Wednesday, November 27, 2013

6 Week, 3 Day Ultrasound

Drum roll please......

There is only ONE baby in there!  I can't believe it!  It took 8 mutha fuckin follicles to get one egg to fertilize...WTH?  I kind of was thinking there was only one based on how mellow my symptoms have been so far, although this morning I did have to force myself to eat 1/2 a whole wheat english muffin while trying not to vomit but I think most of that was just nerves.  I alternated between feeling like I was going to dissolve into tears or start puking every 3 minutes this morning before our appointment.

B went into work early this morning and I picked him up at 8:30.  He looked like he was sick too.  He was as nervous as I was but his reaction was to be introverted almost like he was pissed at me for something.  I had to ask him to hold my hand which kind of pissed me off. 

We got to the clinic and of course waited a good 15 minutes past our appointment time.  They finally led us back and I learned that I should have an EMPTY bladder for the ultrasound, wish I'd known that before I drank a giant cup of tea and then had 2 dixi cups of water while in the waiting room!  I swear they always change it up on me.

Our Dr. came in a shook our hands while giving her congratulations.  Have I mentioned that she has a killer handshake?  It was the first thing I really noticed about her and that first handshake just sealed the deal for me.  This is not something I usually hold a lot of stock in or something I admire about people.  It's just this crazy strong grip that is bold, to the point and screams "I'm in charge and I get shit done!"

Ok so skip to actually seeing the baby (little smear of white inside black hole) on the screen.  We could immediately see one.  I kept looking for more but that's it, just one.  That in and of it's self was shocking.  The Dr. measured it and showed us the fetal pole.  I measured at exactly 6 weeks, 3 days which were my calculations (pat myself on the back).  The fetal pole she said was a tiny bit on the small side but she said (I am choosing to blindly believe her) at this early stage in pregnancy that it was normal.  We then tried to find the heartbeat.  She zoomed in on it but then it would get blurry.  She had me hold my breath so that my breathing didn't get in the way of catching the baby's heartbeat.  She said she definitely saw a flicker but just couldn't get a clear enough picture to measure it.  B and I definitely saw it too when it was more zoomed out and focused.  She said that was also normal since our ultrasound is early and they usually measure the heartbeat at 7 weeks or after.  So we have an appointment for next Wed. and that will be the big one...hopefully we see a super strong heartbeat and a bigger fetal pole!

The Dr. printed out 3 pictures for us and she handed them to me.  I looked at them and the tears just started flowing out.  I never thought that I would actually get to hold my ultrasound pictures and see my baby.  I just can't believe this is real.  I know we are not out of the woods and in the clear but It's been such a long, long 3 years.  So many ups and downs and stagnant moments.  I am so different than I was 3 years ago.  B is different.  We are different.  I feel so much older.  I feel battle weary.  I feel so very grateful and relieved.  I feel hungry.  I feel like I need to pee again, damn it! 

(Maybe once I can figure out how to scan the US pic I will post it...not tech savvy enough to do it without help from B.) 

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Obsessive panty checker

That's what I've become.  Every time I go to the bathroom I close my eyes and hold my breath before I meticulously inspect the contents of my panties and then I do it again when I wipe.  I haven't seen anything even remotely close to brown CM or spotting but I am so scared.  Scared shitless.

I just dont feel pregnant.  I barely have sore breasts,  I haven't had one hint of nausea, I dont feel tired, I have no food aversions or notice more intense smells.  Even the bloating and very mild crampy twinge feeling have subsided.  And last night I didn't even have to get up in the middle of the night to pee.  I do still notice the errect nips and very occasionally a twinge in the ovary area.  I do kinda feel like there's a small water balloon in my uterus...I'm not able to engage my abs like usual and arching my back just a little feels like a big stretch for my abs.

Tomorrow is our first US.  I will be 6 weeks and 3 days.  We should be able to see a heart beat.  I am so worried we won't find one.  How awful that would be...on so many levels, the least of which would be having to get on an airplane and spend thanksgiving in someone else's house for 4 days waiting to have a miscarriage.  I know, not a very positive attitude.  Have you read my blog before?  I'm not a very positive person, at least not when it comes to my IF.

So I am a ball of stress and angst and 9 am tomorrow can not come fast enough.

Monday, November 25, 2013

In other news...

Hey everybody!  Send your well wishes and sticky baby dust love to the cork and stork and Stupid Stork the next couple days.  Both ladies had their FET today!!!  I am soooooo  excited for both of them!  I haven't stopped thinking about how they are doing all day!  Also I will announce the big lie on my Two Truths and a Lie post soon so get your vote in now! 

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Stork Award!

I am finally getting around to answering the questions that were given to me when I was nominated for the Stork Award, Teresa at Where the *bleep* is our stork's new blog award!  I absolutely Love the logo, I think it is so beautiful and poetic and just adore Teresa.

Please, spread this award across the blogging community to those bloggers who bring song to your life.
How it works:
1. Include the Stork Award icon in your post
2. Link to the person(s) who nominated you
3. Answer the 10 questions about yourself
4. Nominate as many bloggers as you want to receive the award 
5. Ask your nominees 10 new questions 
6. Link your nominees and let them know they've been nominated
7. Post the Stork Award icon on your blog side bar if you are so inclined  

Here are my questions that I had to answer: 

  1. Do you like to plan things out in detail or be spontaneous?  It really depends on what we are talking about....some things I love to plan and obsess over in great detail but I also think I can be spontaneous and fly by the seat of my pants. 
  2. What embarrasses you?  When my clients fart in the middle of a session. 
  3. What are some of your favorite websites?  Sadly I am on FB way too often.  Blogging world of course.  Zappos. 
  4. How would you explain your basic life philosophy?  Try to be compassionate and kind.  Take chances and be happy in this very moment.  Is that a life philosophy? 
  5. Would you rather be hated or forgotten?  I guess I don't really care either way. 
  6. What do you like least about yourself?  How self critical I am about my body and the fact that I am a huge gossip. 
  7. Do you have a favorite number? Any particular reason why you like that number?  I have always like 14 and 56.  14 because that's my birthday and 56 because my favorite times table was 7x8.  I don't know why, I hate math. 
  8. If you could try out any job for a day, what would you like to try?  Maybe an ER Dr? 
  9. If you could go back in history, who would you like to meet?  Young Bob Dylan circa early 1960s.
  10. How are you, really?  Well, when I first got this nomination my answer would've been "OK."  I wasn't feeling super desperate or super sad.  I was pretty much resigned to the fact that medicated IUIs for some unexplained reason just were not going to work for us and I was mentally preparing to gear up for IVF.  I was looking forward to 3-6 months of getting uber healthy and focusing my time and energy on my whole body and not just my vagina and uterus.  I was really looking forward to a break from all the drugs, Dr.s appointments and poking and prodding.  Now though after our out of the blue, completely unexpected BFP I am of course over the moon!  And also terrified that it's all going to end as abruptly as it started.  I am feeling a little shocked that I am actually pregnant and wish I felt more different to prove it to myself.  But I am happy and trying to enjoy it moment by moment!  

The bloggers I nominate are: 
Aislinn over at baby makin'
Mrs. B of Fertility Schmertility  
Kasey over at Stupid Broken Eggs
Jane from Mine To Command
Sarah at When is it my turn?   

My questions for you are:

1)  What would have been your ideal age to have your first child?  
2)  What is your favorite way to distract yourself? 
3)  How many relationships have you had?  
4)  If you had to choose an ethnicity of food to eat from for the rest of your life what would it be?  ex. Mexican/Italian/Thai/Ethiopian, etc....
5)  When you were 13 what were you wearing? 
6)  What is the most adventurous thing you have ever done? 
7)  Do you have a favorite artist? 
8)  Do you think you take after your mother or your father more? 
9)  If you could be a musical genius what instrument would you choose to play? 
10)  Would you rather travel by air, water or land?  In what kind of vehicle? 

PS if you haven't already guessed which one is the lie on my last post two truths and a lie, please do it right now!  I am excited to reveal the answer!   


Friday, November 22, 2013

Two truths and a lie

I got tagged when I read Jenny's blog so now you are tagged too! 

Here are the rules: 

Tell us 3 things about you and make 1 of them a lie. Try to think about what other bloggers already know about you, what they might not know, and what might shock them. The trick is to make it difficult to tell which of the three is the lie....

Here are my two truths and one lie.  Comment and let me know which one you think is the lie and I will let you know...

1) To date I have witnessed five babies being born. 

2) While in college I was a waitress at Hooters for a little over a year.  It paid the bills.

3) I moved out of my parents house and 3 hours away to the "big city" when I was just 16.

Let the guessing begin and may the odds be ever in your favor!

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Beta results are in...


Yay, I am officially pregnant!  I thought this number was low and my heart started to sink but my nurse has assured me that it is actually a little higher than what they would expect for 5 weeks, 3 days pregnant.  (I think I am actually 5 weeks, 4 days but whatevs).  I managed to get them to agree to do my first ultrasound on Wed. before Thanksgiving and amazingly they had an appointment AND my RE is available to do it!  I have seen this lady like maybe 4 times.  Almost all my IUIs were on the weekends and were done by nurses (I think?  Dr.s?) and all my ultrasounds were done by what seemed to be lower level Dr.s  Anyway I am so excited (and still nervous) to hopefully see a heart beat and count how many are in there!

We are going to Minn. for Thanksgiving to visit B's brother and sister in law and our two nephews.  My mother in law is also going to be visiting.  B REALLY wants to tell them because although we could make the 3 plus hour trip to tell his mom later when we are a little more secure that this is going to stick, this is definitely our only opportunity to tell his brother in person.  So I think as long as we have a good ultrasound on Wed. we will tell them!  We have a tricky reveal cooked up too.  I will explain that later. 

I am still not experiencing too many symptoms.  I feel the most pregnant at night when I get in bed.  My tummy feels all squishy and there is more stretchy activity going on.  I also still have insomnia.  I want to get morning sickness.  But I don't really.  But I do!  I think it will make me feel like this is real.  But seriously I don't.  I work one on one with my Pilates clients and also teach Pilates and dance classes to groups of adults and kids.  I truly have no idea how I will function if I want to barf in the middle of one of my sessions or classes.  Some of the kids I teach are really little, like 3 and 4 so I can't just run to the bathroom and leave them in the studio by themselves.  I hope I feel a little queezy but not so much that I cant get through my day.  I just can't get knocked on my ass.

Hey!  Did you hear that my beta is 2,597 and I'm pregnant????? 

Tuesday, November 19, 2013


Don't get excited.  I haven't had a blood draw yet.  Unfortunately Mon/Tues are two of my busiest work days and the clinic didn't have any early morning appointments so my beta is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon at 3pm.  What sucks about that is because it's so late in the day I wont get results until Thurs.  Boo!  :( 

I am worried.  Of course.  I don't have any nausea and really only my nips are sensitive.  I have no issues with food or smells.  I haven't been exhausted.  I do have little twinges from the uterus/ovary area still.  Not cramps but something happening.  I read it's my uterus stretching.  I already feel like I cant engage my abdominals as well as I normally can (something I do all the time for teaching dance and pilates) and I feel fat/bloated.  I already had a little tummy roll and now I feel like I need to wear lose shirts.  Crazy. 

I tried to be really mellow when I was teaching last night and tonight.  I teach a couple of Ballet classes and pointe, Modern, Jazz, Jazz/tap combo and a little kids hip hop class.  Ballet doesn't worry me so much until we get to jumping and then I get paranoid.  I am worried I did too much teaching my hip hop class and modern with all the jumping around and rolling...I am just scared I am going to start bleeding!  I know exercise is good and recommended but I am just scared.  Maybe I will feel better when I get good beta results?

One really annoying thing that has been continuing is my insomnia.  I am usually a really good sleeper.  Out in 5 minutes and sleep through the night even when my dogs and husband get up and make noise.  Not anymore.  It started last wed night before I tested and found out that I am pregnant.  I woke up with my mind racing, thinking about if I was pregnant or if I wasn't pregnant.  And if I was how I would tell people and when.  And when I would tell work and stop working and then when I would go back to work.  Wondering if it was one baby or twins or more?  And if I wasn't pregnant what would our next steps be and etc, etc, etc.   Then Thurs I slept better but then Fri the insomnia was back and has continued since.  And I am talking for like at least 2 hours I am lying completely wide awake.  It sucks.

I have already told my sister who is next in line after me.  She is two years younger.  I really only told her because she is scheduling her wedding and if this pregnancy is actually for real and is sticking around then my due date is only 4 days before her scheduled wedding.  She has been having a hard time booking the venue and hasn't put any money down on it yet so I wanted to let her know so if she wanted to change the date she could.  She does want to push it back to later in Aug. or even Sept. so I am glad I told her now.  It's also kinda fun to have somebody in on our secret.  Pending how betas go, we may or may not tell my husbands mom and brother over Thanksgiving.  I know it's super early to tell people but it's our only chance to tell them in person and B REALLY wants to tell them.  I am hoping I can get an ultrasound to see the fetal pole and heart beat on the Wed. before thanksgiving and then I will feel a little better about telling them so soon.  My nurse left a message saying ultrasound at 7 weeks so I might have to fight with them to get one at 6 weeks, 3 days.  I just hope we even get to that point!  

As for the rest of my family I am cooking up plans of telling them on Christmas.  We will be at my parents house and all my sisters will be there.  I will be 10 and a half weeks at that point (if we make it there!)  and almost done with my first trimester.  I think my mom (and my sisters) might be more mad than happy because I didn't tell her right away but I think it will be entertaining none the less!  My mom always claims to be psychic so I can't wait to hear her say "I just knew it!"  even though she's lying through her teeth.  That's her classic line after the fact.  I am thinking about announcing that B and I have thought a lot about it and decided to not do IVF in May as planned and possibly wait until after my sisters wedding.  Then when everyone is like "WHY???" I will say "well, a couple of reasons but I guess the main reason is because we are already pregnant!"  Cue cheers and screams of joy all around. 

Anyway, I hate that I jump ahead weeks and months when this could all be fleeting.  I am constantly reminded of the fragility of this moment so don't think I have just skipped right over into "now my life is perfect!" land.  It is just so damn hard to not get excited and start thinking about the future.  I do this with everything in my life, work situations, vacation plans, all sorts of jumping ahead of myself.  

Should I pee on a HPT in the morning before I do my beta?  I think I will because I have them.  Unfortunately it's the one that just says pregnant so I wont be able to compare lines.  If it still says pregnant I will feel a little relieved and if it says not pregnant then I guess I will be prepared for bad news.  Ok, I am avoiding taking a shower so I gotta go.  I'll post again as soon as I get the beta results!  

Sunday, November 17, 2013

This shit is happening.

Today is CD35.
Today is 22DPIUI.
Today is 21DPO (or 22DPO depending on how you look at it.).

Today is the day I peed on a stick and saw this:

I am legitimately, 100%, mother fucking pregnant!  To say I am shocked is an understatement.  This is the first BFP I have ever had.  I really can't believe it's real.  I am 5 weeks pregnant....whaaaat?  This is completely surreal.  In 9 days I could potentially see a heart beat.  And we will find out A) if it's a healthy looking, viable pregnancy and B) how many of those 8 follies managed to fertilize and burrow in....definitely nervous about A and B. 

This is how it went down.  After several nights filled with anxiety and insomnia we woke up this morning with a plan.  Get coffee and donuts and then go buy pregnancy tests.  I wanted to see two lines and the word pregnant.  I wont lie, if there were two lines I wanted to stare and obsess over how dark of a line the second one was.  There is an amazing donut shop only about 15 blocks away from us but we somehow manage to only go there maybe twice a year.  So today we got our donuts and went to the drug store.  I made sure to buy some soap and conditioner also so we didn't just have two boxes of pregnancy tests at the checkout.  The girl behind the counter kept trying to catch my eye and smile coyly anyway.  It annoyed me so I was bitchy and actively gave her the cold shoulder.  That's how I roll. 
I highly recommend you put together a kit like this for your next HPT!

We went home and B immediately starts pushing me to go take the tests but I didn't really need to pee yet and I was honestly feeling like I was going to be sick.  I was filled with dread and so nervous.  Eventually I was like, fuck this.  Let's just get it over with.  I peed in a cup because if the first test showed two lines then I wanted to immediately do the digital test that says "Pregnant".  I peed in a plastic cup left over from one of our parties and was crackin up because I almost overflowed it!  And it was really gross to look at a big cup of your own urine and think "that looks like something I would drink!"  I dipped the stick in the cup facing away from me so I couldn't see it and then after I counted to 20 I put the cap on it and threw myself against the towel rack trying not to throw up.  It was probably only 15 seconds later, maybe only 10 but it felt like an eternity before B said in a disappointed voice oh shit... my heart sank and I turned around to look at it before running to bed and hiding under the covers for the rest of my life.  Before I even saw it B continued with "I hope your ok with being pregnant cause there's two lines!"  Of course I immediately started crying and shaking.  My heart was pounding.  I think the first thing I said was "oh my fucking god!"  We did the other test and waited to see the word pregnant pop did.

I am in disbelief.  We have been waiting for this for 3 and a half years.  We have worked so hard for this.  I have put my body through so much especially in the last year and a half.  I know this isn't game over.  I know we have a way to go before I can really breathe easy(ier).  But this is my first BFP friends.  I really thought it might never happen.  I will call the clinic tomorrow and find out if they will let us do an ultrasound to see the fetal pole and hopefully heartbeat on the Wed. right before Thanksgiving.  I assume they will also want me to come in to get a beta number before then.

I got tons of love and support from my fertility group on FB.  All private of course so none of my other people on FB can see it.  I am blown away by how gracious and happy all these ladies have been...I know I haven't always had happy thoughts when someone has gotten their BFP.  I know first hand how hard it is to find joy in someone elses victory.  It makes me feel very humble and so fortunate.  You ladies are all far better, more evolved women than I.  I promise to not be obnoxious in my future posts and updates.  I promise I will still be bitter and sarcastic and PISSED.  I might have to change the name of my blog to Now Pregnant and Still PISSED!  

Anyway I am getting ahead of myself.  First we need a beta number or two and then I need to see that heartbeat! 

Thursday, November 14, 2013

Something? Or nothing?

Alright, here it is.  I am so scared to even whisper a word of this post because as soon as I do I just know my bubble will be burst and by that I mean blood will come trickling out of my va jay jay.  Too graphic?  Sorry, I had VERY little sleep last night.  I was awake from 3:30am until my alarm went off at 5:55.  My mind was racing! 

Today is CD32.  No sign of AF.  I wouldn't put much thought into it normally (I have been known to go to CD36 in the past) but I had those 8 juicy (I don't know why I keep referring to them as juicy.  That's annoying, sorry.)  follicles that were ready to go so I had a trigger shot on CD13 and then the IUI on CD14.  So does that mean that I technically ovulated on CD15?  Doesn't the trigger shot force the follies to release the eggs 36 hrs later?  Help!  Assuming my calculations are correct, that puts me at about 18 DPO!  A normal luteal phase is 12-16 days. 

Here's what else has been going on.  The few days after the IUI I felt cramping but it was too early to be implantation.  I chalked it up to the 8 follicles and all the poking around in there.  I mean, there's a lot of shit going on up in there!  But then last weekend I was really bloated and my abs (maybe uterus?) felt really...tight, for lack of a better description.  When I reached my arms over my head my abs felt sore and like it was a stretch, strange because believe me I didn't do any ab workout.  I also have had a few episodes of standing up from sitting (yes, usually hunched over) and getting a sharp ovary pain. 

Then on Tues and Weds my breasts were sore.  Let me let you in on a little secret.  I have like zero sensation in my nipples and breasts.  B can tweak and suck to his hearts desire and I feel nothing.  TMI?  Sorry, no sleep = no filter.  My breasts are never sore when AF comes to town.  So noticing that my nips have been, erect and generally sensitive makes me think that maybe, just maybe something is actually happening.  God, I fucking said it.  Now it really wont come true. 

I refuse to test until Sunday and I am sticking to it.  I cant bare to see another negative test.  I cant cope with the disappointment if it's negative.  This could all be nothing.  I have had phantom nipple pain before.  My period has been late before (but I probably ovulated late that cycle).  This could be a chemical pregnancy.  This could be me being an overreacting lunatic and just. be. nothing. 

But please, please, please be something...

Monday, November 11, 2013

AF is a stone cold beeotch.

So today is CD 29.  But because I had 8 juicy follicles ready to go and got a trigger shot on CD 12 that puts me at 16 DPO.  I am sure my period is right around the corner but so far she's a no show. 

This doesn't mean my hopes are up.  This doesn't mean I am thinking about getting a pregnancy test.  This means I am in "wear a panty liner every waking moment" mode.  This means every twinge I feel in the low abdomen area gets over analyzed.  This is probably the worst part of the roller coaster for me.  I know I'm going to get my period but then it stalls and I start to let in just a glimmer of hope and then I get my period and I hate myself for feeling disappointed when I knew it was going to turn out that way from the start.  Sorry for the run on sentence.

 I even finally had sex last night hoping it would kick start AF.  It had been a while.  A loooonnng while.  After our IUI and our two nights of BD after, I took my usual "do not touch me for 5 days (or more)" break.  Then B got sick with a gross cold which turned him into a flemmy, coughing, snoting, sneezing baby.  I wasn't going near that! 

Maybe I will try it again tonight to try to get the next cycle started.  I realized that if I get my period like right now then we can actually squeeze in our last IUI before we leave on our Thanksgiving vacation!  I am really hoping that the timing works out and then all our IUIs will be done before xmas and we can just start fresh in the new year with a new plan.  

Was just remembering how seeing that first smear of blood on my underpants or toilet paper used to make me feel so relieved.  How times have changed. 

Thursday, November 7, 2013


Still chillin in the 2WW over here.  Really nothing to report.  Pretty sure this cycle will end in a BFN.  I did have some ovary pain and crampy type feelings the day of the IUI all the way to Wed of last week.  I am sure I can chalk that up to all the drugs forcing me to create 8 plus (8 that were mature but I had more that technically didn't count) follicles and then forcing the follicles to release the eggs with more drugs, followed by a catheter inserted through my cervix and then the BD we had to do later that night and the next!  Since then I really haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary except for possibly some enlarged/slightly sensitive nips which have now returned to normal.

I called my nurse today to get approval to do one more IUI with Clomid and FSH injection.  That would be our 7th.  I am not totally sure we will do it, I have to discuss it more with B and look into how much money we have left on our insurance credit card because no part of the IUI is covered by our insurance so it comes directly out of our pocket, ie off the insurance credit card. 

I want to give it one more shot since it is relatively easy and painless.  I would like to really rule out IUI working for us and get it over with right before the holidays.  Shit.  It actually just occurred to me that we are going to Minn. for Thanksgiving and I am pretty sure that would be our ovulation weekend.  Shit.  Well, even if we skip a cycle and then try one last time in Dec. we will still wrap it up before the new year.  That would be nice. 

That means that the only option we have left to get me pregnant is IVF.  Fuck, I really cant believe we have traveled down this road this fucking far.  I really never imagined this is what it would come to.  It is almost like an out of body experience.  Is this really happening to me? 

When/If we move on to IVF that means we need to get super stingy about saving our money.  Something neither of us is good at.  We have a good chunk of the money that my parents gave us this summer (which still just blows my mind!) but if we do the ATTAIN program, which I think is the smartest way to go, then we still need possibly another 10K.  Do we have that?  Fuck no!  Do we have close to it?  Ha!  Nope!  Maybe we can pull together 5K but that basically wipes out both of our savings.  One of our dogs got cancer a year and a half ago and we spent practically every last penny we had in savings on surgeries trying to save his life.  Sadly it didn't work and it cleaned out of savings.  B gets VERY stressed out about not having a little buffer in his savings account for emergencies.  So really we have to save enough money to cover IVF and still have a little bit of money in the bank. 

This means we don't do IVF right away in the new year...and I am okay with that.  As much as I would love to hurry up and be pregnant right this second I am also looking forward to a break from all the appointments, drugs, injections, poking and prodding.  I am looking forward to getting back into a good work out routine and feeling good about my body again (do I ever really feel good about my body?).  I also want to do a 3 or 4 month cleanse to clean my body out so I have the absolute healthiest eggs possible for retrieval.  I also would be happy to not have a winter baby!  So I am hoping that we can make IVF work for May or June.  It would be so great to be pregnant before my 33rd bday in June.  We will see what happens. 

Anyhoo that's enough rambling for one night. 

Remember when it was 2 buck chuck???