2WW post...it might take 2 weeks to read it!

Ahh, the 2WW.  What a wonderful time.  I'm actually not being sarcastic.

In the 2WW I dont have to worry about taking my Letrozol on the right days at the right times.

I don't have to worry about peeing on a stick on the right days at the right times.

I don't have the pressure of the looming TI that needs to be performed on the right days at the right times.

I don't have to worry about scheduling an ultrasound and stressing about whether it will fall on a day where I can actually go into the Dr.s to get it done.

I don't have to worry about scheduling an IUI and hoping it too falls on a day where I have time to go in and get it done.

Yes, there is the annoyance of not knowing if I may be pregnant or not.  But being the pessimist that I am and getting burned one too many times with phantom early pregnancy symptoms, I just tell myself that I am NOT pregnant until proven otherwise.

I stress out a little about drinking during the 2WW but SO many people including Dr.s have said it's not a big deal in moderation so I'm going with that and continue to enjoy my wine.  I feel like I have to regulate so much of my life while TTC that I don't need to cut out or add anything else if I don't absolutely have to!

I am definitely annoyed that my Dr. wants me to keep my exercise at a "conversational pace"...or heart rate under 140 bpm but seriously who is checking their heart rate while they run??  I have no idea how to do that and I am not sure if my 3X per week 4 mile run is a "conversational pace" or not.  I know it is fucking hard...that's why I do it!  So I have stopped running during the 2WW and it totally screws up my workout routine.  As soon as AF comes I start my running back up for 2 weeks and then IUI time and then I stop.  I try to do Pilates and I have random dance rehearsals here and there but it's not enough!  I feel fat and gross.  And I really miss the endorphins I get from running!

I really should be watching my portion sizes and being smarter about what I eat but I LOVE FOOD!  I love eating.  Compared to the typical American diet I eat SUPER healthy but I know I could cut down on sugar, fat and carbs.  Again with all the regulating going on in my life I am finding it really hard to crack down on my diet too.  Sigh.  First world problems. 

So here is what I've been doing in my 2WW.

I enjoyed my first week off from teaching at the dance studio....this only means I have Mon/Tues nights off.  I drive 70 miles round trip to teach so the time off from commuting in the summer is wonderful!

I started rehearsing again for some summer performances.

I threw myself a birthday BBQ in my backyard and almost all of our friends and their families came to celebrate with me.  It was super fun!  It was the first time a lot of them had met our new puppy even though we adopted her in Jan.  We are so busy and don't have people over very often.  On top of that most of our friends have young children and evening time (when we would have people over) doesn't work for them.  My puppy really hadn't been around a lot of kids so I was NERVOUS!  She did so great with all of them!  At one point I counted 8 kids running in circles through our house and around our yard.  Shilo ran beside them with her tongue hanging out!  She did knock over a kid or two but it wasn't malicious, just uncoordinated!  I was VERY relieved.  My old dog was wonderful as well but I was expecting that from her...she has been raised with all these kids and is great with them.

My sister's boyfriend brought his hooka and I couldn't remember if I had ever smoked a hooka before so I went for it!  I used to smoke cigarrets in my 20's and am happy to have kicked the habit.  I didn't think I would like the taste of the hooka tobacco but uh oh, I love it!!  I am definitely not getting a hooka because I would immediately be smoking everyday again.  Anyway, it was super fun to sit in my backyard with my friends and family wearing my Moroccan pants, smoking a hooka!  I practiced my smoke rings and had some good ones but sadly none were captured on camera.

Trying for a smoke ring.

My newly pregnant BF who I wrote about in a previous post came to the BBQ.  I hadn't seen her or even talked to her since I sent her a text about my first failed IUI and how her pregnancy was hard for me to handle.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  She brought me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers and she was experiencing really bad morning sickness.  I was able to join in the pregnancy conversation for a bit without getting too bitter or sad.  I politely excused myself to go mingle when I reached my thresh hold.

Flowers from BF..notice the cute bird clip?

I made two really awesome dishes for the BBQ.  One was a GIANT fruit salad with all organic fruit.  I tossed it with a honey mint dressing and it was amazing.  Even better though was a recipe I came across last week that I decided to make.  It is a grilled corn, avocado, cherry tomato, cilantro salad tossed with a dressing.  It was beyond delicious.  I couldn't get enough and cant wait to make it again.  I am thinking if you don't want to BBQ you could throw the corn on a baking sheet and get it crispy that way?  Anyway, here is the recipe...you gotta try it!

GRILLED CORN, AVOCADO AND TOMATO

•1 pint grape tomatoes
•1 ripe avocado
•2 ears of fresh sweet corn
•2 tbsp. fresh cilantro, chopped

HONEY LIME DRESSING
•Juice of 1 lime
•3 tbsp. vegetable oil
•1 tbsp. honey
•Sea salt and fresh cracked pepper, to taste
•1 clove garlic, minced
• Dash of cayenne pepper

DIRECTIONS
Remove husks from corn and grill over medium heat for 10 minutes. The corn should have some brown spots and be tender and not mushy. Cut the corn off the cob then scrape the cob with the back of your knife to get the juices. Set aside and let cool. Slice the tomatoes in half. Dice the avocado and chop the cilantro.

•1 Add all the dressing ingredients in a small bowl and whisk to combine. Set aside.

•2 Combine the sliced tomatoes, avocado, cilantro and grilled corn and honey lime dressing and mix gently so everything is evenly coated. Be careful not to mash the avocados. Let the salad sit for 10-15 minutes to let flavors mingle. Enjoy.

Yesterday I had a bizarre experience.  I was coming home and as I was parking I noticed a little old Asian lady sitting on my neighbors tree stump right by the road.  She looked like she was upset and crying.  Where she was sitting is not a place that people sit so I knew right away something was up.  I hesitated because I have a history of assuming someone needs help, rushing to their aid and then being embarrassed because I misread the situation and jumped to conclusions.  I parked the car and peeked around the corner to see if she really was sitting their crying and she was.  I walked over and asked her if she was ok.  She said she wasn't.  I crouched down next to her and asked if there was anything I could do to help her.  She said no.  I told her my name and said if it was ok with her I would sit with her for a while.  She was still crying but said that would be nice and told me her name.  She started to tell me in fragments that she got into an argument with her husband and son.  She spoke English fluently but still had a strong accent.  I really didn't know what to think, did she have Alzheimers?  Did she have dementia and was confused and lost?  I really didn't know but we were sitting on the side of the street so I invited her into my house and offered to make her some tea.  She accepted my offer and so we ended up sitting on my couch and talking for 45 min!

 My sister who is living with me for the summer was making lunch when we walked in.  She was giving me these looks like "what the hell is going on here?",  "Who is the random stranger lady?"  It was so weird but I totally connected with this old lady!  I still am sure I don't know the whole story but she told me she was upset with her son because he is being too overprotective and controlling over her.  He took away her drivers license and even took her purse.  He doesn't want her to go anywhere by herself.  He is worried she will hurt herself.  She said "why would I do that?  I am an old lady!  I don't have much time left anyway!"  She was upset at the loss of her freedom and the ability to make her own choices about her life.  She was mad at her husband because she wants to travel and visit places she has never been with the short time she has left but he has no interest and just watches TV all day.  We talked about marriage and how hard it is.  She has been married for 50 years!  She described being excited to retire so she and her husband could have time to do fun things together that they didn't have time for when they were busy working and raising children.  But the reality is disappointing and she is depressed about wasting the time she has left on this earth.  She was so sweet to me, telling me how grateful she was that I invited her in to talk.  She said she wished she had a daughter because she thinks a daughter would understand her better.

Usually I feel really awkward around old people.  I didn't have close relationships with any of my grandparents and I never know what to say to them.  Maybe because I recently was walking around crying about my life I totally related to her and her frustration.  Maybe because I also am experiencing loss of control over my life with our fruitless attempts at having children and I feel like the life I had envisioned for myself is passing me by with each year we don't get pregnant.  I don't know why but I totally fell in love with this sweet little old lady.

Eventually she decided to go home and we exchanged addresses and phone numbers.  I walked her out and we gave each other a big hug.  I was still worried that although she seemed perfectly lucid while I was talking to her that she may have been experiencing a dementia episode and that maybe her family was desperately looking for.  I offered to give her a ride home but she declined saying she just lived a few blocks away and assured me she was going straight home.  I called her a few hours later and she answered the phone and we talked for a min.  I was relieved she made it home and that she had given me the right number.  Makes me think she really was just upset after fighting with her family and hopefully was not having dementia!  I plan on sending her a card in the mail to say hi and have fantasies of taking her to brunch.  I just feel like I need to check back in with her and make sure she is ok.

Back to the infertility front, today I received a FB message from my old estranged friend who recently had a baby.  I did not invite her to my BBQ on purpose and was feeling weird about it because we have a few mutual friends and I am sure it will get back to her.  I feel really bitter about her pregnancy and new baby (I'm a bitch) and besides one congratulatory message about the pregnancy and one about the birth I have kept my distance.  Well, she sent me a message this morning inviting my husband and I to come meet the baby.  Gag.  Ugh, that is exactly what I didn't want to do.  I haven't even hung out with her in 2 years.  The last time we got together my husband and I told her we had been trying to get pregnant for a year without success.  So now fast forward two years later and she has a baby and we still don't.  It's so shitty.  I get really judgmental comparing how much more together and prepared for children my husband and I are than her and her partner.  I hate that I do it but I do.  It makes me feel like a shitty person.  And it makes me feel shitty that I don't want to meet her adorable cute son and hear all about the pregnancy and birth.  I don't know how to respond.  We are really too busy?  Tell her it's too hard?  Tell her that every time I look at a picture of her cute baby I feel like I am getting stabbed in the heart?  Tell her I've had a change of heart and now I hate babies?  Suck it up and have a quick coffee date with an excuse to leave because I have a made up appointment?  I don't know.  I hate all this shit.

Okay, If you are still reading this you deserve an award!  I think my random venting is done for now.  Until next time!