BFN...Big Fat Check

Okay, I just have to say that I really don't know how to write this post.  I am feeling embarrassed, guilty, relieved...I feel like I have survivors guilt.

First off, I got my period on Friday morning.  So IUI #2 was a BFN.  I knew it was going to be and although I almost cried while getting ready for work it wasn't nearly as bad as last time.  I had a super busy day with all five of my nanny kids and the day went as smoothly and as quickly as it could have.  As soon as I got off work I had to rush to rehearsal and dance in the heat for 2.5 hrs.  Then I went home and grabbed my husband and dogs and we drove out to the Olympic Peninsula where my parents live.

We got to their house around 10pm and my mom had ordered us pizza.  We all sat around talking and catching up and of course the subject of our fertility treatments came up.  My mom asked, "how is all that going?"  and I replied "Great!  I just got my period this morning."  We talked more about the drugs and IUIs and what we think our Dr. is going to recommend next.  My mother and I have already had conversations about this and my dad is in the loop on everything also.  As we are getting up and down to grab another drink and deal with dogs etc. I catch my mother giving my dad not so secret looks and whispering about "do it now", before A(other sister) and her boyfriend arrive the next day.  I pretend to have the observation skills of a 4 yr old and not notice.  So finally after whispering back and forth for two minutes in front of my husband and I, my mother says "well, we have a birthday present for both of you."  Our birthday's are 3 weeks apart.  He is a year older just to clarify.  She says, "I am not sure you will like it..."  B (husband) and I roll our eyes and laugh and say "okay, what is it?"  My mother says, "we are giving you 15,000 dollars for IVF."

I immediately burst into tears.  Apparently my dad immediately burst into tears but I was too busy crying to notice.  It was so unexpected and not how I thought things were going to happen.  I am elated that we don't have to waste years saving our money and can jump right into IVF if that is truly the next step for us.  However I am so guilty!  I feel like a little rich brat whose mommy and daddy are bailing her out and saving the day.  My parents have not ever had money.  They raised 5 daughters on basically one income.  My mom supplemented by running her own cleaning business, meaning that when my dad got off work from his day job they would go and clean offices and stores until late at night.  8 years ago they went through bankruptcy.  They had over 25 credit cards before that and then they had no credit at all.  I had everything I ever needed growing up but we were spoiled with love and support not material possessions.

I started babysitting when I was 11 so I could make my own money.  I had a job in a restaurant by the time I was 14.  I moved 3 hrs away to the big city when I was just 16 and I was supporting myself completely by the time I was 17.  Just two years ago I gave my dad $800 for a plane ticket because of a death in the family and he couldn't afford to get to the funeral.  This is the life I have had and I am so grateful that I know how to work hard, I know how to earn the things I want.  Because I work hard to earn them I appreciate them so much more.  Now what I want the most in this lifetime is being handed to me on a silver spoon.  It's fucking weird! 

Things have changed for my parents in the last year.  My father's mother passed away last September.  She was very wealthy and even though my dad has four other siblings he is getting quite a bit of money.  He was able to pay off their entire mortgage and bought a new (used) car.  My grandmothers house is about 45 minute from L.A. in a very upscale neighborhood overlooking a golf course.  The siblings are going to sell it but are fist doing some upgrades.  When the house does sell then my dad gets more money.  In the meantime he has made several payments into my sister's and my student loan accounts and started playing the stock market.  He has become obsessed with stocks!  Every time his stocks go up even sometimes just $75 he sells it.  Kind of a ridiculous and time consuming strategy but so far in 4 months he has made $10,000.  So things are not what they once were. 

I am just still in disbelief that they have money and are able to just give us $15,000.  I am trying to justify accepting the money (I didn't ever think about turning it down, are you kidding?!) by telling myself that they are doing it for themselves as much as for me.  They want us to be happy and they want a grand baby!

It doesn't change the guilt I feel when I think about my fellow infertile ladies who just like me as of 4 days ago are paralyzed from doing IVF because of the money.  It's so unjust that health insurance companies (I am talking about the majority) don't cover IVF and other treatments.  As so many people before me have said, if your body doesn't produce enough or too much insulin and you have diabetes, it's covered.  If you get cancer, it's covered.  If your thyroid is too low or too high, it's covered.  If your dick can't get hard, it's covered!  Yet your reproductive system has some missing links and sorry ladies, you just have to suck it up and deal.  Unless you have a good job with amazing insurance or you just have a good job where you make a lot of money then you don't get to procreate...the most basic and natural functions of the human body.  It's fucked that you have to be in a certain income bracket to "buy" a baby.  Fucked.

Please don't write me off as a coddled princess...I swear to god that is not me!  I feel like everyone is going to tell me they are happy for me and that I am lucky but they will really be cursing me and calling me a spoiled bitch.  That's what I would do.  I am sure you are all much nicer people than I am.  (I hope!)  

Okay, besides that news I have more.  My sister and her boyfriend announced that they are engaged!  So I get to help plan a wedding for next summer.  I am pretty excited about it.  I am hoping that I will be very, very pregnant at the wedding!