Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Biting The Bullet...

Okay, I am switching blog sites.  I truly hope you will follow me over to  I am feeling very insecure that no one will follow me anymore and I will just be blogging to myself, lol.  I guess if that happens that's will just be my online journal. 

I have been feeling like I intended to be anonymous but then I got to know so many wonderful women and I couldn't help sharing photos of myself and then once Hazy came I HAD to share pictures of her too.  I found myself in this strange limbo where you all know what I look like and what my child and husband look like and you know intimate details about me but not my real name.  It just got weird. 

One of the things about blogging in the infertility community that I really love is being a voice for someone else who is experiencing maybe some of the same things I went through.  When I first discovered where the *bleep* is our stork's blog I felt such a HUGE sense of excitement and relief!  I was literally drowning in my emotions of despair and anguish that NOBODY in my life understood.  It was slowing killing me.  To find out that there were other women who were going through the same shit as me (I knew there were I just didn't know a way to connect to them) was literally a game changer.  I was able to redirect my anger and disappointment into blogging and keeping up with all of you lovelies.  It made me feel like I wasn't alone.  So I am feeling sad that moving my blog to a site with password protection will prevent random other women from finding me and following along.  But I want to be open and honest and I want to be able to post pictures freely and talk shit about my family and friends if I feel like I need too ;) 

My plan is to leave this site here for people to read my infertility journey.  I deleted all the posts I've made since Hazy and transferred them to the wordpress site.  If someone comes along and wants to follow me over at the wordpress site then they can send me an email and I will decide if I feel comfortable giving them the pass word.

So let's recap:

IF YOU HAVE BEEN FOLLOWING MY BLOG AND WANT TO CONTINUE, please send me an email to OR leave your email in the comments below and I will send it to you.

IF YOU HAVE JUST ONLY NOW DISCOVERED MY BLOG AND HOW AWESOME IT IS AND WILL DIE IF YOU CAN'T READ MORE,  then leave a comment with your email and I will check you out (if you have a blog where I can go snoop) You can also send me an email at

I will not be password protecting every single post on the new site but probably most of them because I like sharing pictures and I don't want those available to just any one and every one. 

I guess we'll see how this goes!

Saturday, January 3, 2015


Tonight I created a wordpress blog....I think I'm going to be switching over there.  I think?  Is this just going to create problems and I will lose the few readers I have???  All I really want to do is password protect my posts....I feel like I've been too casual in posting pics and giving out personal information.  Any of ya'll that have switched to a different blog site please tell me did you loose readers?  Did you have regrets?  How did you do it to make a smooth transition?  How do new readers find your blog and gain access?  What should I do?  Starting off the new year feeling indecisive....

Saturday, August 2, 2014

She is here!!!

This will be short...not because I have my hands full with a newborn but because the power has been out all day and I'm posting from my phone which is on its last fumes before it runs out of batteries...and I've got my hands full with a newborn!

My Hazy arrived on Thurs morning at 7:48.  I had the home birth that I wanted and she was born in the water.  There were no complications and everything went as perfectly as I could have hoped for.  I still am in disbelief.

Hazy weighed 7.7lbs and is 19 1/2 in long with a gorgeous full head of hair.  True to form she was a very mellow, lazy Hazy when she emerged.  Very alert but we had to irritate her to get her to cry so she could pink up.

We are working on breastfeeding which is fucking really hard.  We were up the entire night last night and she (both of us) was very upset.  I think things are getting better today and I'm praying my milk comes in ASAP!

Full birth story and shit tons of photos to follow...I'll try to make it sooner than later I promise!

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Still pregnant over here...did I trick you?

You all thought I hve been quiet because surely by now I had gone into labor and had a baby, right?  Well don't you feel stupid!!!  I'm STILL pregnant!  I am now 6 days overdue and there are no signs that labor is even close to happening. 

The weather has drastically cooled down which has made things so much easier for me.  I feel about the same as I did two months ago...I'm not super uncomfortable and am able to just do my daily routine like normal.  I have been feeling some braxton hicks off and on but it's still really subtle. 

I had my last day of work last Friday (I managed to work all the way up to my due date!) and just hung out for my first week of maternity leave.  I did keep busy with jury duty one morning and inspecting a house. 

That's the most exciting news, we are buying a house!  We found one, toured it, put a bid in the same night we toured it and spent the next day negotiating with the sellers until they agreed to our offer!  We did an inspection a few days later and decided to go for it.  It's so exciting but also very overwhelming to think of the responsibility and money.  We are barely able to afford it.  We are going to be living a much tighter life style and if anything happens to us or our jobs we are fucked.  It's scary.  But thinking about raising our daughter there and having peace of mind that it's ours and we can be there for as long as we choose is so worth it.  I hope.  We close on Aug. 8th so we are aiming to move as soon as we get the main spaces painted....probably by Aug 15?  My sister's wedding is on Aug. 22 so I want to be moved and settled before then because we have family coming from out of town and I am excited to show off the new house.  And the new baby!!! 

We are just now starting to get really anxious to meet this little baby.  I was pretty certain she would be late so I'm not surprised we are still waiting but now I'm getting anxious for her to come on her own because I don't want to get induced or go so late I have to birth in the hospital.  We have time though.  I am going to acupuncture today and on Monday to try to get things started.  I have been drinking pineapple juice although it doesn't seem to be doing anything.  I am going to eat the pineapple core after acupuncture today.  I ate pineapple core the only time I ever got pregnant so maybe it will also help me go into labor.  We plan on walking a lot this weekend and we had sex last night and intend to get busy a few more times this weekend (and throughout the week if need be).  I have to say thought that sex is pretty boring because we are so limited in positions.  We are down to about two.  I am just too fat and uncomfortable for most of them to work.  It's not even my belly that's the problem half the time but my fat depressing. 

It seems like every day I don't have this baby I get about 5 more stretch marks.  I was doing so great until about 6 weeks ago and didn't have any stretch marks on my belly.  Now is a different story.  And those stretch marks itch!  Everyone kept asking me if my belly itched and I was always able to say no it really doesn't but let me tell you, it's the stretch marks that make it itch!

I was cleaning up the lady bits the other day in prep for labor (I've had anxiety about what should be going on down there) and while using a mirror because that is the only way to see what is happening in that region I realized that I may have a small hemorrhoid.  I'm not 100% sure but maybe.  Luckily I don't have any discomfort or itchiness so I'm just going to ignore it. 

Ok, I need to go to acupuncture so that's all for now.  I will definitely post as soon as anything starts to happen, or in a few days when I am still waiting for Hazy....

Thursday, July 10, 2014

10 days...

Since it's 10 pm already it's really like 9 days left but 10 days has a better ring to it, don't you think? 

10 days until my due date...I'm definitely a lot more freaked out than last time I wrote.  I feel like the SATs are looming and I haven't studied enough. 

My body is starting to fall apart so I am actually starting to welcome the thought of not being pregnant anymore.  I am still sad about not feeling Hazy move inside me anymore and I will miss my belly (my slightly less pregnant, more manageable belly I had 6 weeks ago) but my feet feel like I'm walking on two giant bruises.  Apparently the ONLY place on my body that doesn't have fat on it are the balls of my feet.  My knees feel like they are going to blow out every time I bend down due to all the added weight I've packed on.  I am also noticing that my sacrum and pubic bone feel vulnerable, like they just might separate with any little misstep.  My thighs have gotten so fat (and have multiple giant red tiger stripe stretch marks from crotch to knees) that they chaff together and get really sweaty.  When I sit my belly rests on top of my thighs and that gets really sweaty too.  My boobs have become giant sagging, uneven udders that rest heavily on my belly.  They get sweaty and I have developed a lovely heat rash underneath them.  I'm super sexy. 

It's been really hot here which normally I love with a passion.  I poo pooed everyone who commented that I would be miserable when summer came around.  It's hard to admit it but they were totally right.  The heat makes EVERYTHING so much harder.  I went through my 20 plus pairs of maternity jeans (all given to me 2nd hand) trying to find a pair to turn into cut offs (long knee length cut offs) and I almost cried because about 90% of them don't even fit me anymore. 

Okay enough complaining. 

My sister's bachelorette party was a success.  Thank goodness two of my other sisters helped me do some last minute planning and then helped me decorate and set up.  The pole dancing class was pretty awesome.  I really want to take another class after my abdominals have repaired themselves.  The strip club was sad and pathetic.  I can't believe that that is the best Seattle has to offer the ladies.  It shameful.  I still haven't gotten pictures from it but I will post some when I do.  I am relieved that it is over and happy that my sister had a good time. 

We have 2 more birth classes left.  The last one will be a repeat breast feeding class that we took early in case I go into labor before then.  There is only one couple due before us out of the whole class.  I am so curious to see if they show up next week.  A couple of weeks ago the instructor (The world famous Doula Penny Simkin) used a vagina puppet to demonstrate perineal was awesome!

The house hunt is still in full swing.  We have seen at least 35 houses in the last month.  It's amazing how many shitty houses are out there in the world.  Who designs these monsters?  We have had a couple of chances to bid on a house but have decided that for various reasons we wouldn't be happy long term with them so we have backed out before wasting our money on pre inspections.  We are just waiting to pounce on that magical house that has all the right elements in the right location.  So yeah, no house for us yet.  At least the shock of our situation has worn off and we have gotten used to this new reality. 

I have a doula appt tomorrow and will be forced to admit that we still haven't written our birth plan. 

Good news is I got a negative for group strep B so I don't have to be hooked up to IV antibiotics the whole labor!  Thank god.  My iron levels have slightly increased too so that's also great news.  I am still in the zone to proactively head off hemorrhaging with a pitocin shot in my thigh as soon as the baby comes out....I am thinking about it.  Since my numbers are up a little I am leaning towards skipping it and only doing the pitocin shot if I actually truly am bleeding too much.  I don't want to get a shot of pitocin unnecessarily if I'm not having any abnormal bleeding.  There's always something to stress over.  But my BP is really good still and I am measuring at 40 weeks already so my growth is perfect.  My midwife estimated on Tues that Hazy is about 7 lbs!  Remember all that bullshit about IUGR?  If I go two weeks late then she might be 8.5 lbs!  

I had my last night of teaching tonight.  I wont go back to teaching until Oct.  I am hoping to still nanny half days next week because I am soooooo broke.  I only saved a fraction of the money I was hoping to save for my 12 plus weeks of unpaid maternity leave.  I am super stressed out about it.  Hopefully my body holds up just one more week and Hazy doesn't come early.  Every hour I can squeeze in counts. 

Alright, I guess that's all there is to catch you up on.  Despite all the complaining and whining I really am excited to meet my baby girl.  It is bizarre to me that at the very most in 3 short weeks I will have a baby.  I will be a mom.  It's still so abstract. 

(ps. I posted a new belly pic on the belly pic page)

Monday, June 23, 2014

4 Weeks Left...

First off, am I the only one whose blog dashboard is only showing one post and then not loading anything else??  Seriously annoyed by that. 

So yesterday was officially 4 weeks til my due date.  Holy shit, you guys I can't believe it.  Like I really can't believe it.  I can't quite seem to wrap my head around the fact that the little wiggly being inside my belly is going to find her way out.  I don't feel prepared for that to happen to my body.  I haven't been nervous about the birth and I really still am not nervous simply because it just doesn't feel like it could really happen.  I have zero signs of it happening.  I haven't felt any Braxton Hicks in several months.  I haven't had leaking boobs.  I have had zero back/pelvic pain.  I am not waddling, I can still walk pretty much like a normal person.  I'm sure a lot can happen in the next 4 weeks but as of right now it feels like my body is not getting ready for the big vagina explosion.  Sorry, I like to refer to the birth as the vagina explosion to freak B out, ha ha!

I also can't believe that in several very short weeks I will not be pregnant and instead will have a little human that I am responsible for for the rest of my life!  I feel like it's been such an abstract idea for so so long and now that it's really going to happen I am just a little freaked out!  I just don't know how the reality of our plans will really work out.  Will our childcare plan to switch off between the two of us really work out the way we hope it will?  Will I be able to pump and will she be able to switch between breastfeeding and a bottle with out getting nipple confusion?  Will I really be able to integrate her into my nanny routine and be able to make that work?  Will B really be able to go to work at 5:30am, come home at 3pm and then deal with Hazy for another 6 hrs without me 3 days a week? 

I know that if we weren't dealing with all the house bullshit I would feel more prepared and settled.  I can't tell you how angry I am with our current land lords that they have fucked us like this.  I realize that giving us 6 months is a generous amount of time and I am truly grateful that we have that time on our side.  But I just can't forgive them for springing this on us right before our very first child is to arrive.  Not the time in your life when you want to be worried about where you are going to live.  I am so furious that for the last remaining weeks of my pregnancy (what might be my only pregnancy) instead of just enjoying my growing belly and focusing on getting mentally and emotionally prepared to meet my baby I am forced to have constant anxiety, worse insomnia than before, endless meetings with lenders and realtors, hours and hours searching for house listing on the internet and of course massive stress about money.  It's such bullshit. 

We made our first offer on a house that I really loved last Thursday.  We came in second so we lost.  The house wasn't the most amazing house in the world but I just could just picture us raising our family in it and the commute wouldn't have affected our lives very much at all.  I am still really bummed that the other people beat us by about 10K.  We even offered 10% over the asking price and then 10K beyond that.  The other people basically offered 15% over the asking price.  It is really frustrating how the market works here in Seattle.  It's super competitive and there are not very many houses in our price range that are in reasonable locations.  Basically if we are really stoked about a house you can bet there are at least 10 other people who are stoked on it and there will be a bidding war. 

We are all set with a realtor that we really like and we are meeting with another lender tonight to hopefully get all squared away with financing.  We started with one lender but then switched because this new guy can close super fast which makes any offer we make more desirable to the seller.  If the house is newly listed and we know there's competition then you have to pay for a pre inspection to make your offer more desirable too.  We paid $700 bucks last week for a pre inspection on the house we lost.  Wonderful.  Considering that we have been told to expect to lose the first 3-5 offers we make before we finally get a house, we can't blow $700 bucks every time we make an offer.  My new strategy is to look at houses that are about 25K out of our price range but have been on the market for over 60 days.  Obviously there isn't the same competition and we can make a lower offer that is in our price bracket.  If they agree to the offer then we pay for an inspection.  We'll see if my plan pays off.  Ugh, I am so sick of this already. 

We had our Doula come over on Friday evening and talked with her about what might help me in labor.  Basically I don't know.  I just have no idea what I will be feeling and what will make me more comfortable.  She really encouraged us to make a birth plan which we have been way too busy to really think about.  Later today I have an appointment with a naturopath who will hopefully become our family Dr and Hazy's pediatrician.  I hope I like her right away so I don't have to continue looking for someone else.  Tomorrow we have our first home visit with our midwife.  I am stressed about how she will react to my dogs.  They have a 5 minute freak out period when people come over.  They freak out when they hear someone at the door and then when the person enters the house they circle and sniff and jump up.  It's totally obnoxious and there's no way to get them to listen to commands because they are overcome with excitement.  It gives me anxiety. 

 I am hosting my sister's bachelorette party on Sat.  I spent last weekend shopping for penis paraphernalia.  We are kicking it off at my house and then going to a pole dance class and the male strip club.  I really hope it's fun and my sister has a good time.  I am feeling pretty distracted so I hope I can get my shit together and pull it off!  

Next weekend marks 37 weeks which means I am allowed to go into labor whenever and have a home birth!  So I just have to make it through the bachelorette party and the cost is clear, Hazy can arrive whenever she wants.  Oh. My. God.  The thought of her arriving in 7 days and everyone would be ok with it is mind boggling. 

How do I make this seem more real?

Ps. I posted a new belly pic...because I skipped my 34 week pic there is a month between the last two pics and wow, you can see a big difference!!!

Monday, June 16, 2014

Crazy Days...5 weeks to go!!!

Here's a quick an update.  We have thrown ourselves full gear into trying to buy a house.  We are crazy.  I can't even believe that as of two weeks and one day ago buying a house was something we were so sure we would never be able to do and was completely off our radar.  So strange how quickly things change....

Last week was a frantic panic of going to bank meetings and collecting all our paper work to get our pre approval letter for our home loan.  I think we really pulled our shit together as quickly as anybody possibly could have especially considering our work schedules and other commitments we have going on right now.  (Like birth class which I will get into later)  We met with one bank on Sat, another on Tues.  We filled out the paper work and collected all our documents on Wed. and then I went back to the bank and went through it all with them on Thurs.  We also squeezed in looking at a house we were interested in on Tues. (not the house for us).  We have been told by the bank that we will have our pre approval letter by the end of this week. 

Then this weekend we went to 4 open houses and fell in love with a house.  We were thinking because we didn't have our pre approval letter in hand that we wouldn't be able to bid on the house by the offer review date (Thurs) but it turns out that might not be the case.  B's aunt has a really good friend who is a realtor in our area and we talked with her several times on Sunday night.  She is all over it.  She is shopping our pre approval around to other lenders to see if we can get a better interest rate and she is meeting us at the house tonight to have a private tour and to give us her opinion on the property and neighborhood.  I am really interested to hear what she has to say about it.  She also set up a pre inspection that is going to get done on Wed. so if she tells us that it's a solid house for a good price then we will bid as much as we can and hope we are the more desirable buyers.  She said there has been a lot of interest in in the house (no wonder cause it's a sizable house with an amazing yard, in a decent location, for a good price) but no one else has done a pre inspection. 

B's parents are practically forcing us to accept down payment money from them and I've had a hard time coming to terms with it.  I know it makes them really happy to see us using the money to buy a house and I know that they don't need that money for anything else but it makes me uncomfortable and I feel shity that we can't do this on our own.  It makes me feel like a loser and a spoiled brat.  B has no problem with it.  At first they were saying it was a loan and we could pay them back however we were comfortable with but then I pointed out to everyone that they would be 100 years old by the time we paid them back and we would be constantly broke between our mortgage and repaying our debt.  Then the money turned from a loan into early inheritance.  Since both parents and B seem to be happy with this arrangement I am trying to suck up my own insecurities and just be grateful and appreciative. 

On top of all that we started our birth classes last week.  Our class is two and a half hrs on Tues nights until after my due date.  The woman teaching it is a world famous guru Doula named Penny Simkin.  She has written a couple books including The Birth Partner.  She is a crack up in class so far.  She makes jokes and is pretty entertaining.  There are a lot of couples in our group and it will be interesting to see if we get to really know any of them.  I still have the infertility chip on my shoulder and tend to want to steer clear of pregnant ladies (why wont that go away??) so I tend to avoid eye contact and small talk.  We'll see what happens.

Because the last class falls two days after my due date they encouraged me to attend to previous session's last class in case I go into labor early and have to miss it.  So we went to the class on Thurs.  It was a breast feeding class and it was pretty informative.  B and I were both so overwhelmed with 5 hrs of birth/breastfeeding classes and all the house stuff we were just exhausted.

We also had a midwife appt. on Thurs before our breastfeeding class.  I am measuring about a week ahead again and everything else looks good.  Hazy appears to be doing great!  My midwife felt her and said she is guessing that she weighs between 4 1/2 to 5 lbs and if I go late she might be up to 8 1/2 lbs!!!  Do you remember all that bull shit about her being a small baby?  I ordered our home birth supplies kit and B is ordering the labor tub.  I just set up an appt with a naturopath pediatrician for next Monday.  She also treats the whole family so I am going to ask her about the TDAP shot and the group B strep swab.  I'd like to avoid both but have the feeling I will get coerced into doing them.  I have two friends who go to this Dr. and love her so I feel good about that.  Plus I liked her picture on the website.  That is how you pick someone, right?

As if that wasn't enough my dance students had their dress rehearsal on Fri evening and 2 shows on Saturday.  That marks the end of the year until Sept. so I am now not teaching on Mon/Tues nights which is sad for my bank account, makes me very happy!  I won't be going back to teaching there until the middle of Oct. when Hazy will be about 11-12 weeks old.

This weekend was also the graduations of two of my sisters.  One from University and one from high school.   I didn't get to attend either but they both understood. 

Saturday was also my birthday....33.  Blah.  During the second recital my boss told the entire audience of 200 plus people that it was my birthday and they all sang me happy birthday while I stood there looking like an idiot.  The highlight of the day was when I got home and opened my gift from B.  He got me the petunia pickle bottom diaper bag that I told him I wanted 6 weeks ago.  I didn't think he would get it because of the price and then the whole housing situation happened and I intended to tell him to skip it because we cant afford it right now.  I forgot to tell him though and he actually got it!  I LOVE it!  I want to start using it now as my purse but I feel silly doing that until Hazy arrives. 

Only 5 more weeks until my due date!  This shit is getting real.  I am trying to do my keagals and squats.  We have done one session of perineal massage.  That was not sexy friends.  B thought it was going to be sexy and we quickly realized that it couldn't be farther from a sexy fun time.  We haven't done it since but we really need to make it a priority.  Awkward and uncomfortable as it may be it's better than ripping the ol' vag during the birth.  I like to call the perineal massage "Vaginal stretching" because it makes B squirm.  It's funny. 

Ok, I think I have purged my crazy thoughts for the moment so that's it for now!