Last night right before bed I checked my Facebook on my phone and gasped in shock. One of our friends had posted an US pic of a pretty well developed baby and announced that their almost two year old son is going to be a big brother.
Now these are not super close friends of ours but they have been in our larger circle of friends for over 10 years. We had already been TTC for a year when they got pregnant with their first. I remember asking my friend how long they had been trying and she said "oh a month!" I guess a side note should be that this friend has epilepsy very badly and is on a lot of serious meds to keep her functional on a daily basis. Meds she had to continue to take throughout her pregnancy. She had a gorgeous baby boy who is very healthy...thank goodness! It just always made it sting so much more comparing my health to hers and not understanding how it was all adding up.
I realized as I let the Facebook announcement sink in that even though I am pregnant and (fingers crossed) will be holding my baby girl in July or August I was still jealous...and bitter...and angry. How can I feel these things at the same time I'm feeling my sweet babe kicking the shit out of my insides? (I had Thai food and damn, that girl LOVED it! ).
I am jealous that they can conceive so easily. I'm bitter they already have a toddler and are well on their way to number two. I am angry that they are having a baby two months after me and my long awaited baby only gets two months of attention before the newest member of the group arrives. I hate that I can't just be happy and excited for them! I am happy for them but all those old feelings are still there....I felt almost the same emotions as all the times I endured pregnancy announcements in the over 3 years we were trying and failing miserably. I didn't start bawling. But it was like ripping a bandaid off a still raw wound. Will it just always be like this?