Saturday, August 2, 2014

She is here!!!

This will be short...not because I have my hands full with a newborn but because the power has been out all day and I'm posting from my phone which is on its last fumes before it runs out of batteries...and I've got my hands full with a newborn!

My Hazy arrived on Thurs morning at 7:48.  I had the home birth that I wanted and she was born in the water.  There were no complications and everything went as perfectly as I could have hoped for.  I still am in disbelief.

Hazy weighed 7.7lbs and is 19 1/2 in long with a gorgeous full head of hair.  True to form she was a very mellow, lazy Hazy when she emerged.  Very alert but we had to irritate her to get her to cry so she could pink up.

We are working on breastfeeding which is fucking really hard.  We were up the entire night last night and she (both of us) was very upset.  I think things are getting better today and I'm praying my milk comes in ASAP!

Full birth story and shit tons of photos to follow...I'll try to make it sooner than later I promise!

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Still pregnant over here...did I trick you?

You all thought I hve been quiet because surely by now I had gone into labor and had a baby, right?  Well don't you feel stupid!!!  I'm STILL pregnant!  I am now 6 days overdue and there are no signs that labor is even close to happening. 

The weather has drastically cooled down which has made things so much easier for me.  I feel about the same as I did two months ago...I'm not super uncomfortable and am able to just do my daily routine like normal.  I have been feeling some braxton hicks off and on but it's still really subtle. 

I had my last day of work last Friday (I managed to work all the way up to my due date!) and just hung out for my first week of maternity leave.  I did keep busy with jury duty one morning and inspecting a house. 

That's the most exciting news, we are buying a house!  We found one, toured it, put a bid in the same night we toured it and spent the next day negotiating with the sellers until they agreed to our offer!  We did an inspection a few days later and decided to go for it.  It's so exciting but also very overwhelming to think of the responsibility and money.  We are barely able to afford it.  We are going to be living a much tighter life style and if anything happens to us or our jobs we are fucked.  It's scary.  But thinking about raising our daughter there and having peace of mind that it's ours and we can be there for as long as we choose is so worth it.  I hope.  We close on Aug. 8th so we are aiming to move as soon as we get the main spaces painted....probably by Aug 15?  My sister's wedding is on Aug. 22 so I want to be moved and settled before then because we have family coming from out of town and I am excited to show off the new house.  And the new baby!!! 

We are just now starting to get really anxious to meet this little baby.  I was pretty certain she would be late so I'm not surprised we are still waiting but now I'm getting anxious for her to come on her own because I don't want to get induced or go so late I have to birth in the hospital.  We have time though.  I am going to acupuncture today and on Monday to try to get things started.  I have been drinking pineapple juice although it doesn't seem to be doing anything.  I am going to eat the pineapple core after acupuncture today.  I ate pineapple core the only time I ever got pregnant so maybe it will also help me go into labor.  We plan on walking a lot this weekend and we had sex last night and intend to get busy a few more times this weekend (and throughout the week if need be).  I have to say thought that sex is pretty boring because we are so limited in positions.  We are down to about two.  I am just too fat and uncomfortable for most of them to work.  It's not even my belly that's the problem half the time but my fat depressing. 

It seems like every day I don't have this baby I get about 5 more stretch marks.  I was doing so great until about 6 weeks ago and didn't have any stretch marks on my belly.  Now is a different story.  And those stretch marks itch!  Everyone kept asking me if my belly itched and I was always able to say no it really doesn't but let me tell you, it's the stretch marks that make it itch!

I was cleaning up the lady bits the other day in prep for labor (I've had anxiety about what should be going on down there) and while using a mirror because that is the only way to see what is happening in that region I realized that I may have a small hemorrhoid.  I'm not 100% sure but maybe.  Luckily I don't have any discomfort or itchiness so I'm just going to ignore it. 

Ok, I need to go to acupuncture so that's all for now.  I will definitely post as soon as anything starts to happen, or in a few days when I am still waiting for Hazy....

Thursday, July 10, 2014

10 days...

Since it's 10 pm already it's really like 9 days left but 10 days has a better ring to it, don't you think? 

10 days until my due date...I'm definitely a lot more freaked out than last time I wrote.  I feel like the SATs are looming and I haven't studied enough. 

My body is starting to fall apart so I am actually starting to welcome the thought of not being pregnant anymore.  I am still sad about not feeling Hazy move inside me anymore and I will miss my belly (my slightly less pregnant, more manageable belly I had 6 weeks ago) but my feet feel like I'm walking on two giant bruises.  Apparently the ONLY place on my body that doesn't have fat on it are the balls of my feet.  My knees feel like they are going to blow out every time I bend down due to all the added weight I've packed on.  I am also noticing that my sacrum and pubic bone feel vulnerable, like they just might separate with any little misstep.  My thighs have gotten so fat (and have multiple giant red tiger stripe stretch marks from crotch to knees) that they chaff together and get really sweaty.  When I sit my belly rests on top of my thighs and that gets really sweaty too.  My boobs have become giant sagging, uneven udders that rest heavily on my belly.  They get sweaty and I have developed a lovely heat rash underneath them.  I'm super sexy. 

It's been really hot here which normally I love with a passion.  I poo pooed everyone who commented that I would be miserable when summer came around.  It's hard to admit it but they were totally right.  The heat makes EVERYTHING so much harder.  I went through my 20 plus pairs of maternity jeans (all given to me 2nd hand) trying to find a pair to turn into cut offs (long knee length cut offs) and I almost cried because about 90% of them don't even fit me anymore. 

Okay enough complaining. 

My sister's bachelorette party was a success.  Thank goodness two of my other sisters helped me do some last minute planning and then helped me decorate and set up.  The pole dancing class was pretty awesome.  I really want to take another class after my abdominals have repaired themselves.  The strip club was sad and pathetic.  I can't believe that that is the best Seattle has to offer the ladies.  It shameful.  I still haven't gotten pictures from it but I will post some when I do.  I am relieved that it is over and happy that my sister had a good time. 

We have 2 more birth classes left.  The last one will be a repeat breast feeding class that we took early in case I go into labor before then.  There is only one couple due before us out of the whole class.  I am so curious to see if they show up next week.  A couple of weeks ago the instructor (The world famous Doula Penny Simkin) used a vagina puppet to demonstrate perineal was awesome!

The house hunt is still in full swing.  We have seen at least 35 houses in the last month.  It's amazing how many shitty houses are out there in the world.  Who designs these monsters?  We have had a couple of chances to bid on a house but have decided that for various reasons we wouldn't be happy long term with them so we have backed out before wasting our money on pre inspections.  We are just waiting to pounce on that magical house that has all the right elements in the right location.  So yeah, no house for us yet.  At least the shock of our situation has worn off and we have gotten used to this new reality. 

I have a doula appt tomorrow and will be forced to admit that we still haven't written our birth plan. 

Good news is I got a negative for group strep B so I don't have to be hooked up to IV antibiotics the whole labor!  Thank god.  My iron levels have slightly increased too so that's also great news.  I am still in the zone to proactively head off hemorrhaging with a pitocin shot in my thigh as soon as the baby comes out....I am thinking about it.  Since my numbers are up a little I am leaning towards skipping it and only doing the pitocin shot if I actually truly am bleeding too much.  I don't want to get a shot of pitocin unnecessarily if I'm not having any abnormal bleeding.  There's always something to stress over.  But my BP is really good still and I am measuring at 40 weeks already so my growth is perfect.  My midwife estimated on Tues that Hazy is about 7 lbs!  Remember all that bullshit about IUGR?  If I go two weeks late then she might be 8.5 lbs!  

I had my last night of teaching tonight.  I wont go back to teaching until Oct.  I am hoping to still nanny half days next week because I am soooooo broke.  I only saved a fraction of the money I was hoping to save for my 12 plus weeks of unpaid maternity leave.  I am super stressed out about it.  Hopefully my body holds up just one more week and Hazy doesn't come early.  Every hour I can squeeze in counts. 

Alright, I guess that's all there is to catch you up on.  Despite all the complaining and whining I really am excited to meet my baby girl.  It is bizarre to me that at the very most in 3 short weeks I will have a baby.  I will be a mom.  It's still so abstract. 

(ps. I posted a new belly pic on the belly pic page)

Monday, June 23, 2014

4 Weeks Left...

First off, am I the only one whose blog dashboard is only showing one post and then not loading anything else??  Seriously annoyed by that. 

So yesterday was officially 4 weeks til my due date.  Holy shit, you guys I can't believe it.  Like I really can't believe it.  I can't quite seem to wrap my head around the fact that the little wiggly being inside my belly is going to find her way out.  I don't feel prepared for that to happen to my body.  I haven't been nervous about the birth and I really still am not nervous simply because it just doesn't feel like it could really happen.  I have zero signs of it happening.  I haven't felt any Braxton Hicks in several months.  I haven't had leaking boobs.  I have had zero back/pelvic pain.  I am not waddling, I can still walk pretty much like a normal person.  I'm sure a lot can happen in the next 4 weeks but as of right now it feels like my body is not getting ready for the big vagina explosion.  Sorry, I like to refer to the birth as the vagina explosion to freak B out, ha ha!

I also can't believe that in several very short weeks I will not be pregnant and instead will have a little human that I am responsible for for the rest of my life!  I feel like it's been such an abstract idea for so so long and now that it's really going to happen I am just a little freaked out!  I just don't know how the reality of our plans will really work out.  Will our childcare plan to switch off between the two of us really work out the way we hope it will?  Will I be able to pump and will she be able to switch between breastfeeding and a bottle with out getting nipple confusion?  Will I really be able to integrate her into my nanny routine and be able to make that work?  Will B really be able to go to work at 5:30am, come home at 3pm and then deal with Hazy for another 6 hrs without me 3 days a week? 

I know that if we weren't dealing with all the house bullshit I would feel more prepared and settled.  I can't tell you how angry I am with our current land lords that they have fucked us like this.  I realize that giving us 6 months is a generous amount of time and I am truly grateful that we have that time on our side.  But I just can't forgive them for springing this on us right before our very first child is to arrive.  Not the time in your life when you want to be worried about where you are going to live.  I am so furious that for the last remaining weeks of my pregnancy (what might be my only pregnancy) instead of just enjoying my growing belly and focusing on getting mentally and emotionally prepared to meet my baby I am forced to have constant anxiety, worse insomnia than before, endless meetings with lenders and realtors, hours and hours searching for house listing on the internet and of course massive stress about money.  It's such bullshit. 

We made our first offer on a house that I really loved last Thursday.  We came in second so we lost.  The house wasn't the most amazing house in the world but I just could just picture us raising our family in it and the commute wouldn't have affected our lives very much at all.  I am still really bummed that the other people beat us by about 10K.  We even offered 10% over the asking price and then 10K beyond that.  The other people basically offered 15% over the asking price.  It is really frustrating how the market works here in Seattle.  It's super competitive and there are not very many houses in our price range that are in reasonable locations.  Basically if we are really stoked about a house you can bet there are at least 10 other people who are stoked on it and there will be a bidding war. 

We are all set with a realtor that we really like and we are meeting with another lender tonight to hopefully get all squared away with financing.  We started with one lender but then switched because this new guy can close super fast which makes any offer we make more desirable to the seller.  If the house is newly listed and we know there's competition then you have to pay for a pre inspection to make your offer more desirable too.  We paid $700 bucks last week for a pre inspection on the house we lost.  Wonderful.  Considering that we have been told to expect to lose the first 3-5 offers we make before we finally get a house, we can't blow $700 bucks every time we make an offer.  My new strategy is to look at houses that are about 25K out of our price range but have been on the market for over 60 days.  Obviously there isn't the same competition and we can make a lower offer that is in our price bracket.  If they agree to the offer then we pay for an inspection.  We'll see if my plan pays off.  Ugh, I am so sick of this already. 

We had our Doula come over on Friday evening and talked with her about what might help me in labor.  Basically I don't know.  I just have no idea what I will be feeling and what will make me more comfortable.  She really encouraged us to make a birth plan which we have been way too busy to really think about.  Later today I have an appointment with a naturopath who will hopefully become our family Dr and Hazy's pediatrician.  I hope I like her right away so I don't have to continue looking for someone else.  Tomorrow we have our first home visit with our midwife.  I am stressed about how she will react to my dogs.  They have a 5 minute freak out period when people come over.  They freak out when they hear someone at the door and then when the person enters the house they circle and sniff and jump up.  It's totally obnoxious and there's no way to get them to listen to commands because they are overcome with excitement.  It gives me anxiety. 

 I am hosting my sister's bachelorette party on Sat.  I spent last weekend shopping for penis paraphernalia.  We are kicking it off at my house and then going to a pole dance class and the male strip club.  I really hope it's fun and my sister has a good time.  I am feeling pretty distracted so I hope I can get my shit together and pull it off!  

Next weekend marks 37 weeks which means I am allowed to go into labor whenever and have a home birth!  So I just have to make it through the bachelorette party and the cost is clear, Hazy can arrive whenever she wants.  Oh. My. God.  The thought of her arriving in 7 days and everyone would be ok with it is mind boggling. 

How do I make this seem more real?

Ps. I posted a new belly pic...because I skipped my 34 week pic there is a month between the last two pics and wow, you can see a big difference!!!

Monday, June 16, 2014

Crazy Days...5 weeks to go!!!

Here's a quick an update.  We have thrown ourselves full gear into trying to buy a house.  We are crazy.  I can't even believe that as of two weeks and one day ago buying a house was something we were so sure we would never be able to do and was completely off our radar.  So strange how quickly things change....

Last week was a frantic panic of going to bank meetings and collecting all our paper work to get our pre approval letter for our home loan.  I think we really pulled our shit together as quickly as anybody possibly could have especially considering our work schedules and other commitments we have going on right now.  (Like birth class which I will get into later)  We met with one bank on Sat, another on Tues.  We filled out the paper work and collected all our documents on Wed. and then I went back to the bank and went through it all with them on Thurs.  We also squeezed in looking at a house we were interested in on Tues. (not the house for us).  We have been told by the bank that we will have our pre approval letter by the end of this week. 

Then this weekend we went to 4 open houses and fell in love with a house.  We were thinking because we didn't have our pre approval letter in hand that we wouldn't be able to bid on the house by the offer review date (Thurs) but it turns out that might not be the case.  B's aunt has a really good friend who is a realtor in our area and we talked with her several times on Sunday night.  She is all over it.  She is shopping our pre approval around to other lenders to see if we can get a better interest rate and she is meeting us at the house tonight to have a private tour and to give us her opinion on the property and neighborhood.  I am really interested to hear what she has to say about it.  She also set up a pre inspection that is going to get done on Wed. so if she tells us that it's a solid house for a good price then we will bid as much as we can and hope we are the more desirable buyers.  She said there has been a lot of interest in in the house (no wonder cause it's a sizable house with an amazing yard, in a decent location, for a good price) but no one else has done a pre inspection. 

B's parents are practically forcing us to accept down payment money from them and I've had a hard time coming to terms with it.  I know it makes them really happy to see us using the money to buy a house and I know that they don't need that money for anything else but it makes me uncomfortable and I feel shity that we can't do this on our own.  It makes me feel like a loser and a spoiled brat.  B has no problem with it.  At first they were saying it was a loan and we could pay them back however we were comfortable with but then I pointed out to everyone that they would be 100 years old by the time we paid them back and we would be constantly broke between our mortgage and repaying our debt.  Then the money turned from a loan into early inheritance.  Since both parents and B seem to be happy with this arrangement I am trying to suck up my own insecurities and just be grateful and appreciative. 

On top of all that we started our birth classes last week.  Our class is two and a half hrs on Tues nights until after my due date.  The woman teaching it is a world famous guru Doula named Penny Simkin.  She has written a couple books including The Birth Partner.  She is a crack up in class so far.  She makes jokes and is pretty entertaining.  There are a lot of couples in our group and it will be interesting to see if we get to really know any of them.  I still have the infertility chip on my shoulder and tend to want to steer clear of pregnant ladies (why wont that go away??) so I tend to avoid eye contact and small talk.  We'll see what happens.

Because the last class falls two days after my due date they encouraged me to attend to previous session's last class in case I go into labor early and have to miss it.  So we went to the class on Thurs.  It was a breast feeding class and it was pretty informative.  B and I were both so overwhelmed with 5 hrs of birth/breastfeeding classes and all the house stuff we were just exhausted.

We also had a midwife appt. on Thurs before our breastfeeding class.  I am measuring about a week ahead again and everything else looks good.  Hazy appears to be doing great!  My midwife felt her and said she is guessing that she weighs between 4 1/2 to 5 lbs and if I go late she might be up to 8 1/2 lbs!!!  Do you remember all that bull shit about her being a small baby?  I ordered our home birth supplies kit and B is ordering the labor tub.  I just set up an appt with a naturopath pediatrician for next Monday.  She also treats the whole family so I am going to ask her about the TDAP shot and the group B strep swab.  I'd like to avoid both but have the feeling I will get coerced into doing them.  I have two friends who go to this Dr. and love her so I feel good about that.  Plus I liked her picture on the website.  That is how you pick someone, right?

As if that wasn't enough my dance students had their dress rehearsal on Fri evening and 2 shows on Saturday.  That marks the end of the year until Sept. so I am now not teaching on Mon/Tues nights which is sad for my bank account, makes me very happy!  I won't be going back to teaching there until the middle of Oct. when Hazy will be about 11-12 weeks old.

This weekend was also the graduations of two of my sisters.  One from University and one from high school.   I didn't get to attend either but they both understood. 

Saturday was also my birthday....33.  Blah.  During the second recital my boss told the entire audience of 200 plus people that it was my birthday and they all sang me happy birthday while I stood there looking like an idiot.  The highlight of the day was when I got home and opened my gift from B.  He got me the petunia pickle bottom diaper bag that I told him I wanted 6 weeks ago.  I didn't think he would get it because of the price and then the whole housing situation happened and I intended to tell him to skip it because we cant afford it right now.  I forgot to tell him though and he actually got it!  I LOVE it!  I want to start using it now as my purse but I feel silly doing that until Hazy arrives. 

Only 5 more weeks until my due date!  This shit is getting real.  I am trying to do my keagals and squats.  We have done one session of perineal massage.  That was not sexy friends.  B thought it was going to be sexy and we quickly realized that it couldn't be farther from a sexy fun time.  We haven't done it since but we really need to make it a priority.  Awkward and uncomfortable as it may be it's better than ripping the ol' vag during the birth.  I like to call the perineal massage "Vaginal stretching" because it makes B squirm.  It's funny. 

Ok, I think I have purged my crazy thoughts for the moment so that's it for now! 

Monday, June 9, 2014

My landlords are fucking liers.

I will try to be brief because I'm writing this in my phone and typing with one finger is no bueno.

We have rented an amazing house for the last four years.  We love everything about it.  Here's a list of reasons why its perfect for us

1) its a cute house that meets our space requirements with just a little extra.

2) has a fenced yard that's perfect for the dogs

3) AMAZING location!  Easy to commute everywhere I work, so close to B's work he walks to work and back everyday!

4) There are a million amenities one block away.  An upscale outdoor shopping mall with tons of stores and restaurants. It also includes a grocery store and a pharmacy.  Oh, and our pet food store.  And my bank.  And my mechanic.

5) Its a safe area and the neighborhoods offer a gorgeous dog walk.

6) great schools

7) our rent has been off the charts cheap considering the location of the house and its size/condition.  Its a steal.

Basically our situation there has been paradise in the heart of the city and we always felt like it was just too good to be true.

In Feb we sent the landlords to an email telling them we were pregnant and would be having a baby in July.  They were excited and sent us a really nice email back saying that they loved having us as tenents and had no plans of doing anything with the house in the foreseeable future and we should be able to rent for years and years to come.  That's a direct quote from their email.

We breathed a huge sigh of relief and have spent the last 5 months preparing to have our daughter's first years happen in this house.  Everything from getting her room looking gorgeous to making childcare plans based on that location being our home base.

Last Sunday evening I got an email from the know where this is going.  They need to take over possession of the house due to "family issues".  They are giving us 6 months which is the only good news in this shity situation.  We are in complete shock and literally feel sick to our stomachs.  Last Monday I cried all day and had to force myself to eat because I really thought I was going to vomit.  We got the email 7 weeks before my due date.....7 fucking weeks!!!!

I'm at the peek of nesting and feeling so ready, so prepared for this baby and now we don't have our perfect house??? Are you fucking joking?  This is a complete game changer on so many different levels.

We have two dogs, one a pit bull.  Nobody wants to rent to you when you have a pit bull.  Seriously no one.  It took me 10 months of constant searching to find the house we have now.  And we got super lucky.

No matter where we go it will be a giant downgrade...a downgrade in location and convenient commutes.  A downgrade in walkability to groceries/restaurants/coffee shops/bank/pet store, etc.

B will have to drive to work and that leaves me without a back up car which has come in handy several times (like two weeks ago when I had two flat tires in 4 days).  We will pay more for gas if he has to drive to work and if our commute times are longer then they are now...which is going to happen.

Rent is going to go up.  Way up.

So we have spent the last week trying to figure out what to fucking do.  At this point we are pursuing the option of buying a house.  Its crazy.  Never in a million years would I ever have imagined trying to get a home loan and a real estate agent and trying to buy a house 6 weeks before I have this baby.  We were totally unprepared to buy a house.  We've talked about it and decided we can't afford what we want in the location we want so we have continued to rent.

We found out our credit scores have gotten better than they used to be and we got pre-pre approved for a home loan at my bank.  My in laws are insisting we take money from them for a down payment.  Technically it would be a loan and we would pay them back but the reality is we wouldn't be able to pay then back until they are in their nineties so that's a joke.

I'm having a hard time accepting the money knowing that we can't afford mortgage payments and make regular payments to them.  Its easier for B because they are his parents and I do think they honestly don't care about us paying them back.  His dad said to just think of the money as an advance on B's inheritance.  I just feel so shity that we can't do this on our own and have to rely on a handout to make buying a house a reality.  I was in tears about it yesterday.

We are meeting with another credit union tomorrow and a mortgage broker on wed so we should know more then.

I can't believe I'm dealing with this stress and my Hazy is due in 6 weeks.  Fuck you asshole landlords.  My mother said she's making voodoo dolls for you so you better watch your back.  

Saturday, May 31, 2014

1 year

A year ago last May I started this blog.  I had been quietly skulking around several people's infertility blogs and felt like I really wanted to comment and chime in.  I was so relieved to hear that other women were feeling exactly what I was feeling and that I truly wasn't the only person in the world feeling like shit.  I was nervous about actually starting my blog since I am not a writer (not even a little bit!) and since college days haven't so much as kept a diary or journal.  (I can't even begin to describe how embarrassing those college diaries are!  It's mortifying to go through and read them...I need to burn them so when I die I am not haunted from the grave that somebody will pick them up and look through them.) 

There was a blogger who I messaged because we had sooooo many similarities it was almost like we were the same person.  I am sure I came off like a total psycho stalker in my desperation to connect with someone who I thought would empathize with my situation.  However that person was so kind and welcoming.  She messaged me back almost immediately and continued the conversation over several days.  It was like she instantly became my infertility sponsor.  She encouraged me to start this blog and honestly if it wasn't for her support I probably wouldn't have.  That person is Teresa from Where the *bleep* is our stork?  So thank you Teresa for your encouragement and your friendship this last year.  Even though it's only been a year you have been there for me through many ups and downs.  You introduced me to a whole community of women who have literally saved my sanity in the last 12 plus months. 

To all of you who continue to read and comment on my posts I thank you too and truly appreciate your friendship!  I always look forward to reading your updates and I admire each of your strength and ability to adapt, cope, accept, grieve, doggedly pursue and persevere in your journey to find what it is you are looking for.  I hope we all get our happy ever after...or at least our peace ever after. 

Friday, May 23, 2014

Update on 30 Week anatomy scan...

Sorry, I got totally distracted by my baby shower.  If you don't remember, this is how our anatomy scan went down two weeks ago and how I was feeling about it.

So last Tuesday I took the 3 hr gestational diabetes test.  I was not happy about having to take it.  I had talked on the phone with my mother's midwife who delivered at least 3 if not all 4 of my younger sisters.  She is literally best friends with Ina May Gaskin (you should know who that is) and teaches globally with her and other midwives.  She is the real deal.  Not the hospital kind of midwife (not that hospital midwives are bad, they are just a totally different breed of midwife.)  My mother's midwife offered to deliver my baby...FOR FREE but the catch is I would have to drive to her when my labor starts and I just don't think that's a good idea.  I want to have my baby at my house.  I don't want to labor in the car and have to wait in line for the ferry for god knows how long and then labor on the ferry and then have an hour long drive.  We have no idea how long my labor will last and it just sounds way too stressful and dicey.  She would be willing to come to me except she has a bunch of babies all due around my due date so she can't be that far away from all of her clients. 

Anyway, we talked for over an hour and although talking to her was empowering and validated all my feelings and concerns about taking the GD test, listening to the anatomy scan Dr.'s predictions about my baby's size and my doubts about my midwife, it was also depressing to hear her opinion on the midwives in the Seattle area.  My rough plan was if my midwife was going to push for further scans and tests then I was going to find a new midwife who was more hands off and natural.  This plan didn't seem to be an option after talking to my mother's midwife whose opinion is that ALL the midwives in Seattle are too scared about liability and staying in the hospital's good graces so they have a very clinical approach to their midwifery.  She said they might as well all be practicing in the hospitals and just call themselves nurse midwives.  Whether or not that is really true, I was feeling super bummed.  She would only recommend two midwives in Seattle who she would trust but they are both unavailable when my baby is due.  So it seemed like there would be no one I could really switch to if I decided to go that route.  

So I took the damn GD test and waited for my appointment with my midwife to see what she had to say about our anatomy scan and how she wanted to proceed.  I felt so anxious and stressed all week.  Finally on the Thursday before my shower I saw her for our appointment.  Right away she started off saying that she thought our scan looked really good and was very positive about Hazy not dropping in numbers!!  I almost cried, I was so relieved.  She said that it's really good that she is growing at a stable rate and it's ok that she hasn't moved up in percentiles...she just didn't want to see her dropping down.  She said she doesn't need us to do any more scans as long as my belly keeps measuring on track (I was still measuring 2 weeks ahead we found out later in the appointment)!  It was like a giant cloud was lifted.  She could tell I was visibly relieved and we talked a little bit about how I had been stressing out and worried about having to do more tests and scans.  I told her that I didn't want to do ANY more testing or scans and that was why I had chosen to go with a midwife in the first place.  I also found out that I barely passed the GD test so that was a huge relief too.  I guess my fasting numbers were high so I shouldn't go 14 hours without eating shit.

So as of right now I have no more future tests or scans scheduled.  I am sticking with this midwife hopefully until the end.  I have to order the birthing tub and the home birth medical supplies kit and that's about it.  I have to get to June 29th in order to have a home birth.  They will deliver 3 weeks early but if she comes any earlier we obviously have to be in the hospital.  They will let me go a full 14 days past my due date.  At 41 and 1/2 weeks they want me to go in for a scan to check and make sure baby is that point if it means not getting induced and not going to the hospital then fine I'll do the damn scan.  After 14 days they will give me a couple more days if I repeat the scan a second time.  Again, if we get to that point fine.  My plan is before 41 and 1/2 weeks (if I make it that far) I will drink a castor oil and pineapple juice cocktail and go for a long walk, followed by a sexathon....maybe all those things but in reverse order as I think the castor oil makes you poop out everything you got.  That would not make for a very sexy atmosphere.   

Monday, May 19, 2014

Baby Shower of my dreams

The baby shower happened and it far surpassed my expectations!  My sister, mom and best friend planned and hosted and they just made it beyond perfect.  To say it was the classiest baby shower I've ever been to (and I've been to a lot) is an understatement.  The details that they put into the games, decorating, food were all just so thoughtful and beautiful.

My friend hosted the shower at her dad's condo.  We used the condo building's event space which is a private room with a patio balcony nestled in between sky scrappers.  It overlooks the water in down town Seattle.  A little posh and very classy.  The room has big windows, long L shaped couches and a full kitchenette with a counter bar.

My sister is a super pinterest, crafty, baker type and is amazing at throwing very well thought out parties.  (I am too, it must run in the family...except all I do well is food and booze, not so much the crafty/baker type)  My mom helped her make the party favors (I don't think I've ever been to a shower that had party favors!) and all three of them prepared all the food.

The day of the shower one of my other sisters had crashed on my couch and we were waiting to pick up another sister to all go down town together.  We had some time to kill so we went and got pedicures!  I took my sister to a place in my neighborhood that I had never been before.  I got int the chair and put my feet in the water.  The chair had a remote control to manage the massage settings so I of course hit power and started to enjoy my massage.  The chair was really strong and felt great.  Then it squeezed my butt and I thought to myself, oh that's nice!"  The next thing I know, one of the massage balls girated between my legs and was pushing into my vagina!!!  For real.  At first I was shocked and then I just started cracking up.  I (discretely) warned my sister who at this point was sitting down in the chair next to me and when her chair did the same thing to her she started cracking up too.  The chair did not stop.  It alternated between butt squeezing and fisting us in the puss for the entire time we got our toes done.  I feel really tempted to write a yelp review about the orgasmic pedicure chairs, ha ha!

Onto the shower!  We picked up my other sister and headed down town.  We got there right on time which was a miracle because traffic sucked ass.  It was just amazing.  Pretty much all the important women in my life were there and everyone was (is) just so excited and thrilled for us.  I believe everyone there knew how long it had taken us to conceive and what we had to do to make it happen and I think that made the atmosphere just that much more ecstatic and joyful.

Here are some shots of the party:

 My favorite donuts!  If you remember I had them the morning 
I took my pregnancy test and got my one and only BFP!

Mimosas!!!  I had three (just a splash of champagne in each one).


Grapes and veggies

The spread

The hazelnut cheesecake that my sister MADE!  It tasted 
even better than it looks if that were even possible!

My sister made this banner with my baby's name on it.....
(I guess this is when I reveal her full name) I cannot wait to hang it up in her room! 

See, there were people there but I'm trying to not post people's faces without them knowing...

My favorite game we played was matching all the guests to their
baby pics...I won!  I guessed 20 out of 25 correctly! 

The party favors for the guests.  Little white coffee mug and saucer with hazelnut 
tea, a Roche chocolate and two mini hazelnut biscotti that my sister made. 

Me opening up took about an hour and a half.  So many presents!

Me and my sister who through the shower.  I don't care if her face is on the internet, lol!

Out side on the balcony with all of the Aunties and both Grandmothers!  The girl on 
the far left is my SIL who flew from Minn. to be there and the woman in the yellow 
is my MIL who drove from Oregon.  The rest are my mom and sisters.

Me, wish I wasn't holding my cell phone...

Here are some pics of all the amazing gifts I received:

8 receiving blankets, 4 swaddling blankets and two super awesome crib sheets!

Nursing pads,  pumping accessories, g diapers, changing pad cover, full crib protector sheet and changing pad protectors.

Lotions, potions, shampoos, thermometer and pacifiers.

Food stuff

Swim gear!  I will never have to buy this kid a swim suite!

Tutu, fru fru stuff and cowgirl boots and a baby's first year calender. 

Cute clothes

My mom had the pack of onesies tie dyed from someone on etsy, she knit the leg warmers 
to match and my friend who helped throw the shower got her this super cute hat! 

 An old childhood friend made this amazing quilt by hand...I just cant even believe that
people know how to do this and someone did this just for MY baby!  I'm in awe. 

Shoes!!!  The bottom ones are made of felt and came all the way from Nepal!

I don't have pictures but you will see when I do the baby room reveal (happening soon I promise!) that we also got a perfect glider and ottoman, two baby gates and a diaper genie with another shampoo and g diaper.  My mother also sent us a Peter Rabbit baby book and a few of the tiny Peter Rabbit books along with a stuffed Jemima Puddle Duck that is freaking adorable!  I also received a couple of gift cards so on Sunday I went to target and picked up the sound spa, a grooming kit, baby hangers, a coat hook thing to hang in Hazy's room, baby wipes, a regular thermometer and probably other stuff that I am forgetting. 

All of this on top of all the maternity clothes, baby clothes and other huge baby items that people just gave us for free.  We have been royally spoiled rotten!  

There are a few items that we need to purchase....we plan on getting a used Bob running stroller off of craigslist and I want the car seat attachment to go with it.  We also are going to buy an Ergo baby carrier off of one of my friends.  I need to buy a few more med/lg sized g diapers and that pretty much does it!  

I have nine more weeks until my due date....NINE!  Is this shit for real?

Monday, May 12, 2014

30 week Anatomy Scan...

Quick update.  We had our follow up scan on Fri afternoon.  In a nutshell Hazy is perfect... just small.  She is still under the 10th percentile, 6th to be exact but everything is perfect.

Her brain is perfect, her heart is perfect, her organs are perfect.  The umbilical blood flow is perfect, the placenta is perfect.

She was moving around the whole US (its amazing I can't feel most of her movements but is also reassuring...) and the Dr. kept remarking how healthy and happy she is.

Because she falls under the 10th percentile she is labeled as having IUGR, intra uterine growth restriction.  I personally think that's bullshit because she IS growing and there IS NO growth restriction!!!  The umbilical cord and placenta are normal and she has grown appropriately since the last scan she is just in the same percentile, she's just going to be petite.

I am small (under normal circumstances... right now I am obeese), B is small (he would protest and say average but he is only 5'8"), both my grandmothers who I take after were midgets!!!  Not literally but you get my point.  I come from small people and now I'm making a small person.

The true stress right now is the Dr. who did the scan suggested we come back in 6 weeks to check on her again.  He very briefly mentioned that there was the small chance we would discuss whether or not the baby is better off outside the womb and induce but he felt confident that wouldn't be the case.

What a crock of shit.

I'm not doing that.  I am done with any further testing or scans.  I feel happy and comfortable with the information we have and I'm done trying to find something wrong.  I don't know what my midwife is going to say about my decision and that may be a make or break deal with her...I don't know.  If she is fine with my decision to do no more testing then great we don't have a problem.  If she disagrees with me then I am going to find a new midwife.  Find a new midwife potentially 7 weeks from full term...I am not freaking out.


Actually, I'm not but B is.  First we need to not jump to conclusions about our midwife's stance.  Second if the worst case scenario happens I feel like it will be OK.  There are a lot of midwives in this area and I know I can find one that matches what I'm wanting in a birth/labor provider.  Now, find one that takes our insurance?  That's another stress but if we have to pay out of pocket for the experience and care that I want then so be it.

Tomorrow is the fucking 3 hr glucose test.  I hate that I'm even doing it.  It makes me so pissed off.  I'm sucking it up in hopes of passing so I can for sure check that complication off the list to appease my midwife and cross my fingers that if I pass she will be ok to not do any more interfering medical testing.  This is why I chose a midwife in the first place!  If I wanted all the tests and machines I would have gone with an OB and hospital birth.  That's not what I wanted.

Sigh,  Things could be worse right?

Friday, May 9, 2014

It's 4am...time for a shit and a warm cup of milk

Yep.  That's my life now.

Sometime around 3-4am I wake while flipping over to my other side and try to get comfortable.

Except I can't.  I have to pee.

So after trying to will it away for 5 min I give in and haul my fat ass out of bed and stumble to the bathroom.  I don't turn on any lights, I don't flush the toilet.  I try to stay half asleep and get back in bed before I know I'm awake and walking around.

Back in bed I get comfortable but I just can't fall back asleep.  My brain is on.  I think about stupid things that require no analytical dissection and yet I do it anyway.  For 30 min, an hour, sometimes longer.

Then I feel it.  I'm hungry.  Now there's no way I will be able to sleep, I have to eat something!

So after trying to ignore the grumbling stomach for 10 min, I relent and haul my fat ass out of bed yet again and stumble in the dark to the kitchen.

I pour milk into a coffee mug and put it in the microwave for 1 min.

While waiting for the microwave to beep I realize I have another urge...nature calls.  I have to poop and at this point I welcome any and all bowl movements joyously.

After successfully taking care of business I collect my warm mug of milk.  I take the mug back to bed, still in the dark, and climb back into my pillow fortress to pretend I'm sleeping while I drink the milk.

As soon as I've drained the last drop I make myself comfortable and try again to fall the fuck to sleep.

Aaand I can't.  Still wide awake.

Then B's alarm goes off because he is going into work early so I can pick him up in the afternoon in time for us to go to our US and see how Hazy has grown.

I am awake the whole 45 min it takes him to get ready and let the dogs out into the yard and then tuck them back into bed.  Then he leaves.
I'm still awake.  Sometime around 6am I fall asleep until my alarm goes off at 6:40.  I manage to easily fall back asleep several times between hitting snooze until I can't stall any longer and I haul my fat ass out of bad to greet the glorious day at 7:15am.

Surprisingly nature calls again and I successfully accomplish poop#2 of the morning.  I pat myself on the back for a job well done.

After dressing myself, feeding the pups and letting them out one last time I leave for work.
What were you guys doing at 4am?  Oh, sleeping?  Fuck you.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Well, fuck.

This is going to be a quick post.  Last Thursday at my midwife appt. I did the 1 hr gestational diabetes test.  I didn't really want to do it in the first place but my midwife talked me into it with a list of reasons why it was important to know because of health risks to the baby.  So I did it.  And then on Monday I found out I failed it.  Passing cutoff is 139 and I scored a 155.  So my midwife wants me to do the follow up 3 hr test. 

I don't want to.  There are many, many reasons why I don't want to.  I wont go into all of them but I do think the test is flawed and the chances of me actually having GD and there being health risks to the baby are so low I don't feel like it's worth doing. 

The shitty thing is that now that I failed the first one my choices are take the 3 hr test and cross my fingers that I pass or find a new midwife who is comfortable with me declining the 3 hr test and follow the GD diet AND test my blood sugar 4X a day.  Obviously they have me cornered.  The easiest option is to just take the 3 hr test and hope I pass and this all goes away. 

However now I have a bad taste in my mouth.  I am bitter and frankly angry that midwives/Dr.s can manipulate you into compliance whenever they feel like it by simply uttering the tag line "it puts your baby at risk".  Who wants to be told they are a shitty mother before the baby is even born?  I feel like they are not giving me a choice.  I suppose I could call around and see if there is a midwife out there who has no problem with me skipping the 3 hr test but if they also want me to prick my finger 4X a day is it really worth it after I feel like I have already gotten comfortable with my current midwife?  I don't think so. 

So I have been bullied into taking the damn 3 hr test on Tues.  I know that the majority of women who fail the first test go on to pass the second.  My midwife said only 4-8% of women fail the 3 hr test.  If I do fail the 3 hr we will try to control it with diet and exercise (which I am already basically doing) and if it's managed then I can still have a home birth.  My midwife said in 8 years she has only had to transfer 2 women to OB care. 

The other really frustrating news is I got my iron levels checked and they are lower than the last time despite religiously taking my iron supplements!  How the fuck is that even possible?  Don't explain it to me, I don't care.  I was already anemic to start with so my midwife cautioned that we need to get them up to higher levels or my home birth might be jeopardized.  Double fuck. 

My thyroid results came back normal so at least there's that. 

We have our 30 week anatomy scan scheduled for this Friday.  If we don't get good news there I am preparing for a full on melt down.  Please, please let Hazy have had a growth spurt!  Even if she hasn't moved in percentiles at least let her be the same but just bigger all around.  I have been obsessively doubling my protein intake every day and last week at my midwife appt. I was measuring 2 weeks ahead so I am really crossing my fingers that means she has grown. 

I hope we get some good pictures of her which of course I will share with you!  Hope everyone else is having a better week than I am so far!  

Sunday, April 27, 2014

3rd Trimester

Hello again lovelies!  So do I have anything exciting to share with you?  Anything non-baby related?  Ummm, no I do not.  Well not really.  I am planning my sister's Bachelorette party which will take place at the end of June.  She has been planning my baby shower and I'm planning her Bachelorette party so we have been spending a lot of time texting each other on food and liquor preferences and what kind of games/activities we both want to happen at our events.

Our texts go something like this:
Her: Ok, we are going to have a mimosa bar and how do you feel about the game where you put different chocolate bars in diapers and melt them in the microwave so it looks like different poops?
Me: Eww, we are not doing that.  I am thinking we will drink Palomas at your party.  Do you want a caucasian penis and balls on your cake or black ones? 

I am having a fun time planning her party.  We are going to start at my house with food, cocktails and a few fun games.  I will have the house appropriately decked out in balls and penises.  We are going to have a penis sculpting contest out of pink playdough and pair off into teams to create toilet paper wedding dress masterpieces....or maybe we will all just collaborate on a toilet paper wedding dress on my sister.  Undecided.

I cant let everyone (my sisters specifically) get drunk because we are going to go take a two hour pole dance/strip tease class!!!  I can't tell you how excited I am for this.  I will be 37 weeks pregnant at that point so I wont really be able to do any cool tricks on the pole but I plan on doing my damnedest to be a sexy beast anyway.  The studio specifically states that if you appear intoxicated they will not let you participate in the class so I will have to keep the prefunking under control.  It will be a challenge.

After the class we will get glammed up and find a restaurant that serves liquor to get properly lubricated for what comes next....the male strip club!!!!  We have to find a restaurant because my youngest sister just turned 18 so bars are out for her.  They don't serve liquor in strip clubs in this state so she can come to the club with us....we just have to find alcohol somewhere beforehand!  As far as I can tell from my internet research there is only one male strip club in town and although it is located in a really boring part of the city as far as restaurants and bars go it just so happens to be only 10 blocks from the pole dance studio.  I am hoping I can find a decent enough restaurant in between the two places and we can just walk from one place to the next.  I'm bummed it's not in a more exciting spot in the city....if we were going to a girl strip club we could just go downtown and have lot's of options but my sis wants to see some shlongs and I fully support that! 

Alright, it's unavoidable.  I'm gonna talk about baby shit now.  I am 28 weeks today.  I still feel pretty good despite on and off insomnia and getting sick last week.  I was pissed because I hadn't been sick my entire pregnancy.  When I say sick I only mean I got a cold.  Still haven't thrown up once!  Thank god cause for some reason I made a bet with one of my sisters that I wouldn't throw up, she bet I would.  The winner gets to bitch slap the loser after the baby is born.  What's wrong with us?

Anyway the new pregnancy development is I am experiencing swollen ankles and feet.  And my feet hurt.  Especially the foot I broke 1 year ago.  It feels like I keep straining the arch of my foot every time I take a step.  This morning I got up and went to work.  I only taught one hr long class where I just walked around a room talking them through the exercises.  I met my friend to walk around the lake and when I went to put my sneakers on I noticed that my ankles and feet were really swollen!  I hadn't noticed at all when I was getting ready for work.  I don't know if I woke up like that or if just teaching for an hr made them swell.  Luckily I already had scheduled a prenatal massage for this afternoon and the masseuse worked a lot on my legs and got the swelling to go down dramatically!  That shit is expensive though!  I wish B was more generous with massaging me but he hates it and begging him for a 5 minute lackluster massage comes with a lot of complaining, whining and general grumpiness.  I told him he has to pay for the next massage I get.  I need to try to put my feet up more but that's hard with what I do for work.  I can't just sit on my ass all day when I'm with the kids and I certainly can't sit on my ass when I'm teaching dance or pilates.  Maybe I can in June when I'm a lot closer to my due date but I feel like it's too early to cop out now.

I am still getting baby stuff from people and going through it all.  70% I can immediately eliminate and take to good will.  The remainder I wash and organize into sizes.  Anything 6 months and under goes in Hazy's room and anything older than that goes in a giant tupperware bin in the basement.  Last week B's brother and dad drove from Minn. with a truck load of my nephews' baby stuff.  My friend who had a little girl in Jan. gave me another couple bags of baby clothes and maternity clothes.

I cleaned out Hazy's closet and put up curtain rods with drapery rings to hang up all her shoes and booties.  It looks so cute!  I bought a cheap mirror from target that I plan on hanging above her bookshelf.  I also found a cubbie shelf with hooks that is the same color we painted her accent wall that I want to hang right above her dresser/changing station to put diapers, wipes etc.  B is finally going to sand and paint her bookshelf tomorrow.  Once we get the cubbie shelf and hang it, hang the mirror and the bookshelf is done, the room will be pretty much finished!  Then I will post the before and after pictures that I know you are all holding your breath waiting to see!  My goal is to have it finished before my baby shower and I am confident we will make it happen!

I cannot believe today is the beginning of the 3rd trimester.  I am already starting to feel sad that in a short 10-14 weeks I wont be pregnant!!!  Obviously I cannot wait to see my sweet baby and hold her but I have truly enjoyed being pregnant and I will miss it.  I feel like from the moment I saw those two lines there has been an overwhelming sense of excitement and anticipation.  I love having a belly and feeling her move inside me is always amazing and surreal.

You know how the anticipation of Christmas or your wedding was in many ways more enjoyable and better than the actual event?  That's how I feel about being pregnant.  Imagining Hazy's arrival and what are lives together will be like is likely a much nicer fantasy than the reality...right now it's all sweet smelling babe sleeping peacefully strapped to my chest while B, the dogs and I take a summer evening walk through our neighborhood.  The harsh reality is a little bit more like fussy, gassy baby wont stop crying while B tries to catch up on all the shit and spit up upon laundry and I am sleep deprived and depressed about my saggy stomach and cellulite legs.

I have had a lot of experience with newborns and they are all different.  Some are great sleepers and hardly fuss at all.  Some are cranky all the time and refuse to let you put them down for two seconds.  Some have no problem breast feeding or taking a bottle and are great eaters.  Some can not figure out how to do it and are gassy and uncomfortable and spit up everywhere all the time.  It's a crap shoot.  Who knows what we are in for.  I hope the reality lives up to my imagination but I can't control that and for now I am trying to enjoy the fantasy of Hazy as much as I possibly can.

We get to see her again on May 9th.  We will have our 30 week anatomy scan, the follow up to our 22 week scan to make sure her growth has progressed appropriately.  I have been good at getting close to 100 grams of protein a day so she better have grown!  I am excited to see her little face again.  I hope she looks exactly how she did last time...only more cooked would be good!  She was just so cute the first time!  I hope she still has the same little pouty mouth she had in one of her pictures.  I can't wait to kiss those pouty lips!

I still don't have hemorrhoids or stretch marks, yay!  There's still plenty of time left for that though.  I haven't noticed any leaking nips...I'm waiting for something to happen in that area though.   I have been meaning to look into foods/herbs that help with milk production.  I have been so busy trying to get my protein and veggies I just haven't had time.  I started making some really delicious smoothies that I wish I had been making the whole pregnancy.  I have discovered a couple of combos that include non-fat Greek yoghurt and as much spinach as you would put in a good sized salad.  You blend it in a blender and the spinach just disappears and you cant taste it at all!  It's amazing.  I can get 23 grams of protein and at least two servings of dark leafy greens (with iron which I need) in one large smoothie.  And it tastes so fucking good!

Ok, I guess that's all I can think to write about for now.  I am going to update my belly pic page soon.  Sadly I totally never got around to doing a 26 week photo so I will post a 27 and 28 week one.  See ya!

Thursday, April 17, 2014

26 weeks and 4 days...

Update time.  We had our midwife appt. last Sat. morning.  It was a good one.  B was able to come with me, he had to miss the last three because they were scheduled in the middle of the day.  I had a long list of topics to cover so I felt very proactive and informed from all my birth book reading.  The main topics we discussed were the fact that we are for sure now doing a home birth and we went over our anatomy scan results with our midwife.

Home birth is a go.  We are ready for it.  And excited!  Even B is now 100% excited to do it at home.  We are going to rent a birthing tub and get the service where they set it up and then come back after the baby is born to drain the water (can you imagine a more disgusting job?), I'll be hiding in my bedroom when they come to do the clean up!

Ok, let's talk anatomy scan.  We were really curious to get our midwife's point of view regarding the baby's size and whether or not she would want us to do a 30 week US to check on Hazy's growth progress.  Well, the short answer is she does.  She isn't overly concerned but thinks its a good idea to make sure that Hazy continues to grow, especially since I've been cramming extra protein into my body.  She went over the measurements with us and basically it's her abdomen and femur measurements that are cause for a second look.  Poor baby's femurs measure in the 6th percentile!  I'm only 5'2" and B is 5'8" so I don't think it's shocking but I feel bad for passing on our shitty, short legged genes.  My belly was measuring at 27 weeks and I was just turning 26 weeks so hopefully that means the protein is working and she/we have had a growth spurt.

We have a 30 week US scheduled for May 9th with the same Dr. we had before.  I am nervous that they will find a reason to order me to have another US at 36 or 37 weeks and then discover some reason they think she's better off outside of the womb and will demand I be induced which is just a slippery slope to hospital C section territory!   On the bright side it will be nice to get more pictures of her at the very least!

B asked our midwife if he can catch the baby and she of course was really into it.  He is very cute about it.  He decided on his own that he wants to but is also OK if things don't work out that way...I might not be able to let go of him!!

Last weekend I went to my parents house (about 3 hrs from where we live) and briefly visited with my family.  My mom and I went through all the baby clothes she held onto for 30 years.  Unbelievable how much stuff she kept!  I brought about half of it home although I'll probably only use about half of that.

I drove out there on Sat and the whole day Hazy was super active!  She didn't stop moving all day long.  She was kicking me so strongly.  My youngest sister got to feel her kick several times and so did my mom.  She was really putting on a show!  The last few days she gone back to being really quiet.  I feel her at least a couple times a day but sometimes very drives me crazy that she's not more consistent!!!

While I was gone B painted our bathroom after all the construction that happened last week on the caved in ceiling and he painted the one wall in the baby's room.  Right before I left we got a giant box in the was the glider I put on our registry!  B had it all put together when I got back from my parents and I'm so happy with it.  Hazy's room is very small so I was worried it would be too big.  I also was worried if we had chosen the right color, we picked the green glider but I was worried it would be off from the green wall paint and would clash.  We got lucky.  The glider is the perfect size and the color is actually a lighter shade than online which ends up being a perfect match with the freshly painted wall!  So her room is slowly coming together.  The bathroom looks great too, amazing what a new coat of paint can do to spruce up a room!  Makes me want to do the whole house....

I have a new obsession... buying baby clothes off eBay.  It's bad.  I bought 10 items in 48 hrs.  There are some ridiculous deals out there!  I really am spending a fraction of what it would cost at the store and some of the items still have tags on them!  The next project is clearing out her closet and organizing all her clothes.  For now I am leaving the clothes laid out in piles in her crib so I can go in at least once a day and fondle them...its not weird!

I paid my taxes and got it all in the mail on the 15th.  Why I wait til the last second is a mystery.  But that's done until next year, thank god.  I'm so hoping that next year since we get to file with a dependant we might actually get some money back...or at least break even!

OK, I guess that's it.  I can't think of anything else thats happening around here.  Its basically eat protein, drink water, feel guilty I'm not working out more often, buy baby stuff, clean out drawers and closets, obsess over how much the baby is or isn't moving, remember to eat more salads and take my vitamins and supplements, check repeatedly for stretch marks etc, etc, etc.  Let me tell you, it's wild and crazy times over here...

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Proof that once infertile, always infertile

Last night right before bed I checked my Facebook on my phone and gasped in shock.  One of our friends had posted an US pic of a pretty well developed baby and announced that their almost two year old son is going to be a big brother.

Now these are not super close friends of ours but they have been in our larger circle of friends for over 10 years.  We had already been TTC for a year when they got pregnant with their first.  I remember asking my friend how long they had been trying and she said "oh a month!"  I guess a side note should be that this friend has epilepsy very badly and is on a lot of serious meds to keep her functional on a daily basis.  Meds she had to continue to take throughout her pregnancy.  She had a gorgeous baby boy who is very healthy...thank goodness!  It just always made it sting so much more comparing my health to hers and not understanding how it was all adding up.

I realized as I let the Facebook announcement sink in that even though I am pregnant and (fingers crossed) will be holding my baby girl in July or August I was still jealous...and bitter...and angry.  How can I feel these things at the same time I'm feeling my sweet babe kicking the shit out of my insides?  (I had Thai food and damn, that girl LOVED it! ).

I am jealous that they can conceive so easily.  I'm bitter they already have a toddler and are well on their way to number two.  I am angry that they are having a baby two months after me and my long awaited baby only gets two months of attention before the newest member of the group arrives.  I hate that I can't just be happy and excited for them!  I am happy for them but all those old feelings are still there....I felt almost the same emotions as all the times I endured pregnancy announcements in the over 3 years we were trying and failing miserably.  I didn't start bawling.  But it was like ripping a bandaid off a still raw wound.  Will it just always be like this?

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Are you really still reading my blog?

Well, I have very little to say..and that's good right?  I am 25 weeks today.  Everyone keeps asking me how I feel, probably because my belly is getting more gigantic everyday.  I went to a baby shower last Sunday for a woman who is 34 weeks pregnant and I swear I was almost as big as her!  I kinda felt like I was that douche wearing white at someone elses wedding.

I have very little to complain about.  I don't have stretch marks (yet), I don't have hemorrhoids (yet), my breasts feel pretty much back to normal, I'm sleeping fairly well at night, I have energy during the day, I am not excessively emotional or moody and even my weight gain has slowed (thank god).  It's so strange to me that for a feat that was so difficult to get started, once it finally did its been so mild and easy.  OK, you can totally punch me in the vagina right now, I realize that's the last thing some of you want to hear but I'm just trying to be honest.  Getting pregnant sucked balls big time but being pregnant is apparently something I do incredibly well.  Who knew?

I have had a couple Pilates sessions with my Doula so far and its been good to get to talk with her and get to know her more.  I told her that I'm writing in my birth plan that I'm giving birth fully clothed because I'm so embarrassed at how much cellulite is now covering my thighs and ass.  I guess I'll take the cellulite over stretch marks but wow, it's a dimple masterpiece down there.  I was looking at my belly pics and realized that there's a giant difference in the size of my ass from the first picture at week 6 to the last one I just posted at week 24...GIANT difference.  I have been trying to take a 3 mile walk around this beautiful lake several times a week with the baby I nanny.  The weather still gets in the way though. On Friday I chose to skip the walk and eat a donut instead.  Sigh.

So the latest news is that we found out that the birthing center that we were interested in using is out of our insurance's net work.  We have out of net work coverage but the deductible is so insanely high we will never meet it.  That means that if we want to have the baby at the birth center we have to pay 3K out of pocket.  That means that we are having a home birth!  I am actually super excited about it.  My four sisters were born at home so it feels normal and comfortable to me.  B was nervous and uncomfortable with the idea which is why we were looking into a birthing center but he has warmed up to it over the last several months and there is no way he wants to cough up the 3K just to have a home birth not at home!!!  Basically we are too poor to not have a home birth.  My only issue is that our dogs don't drive everyone crazy.  I guess everyone will have to deal.

On Tuesday we have a midwife appt.  B gets to go to this one because I was able to schedule it in the evening after he gets off work.  He hasn't gotten to go to them since the first one.  I feel like every time I have an appt. I have nothing to talk about.  Well this time I have a list of questions to ask about.  A long list!  This is also our first appt. since the anatomy scan so it's a good one for B to attend because our midwife will go over all of it with us again.  I guess now we can add discussing what we need to do to prepare having the baby at our house, yikes!  

My sister is getting my invites ready to send out for my baby shower.  I'm super excited about it!  It won't happen without it's fair share of family drama (my mother wants to help plan but my sister doesn't want to pick up the phone and call her so my mom is feeling left out and hurt) but if need be I will throw a "I'm pregnant and everything needs to go MY way!" tantrum.  Since the invites are going out I had to sit down and finish up my baby registry.  I spent a couple hours doing that yesterday.  Most of the items are small odds and ends but there's sooooo many of them!  Thinking about all that stuff coming into the house and needing to find space is totally overwhelming. 

I just did a rough draft of our taxes.  Yeah, I'm aware that it's April 6th.  I am a huge procrastinator.  Especially when I know it's gonna be bad news.  This year we owe just over 2K.  Fuuuuuuuuuuck.  Although I am finally an employee at all my jobs (I was an independent contractor for many years), two of them don't take out federal income tax and another one I'm filed as a 1 when I should be filed as a 0.  I want to cry.  Basically all I have in my Maternity leave savings account that I've been working on is 2K so now I have no money for Maternity leave.  I knew this was coming and I was expecting it but it's still a blow.  B is taking it remarkably well this year.  Every year even though we know we will owe he freaks out when he finds out how much but this time he has already moved on.  He said we have bigger stuff going on so we just need to pay it and focus on everything else.

Our bathroom ceiling was about to cave in on our heads due to a slow leak from the fan vent.  Our landlord has spent the last 4 mornings in our bathroom doing the repairs.  As we only have the one bathroom this seriously puts a wrench in my pooping schedule.  It stresses me out.  He came over again today and will be back on Tues.  I am praying he is done by the middle of the week.  Because of the ceiling needing to be repainted when it's all repaired we are also going to repaint the whole bathroom.  Not something we really needed to add to our list of preparations before baby but I guess it will be nice to have it look a little brighter/cleaner.  B is going to do all the painting while I go visit my mom and dad next weekend.  My mom is thrilled to have me come visit and go through all the baby clothes she has pulled out of the attic for Hazy.

I'm sorry everything I have to write about is basically baby related.  I assume that anyone who is bothered by it has checked out long ago.  And that is totally fine, I get it.  I remember very clearly when I first started reading IF blogs that I avoided any blogs where the blogger was already pregnant or already had a baby.  It was too painful and I couldn't share the joy with that person.  I was only able to relate to the women still deep in the pit of despair and misery.  That's what I needed to read to feel like I wasn't alone in this shit storm.  Once a blogger got pregnant after I got to know a her and felt like I was a witness to her IF struggle I was happy for her (it of course still stung) and able to continue following her journey.  But I am sure there are plenty of women who cant do that.  I just feel bad only writing about baby stuff but honestly I'm not doing a whole lot in my life except being pregnant and preparing to have this baby join our family.  I wish I had fabulous things to write about like amazing vacations and crazy nights out on the town or something but none of that is happening over here.  Just a whole lot of paying Uncle Sam my maternity leave savings and washing other people's used baby clothes.  Anyway, if you are still following along listening to my ramblings, know that I appreciate it!

On our beach trip last was COLD but it didn't rain the whole time!

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Girl Sout cookies are laced with crack.

Hey peeps.  Nothing very exciting happening here.  I am 23 weeks tomorrow which means only 1 more week until viability!  It's a somewhat reassuring milestone but of course I hope she stays in there until at least July.  My midwives wont deliver her if she comes before June 29th so I have that date as my goal beat.

So at 23 weeks pregnant that means I only have 17 more weeks to go before my due date.....WTF?!  It's weird to get to the point where instead of counting up and wanting the number to get larger I am now counting down and getting excited/terrified with how short of a time we have left.  I am actually not terrified....more like in denial.  When I imagine how our lives will be with baby Hazy it is just too abstract.  It feels surreal still.  I thought seeing her face and getting confirmation that she is healthy would solidify things but it just makes it harder to wrap my head around it.  I mean, seriously?  THAT little baby with THAT face is inside my right now?  ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS??? 

I still feel like I am a crazy lady who was so desperate for a baby I convinced myself and everyone around me that I am pregnant but really I've just been getting fat by eating all those damn Girl Scout cookies.  For real, I bought 13 boxes.  I think they are laced with crack.  I just read an article on yahoo news about a Canadian woman who faked that she was expecting quints.  Supposedly her boyfriend was even fooled.  There's a picture of them in their nursery with 5 cribs crammed in there.  She was only discovered to be a fraud (a seriously mentally ill fraud) when her "water broke", she was "lactating" and they went into the hospital to deliver!  I'm pretty sure I would have been found out at my anatomy scan last week but still I can't shake the feeling that I'm a fraud masquerading as a pregnant women.

Moving on.  Hazy has made her presence known a little bit more in the last week and a half.  Mostly on Thursday nights for some reason.  Last Thursday B felt a good kick!  Two nights ago she had some part of her body pushing outward and you could feel it from the outside of my belly.  It was pretty cool to touch it and know I was touching my baby girl.

We continue with our "cleaning out of everything we own before baby comes" project.   Last week we removed 5 bags of books from our house and donated to them to Good Will along with a bunch of shoes and clothes from cleaning out our closets.  We still have many other closets to clean out and today we tackle the basement.

We also picked out wall paint for Hazy's room.  It was a fight.  Don't ever marry an artist if you ever want to have any say over what shade of paint you use in your house.  Jesus.  I literally had to listen to B lecture me on how the shade of green I wanted was "too cool of a tone" to match the other paint in that room.  If it wasn't for the two nerdy paint store workers politely trying to ignore our marital spat I would have strangled him.  I only get physically abusive when there are no witnesses.  Just kidding.  We eventually brought a bunch of paint strips home, put them on the wall and miraculously came to agree on "springtime green".  We haven't actually painted yet but we will in a couple of weekends.

Next weekend we are going to the beach!  Yes, in the PNW, in the very beginning of spring.  It will be cold, windy, rainy...everything you want for a 3 day beach trip.  It will just be nice to have a 3 day weekend and be able to spend time together with the dogs.  B's dad and his dad's girlfriend are going to meet us there with their dogs.  It should be relaxing and fun.  Even if we are stuck inside the whole time.  I admit I am excited to take some pregnant beach shots.  The only photos I have of my pregnancy are the belly pics that I am only posting on this blog.  We haven't been taking any photos because we weren't completely public about the pregnancy until last weekend. 

In other non baby related news, I took my dog to the vet and while I was signing us in she promptly took a giant shit all over their entry way mat.  I didn't notice until I had already turned around and stepped in it.  Thanks Ruby. 

Ps. I posted my belly pic from last week if you want to see it.  

Friday, March 14, 2014

I kept my pants on!!!

It felt like today was never going to arrive.  It finally did.  I felt like I was waiting for Christmas.  I was so excited but so nervous and anxious.  Would we get good news?  Bad news?  Was she going to hide her face so we wouldn't get a good look at her?  Would I leave elated or devastated?  These were some of the thoughts that continuously cycled through my head for the last several days weeks. 

First let me start by saying that last weekend B was pretty sure he felt Hazy move when he had his hand on my belly!  I have been feeling little popping sensations more regularly although not quite as often as I would like.  It feels like a bubble popping.  Then just last night B felt a good strong pop, it was exciting.  I have also been feeling her rippling across my belly a little.  It has been reassuring to say the least. 

So today finally came and I picked up B at 2pm to head across the water (floating bridge) to go to some high tech maternal fetal medicine place.  I was nervous but I didn't feel sick to my stomach like I did getting my early USs.  While waiting in the waiting room we killed time by posting a funny pic on FB of B comically reading American Baby magazine in the waiting room.  We still hadn't made an announcement on FB at that point (more on this topic later) and I didn't caption it, I just posted the picture.  In the fever pitch moment of our nervous excitement we thought we were hilarious. 

I had to pee 2 times while we waited for our appointment and then we were finally called back to the US room.  At first I was turned off by our US/Dr. guy but thank god by the end I was kind of in love with him.  He started off by being too smooth and smarmy.  He asked us if we wanted to know the gender and when we said we already knew he wanted to know how.  We told him about the Panorama genetic test and he started questioning why we got it because I am considered young for it.  I explained that our fertility clinic had a deal with Panorama so it was affordable and offered the gender results which is what we wanted.  We finally got off that topic and he asked if we knew about when we conceived.  When I said we knew EXACTY when we conceived because we did an IUI he was very dismissive and asked if we were sexually active at that time as well.  When I said yes of course he said his opinion/preference was to assume that the IUI was coincidental and that we conceived naturally.  Obviously I wanted to punch him in the scrotum.  I quickly blurted out that I highly doubted that considering we TCC'd for 3 1/2 years and only after our 6th MEDICATED IUI did we finally get our one and only BFP.  And then we both dropped it and moved on.

At about this point we saw our baby on the screen.  Fuck you guys, she is so effing adorable!  I know I'm totally biased but seriously I don't think a baby could be any cuter at this only half baked stage.  You judge.  And then just lie to me and tell me she's the most beautiful little babe you have ever seen.  Here she is. 

She has her arm tucked up by her head.  We think that's hair all over her head!!  What do you think?  We forgot to ask but we both think she has hair.  The Dr. commented that she looks just like B.  It does look like she has his giant forehead.  I am in love with her little nose and her lips.  Her left eye looks like it's bulging out of the socket but that's just the weird 3D imaging.  I hope. 

I of course immediately started crying.  The appointment actually went a lot faster than people told me.  I think it lasted maybe a 1/2 an hour.  The Dr. quickly scanned all the important bits and basically in a nut shell she looks perfect.  The only thing to worry about (of course there has to be something, right?) is that she is on the small side.  Like in the 10th percentile.  But you know what?  I am only 5'2" and B is only 5'8".  We both weigh normal, appropriate weights.  We always joke that we are a hobbit family.  I was under 7 lbs when I was born and B was about 7.5 lbs.  B asked if she continues to grow at this same pace what are we looking at and the Dr. said she would be about 7 lbs.  To me that seems perfect but to the Dr. he obviously wants her to weigh more than that.  We discussed getting enough protein especially since I'm a vegetarian and when I told him I was aiming to get 60 grams a day he told me that I need to be getting 100 grams!  100 grams!!!!  Sheeeiiiit.  (anyone seen The Wire?  Anyone?)  So I am not going to worry about her being petite.  I will try to get 100 grams of protein so there will be a sea of protein shakes in my future but I WILL.NOT.WORRY.  

Reasons why I changed my mind about the Dr. as the appointment went on:
1) He kept giving us wonderful news about all Hazy's parts.
2) He kept telling us that we seemed like very kind people and that our baby was very lucky.
3) He acknowledged how hard we had worked for this baby and how happy he was to share the experience of seeing her with us.  (as soon as he said this I knew I loved him)
4) He did not try to push me into eating meat but instead said that he ate a mostly vegetarian diet and talked to me about other ways to get protein.
5) He was overwhelmingly positive and reassuring throughout the scan. 

Okay, dinner is done and B wants company.  We are celebrating by eating frozen pizza.  Don't judge, one slice has 17 grams of protein, Dr.'s orders!!!