Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Proof that once infertile, always infertile

Last night right before bed I checked my Facebook on my phone and gasped in shock.  One of our friends had posted an US pic of a pretty well developed baby and announced that their almost two year old son is going to be a big brother.

Now these are not super close friends of ours but they have been in our larger circle of friends for over 10 years.  We had already been TTC for a year when they got pregnant with their first.  I remember asking my friend how long they had been trying and she said "oh a month!"  I guess a side note should be that this friend has epilepsy very badly and is on a lot of serious meds to keep her functional on a daily basis.  Meds she had to continue to take throughout her pregnancy.  She had a gorgeous baby boy who is very healthy...thank goodness!  It just always made it sting so much more comparing my health to hers and not understanding how it was all adding up.

I realized as I let the Facebook announcement sink in that even though I am pregnant and (fingers crossed) will be holding my baby girl in July or August I was still jealous...and bitter...and angry.  How can I feel these things at the same time I'm feeling my sweet babe kicking the shit out of my insides?  (I had Thai food and damn, that girl LOVED it! ).

I am jealous that they can conceive so easily.  I'm bitter they already have a toddler and are well on their way to number two.  I am angry that they are having a baby two months after me and my long awaited baby only gets two months of attention before the newest member of the group arrives.  I hate that I can't just be happy and excited for them!  I am happy for them but all those old feelings are still there....I felt almost the same emotions as all the times I endured pregnancy announcements in the over 3 years we were trying and failing miserably.  I didn't start bawling.  But it was like ripping a bandaid off a still raw wound.  Will it just always be like this?

12 comments:

  1. You are right - once an infertile always an infertile! I've only experienced one pregnancy announcement since being pregnant and it really stung. Some things never change I guess!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ugh, I'm glad I'm not alone in this. I feel like such a shitty, petty person for feeling like this! Before I was pregnant I could justify my feelings but now...

      Delete
  2. I think it all comes down to not the fact that they're pregnant (no matter how many times,) but the fact that it was so dang easy for them. I've had a few pregnancy announcements while I have been pregnant, and while I have found it somewhat easier to be happy for them, it still stings since I know that it was easy for most of them. What really stings are those "oops" baby announcements while my husband and I talk about how difficult it'll be to conceive again, if we ever do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is easier to deal with but still took me by surprise my feelings of animosity that are still so close to the surface...

      Delete
  3. It's true; once and infertile always an infertile. I bet I would react the same way!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seeing as how you are the most generous and kind person on the planet I highly doubt it! ;)

      Delete
  4. It becomes an instinctive response, during the brief moments of one of my pregnancies, I saw a pregger at Target and felt distain before I remembered. 'Oh wait, I'm pregnant!' It's also natural to resent the feeling that after waiting so long that the spotlight might be fleeting. IF is like hand Hotel California - you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! So true. I'll admit there are definitely some feelings of "she is stealing my thunder!" going on. Its definitely weird when I cross paths with other pregnant women. I feel like there should some acknowledgement, a little smile and a knowing look exchanged...but I avoid eye contact and pretend I'm oblivious to the fact that that lady is pregnant too. IF really fucks with your head.

      Delete
  5. Oh boy. I hate the scars left from infertility. I don't even go on Facebook anymore except to see updates from my family. A not friend of mine announced her 12 week pregnancy via text to me the day after my second beta. I was absolutely furious. So I know how you feel and it really sucks.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is so true. I feel the pangs of jealousy quite often still and I don't understand it!

    ReplyDelete
  7. SOOOO right. I posted something very similar awhile back. It doesn't go away, we're forever changed.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I haven't experienced an actual pregnancy announcement since finding out I'm expecting, but my little sister and her husband and my husband's best friend and his soon to be wife keep talking about how they will be pregnant by the end of the year and I do not handle these comments well at all. I tell them, well I certainly hope that is the case, but please don't talk to me about your "baby plans". They understand where I am coming from, but it doesn't seem to get through completely, because this conversation occurs just about every time I see either couple. It makes me feel like such a bitch, but I just can't help how feel after 4 years of disappointment.

    ReplyDelete