR FREE but the catch is I would have to drive to her when my labor starts and I just don't think that's a good idea.  I want to have my baby at my house.  I don't want to labor in the car and have to wait in line for the ferry for god knows how long and then labor on the ferry and then have an hour long drive.  We have no idea how long my labor will last and it just sounds way too stressful and dicey.  She would be willing to come to me except she has a bunch of babies all due around my due date so she can't be that far away from all of her clients. 

Anyway, we talked for over an hour and although talking to her was empowering and validated all my feelings and concerns about taking the GD test, listening to the anatomy scan Dr.'s predictions about my baby's size and my doubts about my midwife, it was also depressing to hear her opinion on the midwives in the Seattle area.  My rough plan was if my midwife was going to push for further scans and tests then I was going to find a new midwife who was more hands off and natural.  This plan didn't seem to be an option after talking to my mother's midwife whose opinion is that ALL the midwives in Seattle are too scared about liability and staying in the hospital's good graces so they have a very clinical approach to their midwifery.  She said they might as well all be practicing in the hospitals and just call themselves nurse midwives.  Whether or not that is really true, I was feeling super bummed.  She would only recommend two midwives in Seattle who she would trust but they are both unavailable when my baby is due.  So it seemed like there would be no one I could really switch to if I decided to go that route.  

So I took the damn GD test and waited for my appointment with my midwife to see what she had to say about our anatomy scan and how she wanted to proceed.  I felt so anxious and stressed all week.  Finally on the Thursday before my shower I saw her for our appointment.  Right away she started off saying that she thought our scan looked really good and was very positive about Hazy not dropping in numbers!!  I almost cried, I was so relieved.  She said that it's really good that she is growing at a stable rate and it's ok that she hasn't moved up in percentiles...she just didn't want to see her dropping down.  She said she doesn't need us to do any more scans as long as my belly keeps measuring on track (I was still measuring 2 weeks ahead we found out later in the appointment)!  It was like a giant cloud was lifted.  She could tell I was visibly relieved and we talked a little bit about how I had been stressing out and worried about having to do more tests and scans.  I told her that I didn't want to do ANY more testing or scans and that was why I had chosen to go with a midwife in the first place.  I also found out that I barely passed the GD test so that was a huge relief too.  I guess my fasting numbers were high so I shouldn't go 14 hours without eating shit.

So as of right now I have no more future tests or scans scheduled.  I am sticking with this midwife hopefully until the end.  I have to order the birthing tub and the home birth medical supplies kit and that's about it.  I have to get to June 29th in order to have a home birth.  They will deliver 3 weeks early but if she comes any earlier we obviously have to be in the hospital.  They will let me go a full 14 days past my due date.  At 41 and 1/2 weeks they want me to go in for a scan to check and make sure baby is that point if it means not getting induced and not going to the hospital then fine I'll do the damn scan.  After 14 days they will give me a couple more days if I repeat the scan a second time.  Again, if we get to that point fine.  My plan is before 41 and 1/2 weeks (if I make it that far) I will drink a castor oil and pineapple juice cocktail and go for a long walk, followed by a sexathon....maybe all those things but in reverse order as I think the castor oil makes you poop out everything you got.  That would not make for a very sexy atmosphere.   

Monday, May 19, 2014

Baby Shower of my dreams

The baby shower happened and it far surpassed my expectations!  My sister, mom and best friend planned and hosted and they just made it beyond perfect.  To say it was the classiest baby shower I've ever been to (and I've been to a lot) is an understatement.  The details that they put into the games, decorating, food were all just so thoughtful and beautiful.

My friend hosted the shower at her dad's condo.  We used the condo building's event space which is a private room with a patio balcony nestled in between sky scrappers.  It overlooks the water in down town Seattle.  A little posh and very classy.  The room has big windows, long L shaped couches and a full kitchenette with a counter bar.

My sister is a super pinterest, crafty, baker type and is amazing at throwing very well thought out parties.  (I am too, it must run in the family...except all I do well is food and booze, not so much the crafty/baker type)  My mom helped her make the party favors (I don't think I've ever been to a shower that had party favors!) and all three of them prepared all the food.

The day of the shower one of my other sisters had crashed on my couch and we were waiting to pick up another sister to all go down town together.  We had some time to kill so we went and got pedicures!  I took my sister to a place in my neighborhood that I had never been before.  I got int the chair and put my feet in the water.  The chair had a remote control to manage the massage settings so I of course hit power and started to enjoy my massage.  The chair was really strong and felt great.  Then it squeezed my butt and I thought to myself, oh that's nice!"  The next thing I know, one of the massage balls girated between my legs and was pushing into my vagina!!!  For real.  At first I was shocked and then I just started cracking up.  I (discretely) warned my sister who at this point was sitting down in the chair next to me and when her chair did the same thing to her she started cracking up too.  The chair did not stop.  It alternated between butt squeezing and fisting us in the puss for the entire time we got our toes done.  I feel really tempted to write a yelp review about the orgasmic pedicure chairs, ha ha!

Onto the shower!  We picked up my other sister and headed down town.  We got there right on time which was a miracle because traffic sucked ass.  It was just amazing.  Pretty much all the important women in my life were there and everyone was (is) just so excited and thrilled for us.  I believe everyone there knew how long it had taken us to conceive and what we had to do to make it happen and I think that made the atmosphere just that much more ecstatic and joyful.

Here are some shots of the party:

 My favorite donuts!  If you remember I had them the morning 
I took my pregnancy test and got my one and only BFP!

Mimosas!!!  I had three (just a splash of champagne in each one).


Grapes and veggies

The spread

The hazelnut cheesecake that my sister MADE!  It tasted 
even better than it looks if that were even possible!

My sister made this banner with my baby's name on it.....
(I guess this is when I reveal her full name) I cannot wait to hang it up in her room! 

See, there were people there but I'm trying to not post people's faces without them knowing...

My favorite game we played was matching all the guests to their
baby pics...I won!  I guessed 20 out of 25 correctly! 

The party favors for the guests.  Little white coffee mug and saucer with hazelnut 
tea, a Roche chocolate and two mini hazelnut biscotti that my sister made. 

Me opening up took about an hour and a half.  So many presents!

Me and my sister who through the shower.  I don't care if her face is on the internet, lol!

Out side on the balcony with all of the Aunties and both Grandmothers!  The girl on 
the far left is my SIL who flew from Minn. to be there and the woman in the yellow 
is my MIL who drove from Oregon.  The rest are my mom and sisters.

Me, wish I wasn't holding my cell phone...

Here are some pics of all the amazing gifts I received:

8 receiving blankets, 4 swaddling blankets and two super awesome crib sheets!

Nursing pads,  pumping accessories, g diapers, changing pad cover, full crib protector sheet and changing pad protectors.

Lotions, potions, shampoos, thermometer and pacifiers.

Food stuff

Swim gear!  I will never have to buy this kid a swim suite!

Tutu, fru fru stuff and cowgirl boots and a baby's first year calender. 

Cute clothes

My mom had the pack of onesies tie dyed from someone on etsy, she knit the leg warmers 
to match and my friend who helped throw the shower got her this super cute hat! 

 An old childhood friend made this amazing quilt by hand...I just cant even believe that
people know how to do this and someone did this just for MY baby!  I'm in awe. 

Shoes!!!  The bottom ones are made of felt and came all the way from Nepal!

I don't have pictures but you will see when I do the baby room reveal (happening soon I promise!) that we also got a perfect glider and ottoman, two baby gates and a diaper genie with another shampoo and g diaper.  My mother also sent us a Peter Rabbit baby book and a few of the tiny Peter Rabbit books along with a stuffed Jemima Puddle Duck that is freaking adorable!  I also received a couple of gift cards so on Sunday I went to target and picked up the sound spa, a grooming kit, baby hangers, a coat hook thing to hang in Hazy's room, baby wipes, a regular thermometer and probably other stuff that I am forgetting. 

All of this on top of all the maternity clothes, baby clothes and other huge baby items that people just gave us for free.  We have been royally spoiled rotten!  

There are a few items that we need to purchase....we plan on getting a used Bob running stroller off of craigslist and I want the car seat attachment to go with it.  We also are going to buy an Ergo baby carrier off of one of my friends.  I need to buy a few more med/lg sized g diapers and that pretty much does it!  

I have nine more weeks until my due date....NINE!  Is this shit for real?

Monday, May 12, 2014

30 week Anatomy Scan...

Quick update.  We had our follow up scan on Fri afternoon.  In a nutshell Hazy is perfect... just small.  She is still under the 10th percentile, 6th to be exact but everything is perfect.

Her brain is perfect, her heart is perfect, her organs are perfect.  The umbilical blood flow is perfect, the placenta is perfect.

She was moving around the whole US (its amazing I can't feel most of her movements but is also reassuring...) and the Dr. kept remarking how healthy and happy she is.

Because she falls under the 10th percentile she is labeled as having IUGR, intra uterine growth restriction.  I personally think that's bullshit because she IS growing and there IS NO growth restriction!!!  The umbilical cord and placenta are normal and she has grown appropriately since the last scan she is just in the same percentile, she's just going to be petite.

I am small (under normal circumstances... right now I am obeese), B is small (he would protest and say average but he is only 5'8"), both my grandmothers who I take after were midgets!!!  Not literally but you get my point.  I come from small people and now I'm making a small person.

The true stress right now is the Dr. who did the scan suggested we come back in 6 weeks to check on her again.  He very briefly mentioned that there was the small chance we would discuss whether or not the baby is better off outside the womb and induce but he felt confident that wouldn't be the case.

What a crock of shit.

I'm not doing that.  I am done with any further testing or scans.  I feel happy and comfortable with the information we have and I'm done trying to find something wrong.  I don't know what my midwife is going to say about my decision and that may be a make or break deal with her...I don't know.  If she is fine with my decision to do no more testing then great we don't have a problem.  If she disagrees with me then I am going to find a new midwife.  Find a new midwife potentially 7 weeks from full term...I am not freaking out.


Actually, I'm not but B is.  First we need to not jump to conclusions about our midwife's stance.  Second if the worst case scenario happens I feel like it will be OK.  There are a lot of midwives in this area and I know I can find one that matches what I'm wanting in a birth/labor provider.  Now, find one that takes our insurance?  That's another stress but if we have to pay out of pocket for the experience and care that I want then so be it.

Tomorrow is the fucking 3 hr glucose test.  I hate that I'm even doing it.  It makes me so pissed off.  I'm sucking it up in hopes of passing so I can for sure check that complication off the list to appease my midwife and cross my fingers that if I pass she will be ok to not do any more interfering medical testing.  This is why I chose a midwife in the first place!  If I wanted all the tests and machines I would have gone with an OB and hospital birth.  That's not what I wanted.

Sigh,  Things could be worse right?

Friday, May 9, 2014

It's 4am...time for a shit and a warm cup of milk

Yep.  That's my life now.

Sometime around 3-4am I wake while flipping over to my other side and try to get comfortable.

Except I can't.  I have to pee.

So after trying to will it away for 5 min I give in and haul my fat ass out of bed and stumble to the bathroom.  I don't turn on any lights, I don't flush the toilet.  I try to stay half asleep and get back in bed before I know I'm awake and walking around.

Back in bed I get comfortable but I just can't fall back asleep.  My brain is on.  I think about stupid things that require no analytical dissection and yet I do it anyway.  For 30 min, an hour, sometimes longer.

Then I feel it.  I'm hungry.  Now there's no way I will be able to sleep, I have to eat something!

So after trying to ignore the grumbling stomach for 10 min, I relent and haul my fat ass out of bed yet again and stumble in the dark to the kitchen.

I pour milk into a coffee mug and put it in the microwave for 1 min.

While waiting for the microwave to beep I realize I have another urge...nature calls.  I have to poop and at this point I welcome any and all bowl movements joyously.

After successfully taking care of business I collect my warm mug of milk.  I take the mug back to bed, still in the dark, and climb back into my pillow fortress to pretend I'm sleeping while I drink the milk.

As soon as I've drained the last drop I make myself comfortable and try again to fall the fuck to sleep.

Aaand I can't.  Still wide awake.

Then B's alarm goes off because he is going into work early so I can pick him up in the afternoon in time for us to go to our US and see how Hazy has grown.

I am awake the whole 45 min it takes him to get ready and let the dogs out into the yard and then tuck them back into bed.  Then he leaves.
I'm still awake.  Sometime around 6am I fall asleep until my alarm goes off at 6:40.  I manage to easily fall back asleep several times between hitting snooze until I can't stall any longer and I haul my fat ass out of bad to greet the glorious day at 7:15am.

Surprisingly nature calls again and I successfully accomplish poop#2 of the morning.  I pat myself on the back for a job well done.

After dressing myself, feeding the pups and letting them out one last time I leave for work.
What were you guys doing at 4am?  Oh, sleeping?  Fuck you.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Well, fuck.

This is going to be a quick post.  Last Thursday at my midwife appt. I did the 1 hr gestational diabetes test.  I didn't really want to do it in the first place but my midwife talked me into it with a list of reasons why it was important to know because of health risks to the baby.  So I did it.  And then on Monday I found out I failed it.  Passing cutoff is 139 and I scored a 155.  So my midwife wants me to do the follow up 3 hr test. 

I don't want to.  There are many, many reasons why I don't want to.  I wont go into all of them but I do think the test is flawed and the chances of me actually having GD and there being health risks to the baby are so low I don't feel like it's worth doing. 

The shitty thing is that now that I failed the first one my choices are take the 3 hr test and cross my fingers that I pass or find a new midwife who is comfortable with me declining the 3 hr test and follow the GD diet AND test my blood sugar 4X a day.  Obviously they have me cornered.  The easiest option is to just take the 3 hr test and hope I pass and this all goes away. 

However now I have a bad taste in my mouth.  I am bitter and frankly angry that midwives/Dr.s can manipulate you into compliance whenever they feel like it by simply uttering the tag line "it puts your baby at risk".  Who wants to be told they are a shitty mother before the baby is even born?  I feel like they are not giving me a choice.  I suppose I could call around and see if there is a midwife out there who has no problem with me skipping the 3 hr test but if they also want me to prick my finger 4X a day is it really worth it after I feel like I have already gotten comfortable with my current midwife?  I don't think so. 

So I have been bullied into taking the damn 3 hr test on Tues.  I know that the majority of women who fail the first test go on to pass the second.  My midwife said only 4-8% of women fail the 3 hr test.  If I do fail the 3 hr we will try to control it with diet and exercise (which I am already basically doing) and if it's managed then I can still have a home birth.  My midwife said in 8 years she has only had to transfer 2 women to OB care. 

The other really frustrating news is I got my iron levels checked and they are lower than the last time despite religiously taking my iron supplements!  How the fuck is that even possible?  Don't explain it to me, I don't care.  I was already anemic to start with so my midwife cautioned that we need to get them up to higher levels or my home birth might be jeopardized.  Double fuck. 

My thyroid results came back normal so at least there's that. 

We have our 30 week anatomy scan scheduled for this Friday.  If we don't get good news there I am preparing for a full on melt down.  Please, please let Hazy have had a growth spurt!  Even if she hasn't moved in percentiles at least let her be the same but just bigger all around.  I have been obsessively doubling my protein intake every day and last week at my midwife appt. I was measuring 2 weeks ahead so I am really crossing my fingers that means she has grown. 

I hope we get some good pictures of her which of course I will share with you!  Hope everyone else is having a better week than I am so far!