Tuesday, June 25, 2013

2WW post...it might take 2 weeks to read it!

Ahh, the 2WW.  What a wonderful time.  I'm actually not being sarcastic.

In the 2WW I dont have to worry about taking my Letrozol on the right days at the right times.

I don't have to worry about peeing on a stick on the right days at the right times.

I don't have the pressure of the looming TI that needs to be performed on the right days at the right times.

I don't have to worry about scheduling an ultrasound and stressing about whether it will fall on a day where I can actually go into the Dr.s to get it done.

I don't have to worry about scheduling an IUI and hoping it too falls on a day where I have time to go in and get it done.

Yes, there is the annoyance of not knowing if I may be pregnant or not.  But being the pessimist that I am and getting burned one too many times with phantom early pregnancy symptoms, I just tell myself that I am NOT pregnant until proven otherwise.

I stress out a little about drinking during the 2WW but SO many people including Dr.s have said it's not a big deal in moderation so I'm going with that and continue to enjoy my wine.  I feel like I have to regulate so much of my life while TTC that I don't need to cut out or add anything else if I don't absolutely have to!

I am definitely annoyed that my Dr. wants me to keep my exercise at a "conversational pace"...or heart rate under 140 bpm but seriously who is checking their heart rate while they run??  I have no idea how to do that and I am not sure if my 3X per week 4 mile run is a "conversational pace" or not.  I know it is fucking hard...that's why I do it!  So I have stopped running during the 2WW and it totally screws up my workout routine.  As soon as AF comes I start my running back up for 2 weeks and then IUI time and then I stop.  I try to do Pilates and I have random dance rehearsals here and there but it's not enough!  I feel fat and gross.  And I really miss the endorphins I get from running!

I really should be watching my portion sizes and being smarter about what I eat but I LOVE FOOD!  I love eating.  Compared to the typical American diet I eat SUPER healthy but I know I could cut down on sugar, fat and carbs.  Again with all the regulating going on in my life I am finding it really hard to crack down on my diet too.  Sigh.  First world problems. 

So here is what I've been doing in my 2WW.

I enjoyed my first week off from teaching at the dance studio....this only means I have Mon/Tues nights off.  I drive 70 miles round trip to teach so the time off from commuting in the summer is wonderful!

I started rehearsing again for some summer performances.

I threw myself a birthday BBQ in my backyard and almost all of our friends and their families came to celebrate with me.  It was super fun!  It was the first time a lot of them had met our new puppy even though we adopted her in Jan.  We are so busy and don't have people over very often.  On top of that most of our friends have young children and evening time (when we would have people over) doesn't work for them.  My puppy really hadn't been around a lot of kids so I was NERVOUS!  She did so great with all of them!  At one point I counted 8 kids running in circles through our house and around our yard.  Shilo ran beside them with her tongue hanging out!  She did knock over a kid or two but it wasn't malicious, just uncoordinated!  I was VERY relieved.  My old dog was wonderful as well but I was expecting that from her...she has been raised with all these kids and is great with them.

My sister's boyfriend brought his hooka and I couldn't remember if I had ever smoked a hooka before so I went for it!  I used to smoke cigarrets in my 20's and am happy to have kicked the habit.  I didn't think I would like the taste of the hooka tobacco but uh oh, I love it!!  I am definitely not getting a hooka because I would immediately be smoking everyday again.  Anyway, it was super fun to sit in my backyard with my friends and family wearing my Moroccan pants, smoking a hooka!  I practiced my smoke rings and had some good ones but sadly none were captured on camera.

Trying for a smoke ring.

My newly pregnant BF who I wrote about in a previous post came to the BBQ.  I hadn't seen her or even talked to her since I sent her a text about my first failed IUI and how her pregnancy was hard for me to handle.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  She brought me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers and she was experiencing really bad morning sickness.  I was able to join in the pregnancy conversation for a bit without getting too bitter or sad.  I politely excused myself to go mingle when I reached my thresh hold.

Flowers from BF..notice the cute bird clip?

I made two really awesome dishes for the BBQ.  One was a GIANT fruit salad with all organic fruit.  I tossed it with a honey mint dressing and it was amazing.  Even better though was a recipe I came across last week that I decided to make.  It is a grilled corn, avocado, cherry tomato, cilantro salad tossed with a dressing.  It was beyond delicious.  I couldn't get enough and cant wait to make it again.  I am thinking if you don't want to BBQ you could throw the corn on a baking sheet and get it crispy that way?  Anyway, here is the recipe...you gotta try it!


•1 pint grape tomatoes
•1 ripe avocado
•2 ears of fresh sweet corn
•2 tbsp. fresh cilantro, chopped

•Juice of 1 lime
•3 tbsp. vegetable oil
•1 tbsp. honey
•Sea salt and fresh cracked pepper, to taste
•1 clove garlic, minced
• Dash of cayenne pepper

Remove husks from corn and grill over medium heat for 10 minutes. The corn should have some brown spots and be tender and not mushy. Cut the corn off the cob then scrape the cob with the back of your knife to get the juices. Set aside and let cool. Slice the tomatoes in half. Dice the avocado and chop the cilantro.

•1 Add all the dressing ingredients in a small bowl and whisk to combine. Set aside.

•2 Combine the sliced tomatoes, avocado, cilantro and grilled corn and honey lime dressing and mix gently so everything is evenly coated. Be careful not to mash the avocados. Let the salad sit for 10-15 minutes to let flavors mingle. Enjoy.

Yesterday I had a bizarre experience.  I was coming home and as I was parking I noticed a little old Asian lady sitting on my neighbors tree stump right by the road.  She looked like she was upset and crying.  Where she was sitting is not a place that people sit so I knew right away something was up.  I hesitated because I have a history of assuming someone needs help, rushing to their aid and then being embarrassed because I misread the situation and jumped to conclusions.  I parked the car and peeked around the corner to see if she really was sitting their crying and she was.  I walked over and asked her if she was ok.  She said she wasn't.  I crouched down next to her and asked if there was anything I could do to help her.  She said no.  I told her my name and said if it was ok with her I would sit with her for a while.  She was still crying but said that would be nice and told me her name.  She started to tell me in fragments that she got into an argument with her husband and son.  She spoke English fluently but still had a strong accent.  I really didn't know what to think, did she have Alzheimers?  Did she have dementia and was confused and lost?  I really didn't know but we were sitting on the side of the street so I invited her into my house and offered to make her some tea.  She accepted my offer and so we ended up sitting on my couch and talking for 45 min!

 My sister who is living with me for the summer was making lunch when we walked in.  She was giving me these looks like "what the hell is going on here?",  "Who is the random stranger lady?"  It was so weird but I totally connected with this old lady!  I still am sure I don't know the whole story but she told me she was upset with her son because he is being too overprotective and controlling over her.  He took away her drivers license and even took her purse.  He doesn't want her to go anywhere by herself.  He is worried she will hurt herself.  She said "why would I do that?  I am an old lady!  I don't have much time left anyway!"  She was upset at the loss of her freedom and the ability to make her own choices about her life.  She was mad at her husband because she wants to travel and visit places she has never been with the short time she has left but he has no interest and just watches TV all day.  We talked about marriage and how hard it is.  She has been married for 50 years!  She described being excited to retire so she and her husband could have time to do fun things together that they didn't have time for when they were busy working and raising children.  But the reality is disappointing and she is depressed about wasting the time she has left on this earth.  She was so sweet to me, telling me how grateful she was that I invited her in to talk.  She said she wished she had a daughter because she thinks a daughter would understand her better.

Usually I feel really awkward around old people.  I didn't have close relationships with any of my grandparents and I never know what to say to them.  Maybe because I recently was walking around crying about my life I totally related to her and her frustration.  Maybe because I also am experiencing loss of control over my life with our fruitless attempts at having children and I feel like the life I had envisioned for myself is passing me by with each year we don't get pregnant.  I don't know why but I totally fell in love with this sweet little old lady.

Eventually she decided to go home and we exchanged addresses and phone numbers.  I walked her out and we gave each other a big hug.  I was still worried that although she seemed perfectly lucid while I was talking to her that she may have been experiencing a dementia episode and that maybe her family was desperately looking for.  I offered to give her a ride home but she declined saying she just lived a few blocks away and assured me she was going straight home.  I called her a few hours later and she answered the phone and we talked for a min.  I was relieved she made it home and that she had given me the right number.  Makes me think she really was just upset after fighting with her family and hopefully was not having dementia!  I plan on sending her a card in the mail to say hi and have fantasies of taking her to brunch.  I just feel like I need to check back in with her and make sure she is ok.

Back to the infertility front, today I received a FB message from my old estranged friend who recently had a baby.  I did not invite her to my BBQ on purpose and was feeling weird about it because we have a few mutual friends and I am sure it will get back to her.  I feel really bitter about her pregnancy and new baby (I'm a bitch) and besides one congratulatory message about the pregnancy and one about the birth I have kept my distance.  Well, she sent me a message this morning inviting my husband and I to come meet the baby.  Gag.  Ugh, that is exactly what I didn't want to do.  I haven't even hung out with her in 2 years.  The last time we got together my husband and I told her we had been trying to get pregnant for a year without success.  So now fast forward two years later and she has a baby and we still don't.  It's so shitty.  I get really judgmental comparing how much more together and prepared for children my husband and I are than her and her partner.  I hate that I do it but I do.  It makes me feel like a shitty person.  And it makes me feel shitty that I don't want to meet her adorable cute son and hear all about the pregnancy and birth.  I don't know how to respond.  We are really too busy?  Tell her it's too hard?  Tell her that every time I look at a picture of her cute baby I feel like I am getting stabbed in the heart?  Tell her I've had a change of heart and now I hate babies?  Suck it up and have a quick coffee date with an excuse to leave because I have a made up appointment?  I don't know.  I hate all this shit.

Okay, If you are still reading this you deserve an award!  I think my random venting is done for now.  Until next time!  


  1. I made it through this whole post, what's my prize?! Ha, just kidding. I can totally relate to sort of enjoying the 2ww because of the whole 'what's done is done' aspect. I've compared it to right after a job interview or when handing in a huge term paper - it's that sense of relief that you don't have to try anymore because the decision is out of your hands. You've done your part. Now you just have to wait and see.

    Love the story about the old lady and that you were so sweet to stop and help her! I want to say I would do the same, but I can see myself just sitting in my house creepily watching her from afar, not actually going up and talking to her. That takes some courage, and it sounds like you really helped her, even just by being like a surrogate daughter. Nice going. I do think you'll have brunch.

    For the estranged friend... eh. Tough one. I'd just be honest with her at this point, especially since you aren't close anymore. You have nothing to lose by telling her the truth in a gentle way.

    1. Lol, I don't think you would have creepily watched her from afar! I did joke with my husband when I was telling him about it that it could have been a set up for an episode of "What would you do?" ... You know that show? He was shocked that I invited her in to our house and gave me a mini lecture about how that isn't a smart thing to do. I honestly wouldn't have done it if she had looked like a homeless lady or had been a lot younger or if she had been a man. I basically judged her based on how she looked and deemed her to be harmless. I could have been wrong, she could have been an old crazy lady who could've murdered me I guess. With the whole friend business I feel like I am not close enough with her anymore to be honest about how I really feel. I feel like with my BF I could be honest because we are close. I kind of feel like I want to be more superficial with this friend. I don't feel like dealing with her sympathy if I told her the truth about being around her and her baby. I would rather have a superficial coffee date, play nice for 45 min and leave it at that. Is that weird? Bitchy? Probably.

  2. I love that you stopped and helped that lady, but more so I love that you invited her in for tea and called to check up on her afterwards! What a nice thing to do...

    I also love that picture of you smoking hookah in your Moroccan pants. You seem like such a cool chick and I really wish you lived nearby because I think you are the kind of person I could hang out with! I have danced all my life, but recently quit my dance team due to drama within the team :(

    I really hope your 2ww ends in a BFP, but if it doesn't (I'm sure mine won't) we can cycle together again!

    1. :) Thanks Gypsy Mama! I think you seem like a pretty awesome lady too! One of the ways I choose what blogs I follow is based on whether or not I feel like I would actually want to hang out with the blogger. I would gladly hang out with you any day! I was worried people were going to get all up in my grill for posting a pic of me smoking during my 2WW. Sorry about the dance team drama...why am I not surprised? Dancers are so catty and such bitches! I love us, lol! Do you take any dance classes? Maybe now is the time to start if you are missing dance? I wish I took more classes. It's time and money...always. I am very doubtful my 2WW will end in a BFP also so I look forward to future cycles with you! <3

  3. I think you are amazing for taking time to talk to the Old Lady. Regardless of whatever was or was not actually happening with her I am positive she appreciates you for taking time to talk with her.

    I love your description of the 2ww and wine. All I have to say is amen!

  4. That is really kind of you to help out a stranger. Many people would not do that and you really could have turned her day around and given her hope that things will get better. You are totally right about the tww. I get pretty anxious with the waiting, but really when you put it in perpective like that, it's a lovely time without the pee sticks and meds :) I don't run as much as you do, but I got into it last year. I find myself struggling with the same thing though about how much, how often, and when it is ok to run, which keeps me from doing it as much as I'd like.


  5. That is such a sweet story about you & the old lady! She sounds sweet, and how adorable that you're daydreaming about taking her to brunch ;) It's like adopting a grandmother.
    I'm definitely going to try that recipe... looks delicious! I hope you're taken by surprise with a positive test at the end of this TWW.

    1. Make the recipe! I made it again this last weekend. So good!

  6. Love the venting! You are so sweet to take such great care of a stranger. I think that truly shows how NOT consumed you are during the 2WW (jealous!!).

    1. Oh, don't be fooled...I play it cool but really I am obsessing over every phantom symptom I manifest in my head! It is a hard balance to live your life and be happy but also continue on your quest for the goal you have set for yourself. I am getting better at not letting fertility treatments and let downs take over my day to day. I got sick of missing out on opportunities and making decisions thinking that I might be pregnant. I think it's a learned skill you have to practice over and over and over and over....