Sunday, August 4, 2013

Cant keep my shit together...

This last week was something else.  I don't know what my problem is but apparently I am having major brain malfunction.  I had two GIANT fuck ups at two of my jobs...the kind of fuck ups where you fuck up, it's entirely your fault, you have no excuse for yourself, you look like an irresponsible asshole and you have that horrible rock of guilt and self hate sitting in the pit of your stomach.

That bad really?  Oh yes.  That bad.  The first one happened Monday.  I wont even write about it because I don't want to incriminate myself.  Seriously.  It was that bad.  This fuck up actually went unnoticed and no one knows what happened except my husband and my sister whose shoulders I sobbed on as I confessed what a colossal shit for brains I am.  All I will say is that I have NEVER come even close to making that kind of a mistake in the 10 years I have been doing this job and I scared the shit out of myself.  I am SO, SO, SO lucky that A)no one was hurt, B)the cops weren't called and C)I wasn't fired on the spot.  So lucky. I realize that you are all DYING to know what I did.  Sorry to be a tease but I am taking this one with me to the grave!

I spent the rest of the week recovering from the first giant fuck up and made it to Friday without further incident.  On Friday I worked until mid afternoon and then had a bajillion errands to run to prepare for my husband's Art Show/Sale/Party that we hosted at our house on Sat. night.  He basically turned our whole house into an art gallery.  Needless to say there was an ass load of cleaning, rearranging, shopping and food prep to do.  And my sister and her Fiance were moving.  I went over to their new house and spent two hours helping them unpack before turning around and starting all my chores.  Friday was a LONG day.  I finally fell into bed around midnight not having any thoughts about the next day except for our party.

Giant fuck up #2.  I wake up at 8:30 thinking about all the preparations I still have to do before our party starts at 4pm.  I am lying in bed checking my FB on my phone when at 9:05 it starts to ring.  I immediately recognize the number as one of my studios where I teach.  Where I usually teach the Sat 9 am class every other week.  As the wave of panic starts to wash over me I start to put together that the only reason they would be calling me at 9:05 on Sat morning is probably because I am supposed to be teaching the class...the class that started 5 minutes earlier.  I jump out of bed trying to figure out how this could seriously be happening right now.  Basically it comes down to me not checking my online schedule the night I always do.  I am technically only supposed to teach every other Sat. and I had taught the week before so subconsciously I was thinking it wasn't my turn.  But honestly I just didn't even think about the class at all before I went to bed.  It was like I didn't even remember that I have worked there for the last five years.  What is wrong with me???

So I had to call my work and tell them I didn't look at the schedule because...uh, ....(please insert your excuses here because I got nothing!)  So embarrassing.  Luckily another teacher was there to take my class and was able to step in and teach for me so class just got a late start.  I still have to face my boss though. :(  I wrote her an email basically just saying I had no excuse for myself and I feel really stupid.  She has not responded yet.  So I don't even know if I will have a job there anymore.  I hope I am being dramatic but seriously I just don't know.  She is very over reactive to situations when you call in sick or even when you put in a time off request well in advance.  She always acts like it's a huge inconvenience and is stressed out about it so I can't imagine she will take this very well.  We'll see what happens.  I guess there is nothing I can do at this point so it is what it is.

Let's try to be positive for a moment.  The art party was a smashing success!  My husband had over 30 mixed media collages that he hung salon style on three of our living room walls.  He hung a dozen oil paintings in our dining room and office.  We took all six dining room chairs down to our basement so the table was unobstructed and we could use it as a buffet for all the appetizers that I put together myself.  I worked my ass off cleaning the house (B did his share but was of course more concerned with hanging all the art) and making awesome appetizers.  Pretty much everything was finger food with the exception of a big southwest style quinoa salad.  I made Caprese shishkabobs, fruit shishkabobs and my sister made strawberry shortcake shishkabobs that guests dipped in vanilla bean whipped cream.  Yeah, we do it right!  I got many compliments on the spread.  I also kept getting told that our house was amazing which is always nice to hear.

The spread!

You all want to come to a party at my house right?

Not only was the party fun but it was also profitable!  B sold half of the collages and three oil paintings!  Basically he sold 50% of the show which was more than what we were hoping.  This was the first time we have tried having a gallery show at our house and the experiment was very successful!  We are already planning when we can do another one.

Check out the tiny red dots on the tags...all sold!  The one in the middle was bought by my dad via phone call the night before.  I like that one and I think that B was subconsciously inspired by our fertility looks like the dye ultrasound of a pelvis right?  The fallopian tubes and ovaries?  And then the three peeled lemons at the bottom references that my ovaries are lemons.  Even the woman's covered face makes me think of how infertility is an isolating battle and a hidden "disease".  He claims this was never his intention, it's not a female pelvis and the lemons have no implied meaning but that is how I interpret that collage.  I am glad my dad bought it.  
Another red dot!

More red dots!

This morning I narrowly avoided fuck up #3 when at the last minute I realized that the rehearsal I thought I had to go to at 10 am in one part of the city was actually starting in 20 minutes (9am) in a completely different part of the city.  Seriously people, do I have a brain tumor?

On the fertility front:  I noticed this am that I had increased CM and that today was CD12 and I have not been using my OPKs.  Great.  I peed on the stick and sure enough it was positive.  However this was the test kit that gave me a false positive last month and then continued to be all over the place each time I tested so I wasn't trusting it's result.  I went out bought a new box of OPKs and then drank a bunch of water (which was good cause I am sooooo hungover!  I think I drank two bottles of white wine last night)  so I could pee on another stick.  Sure enough the new reader says I am ovulating.  On CD12.  So I got my period on CD27 last month and now I am ovulating on CD12.  I don't know what the fuck is up with my body.  It's like my body knows that this is our last attempt at Letrozole and IUI so it's saying "hurry up and get this shit over with lady!"

I got a hold of a nurse at my fertility clinic and told her what was going on and she said to have sex tonight and call in the morning to set up an appt. for an ultrasound and an IUI.  So now I am stressing out about getting off work early enough to go in for my last IUI.  I think I am going to skip the ultrasound.  I just cant get into the clinic early enough in the day to get the ultrasound done and then have B go in on his lunch break to masturbate into a cup (yummy lunch, huh?) and THEN go in for the IUI.  I have to work here people!  Especially since I may be one job lighter after talking to my boss about my giant fuck up #2!

So I am barely holding my life together right now.  I need to figure out how to get a grip and pull my shit together.  First step might be going to eat Mexican food.  Doesn't that sound so delicious right now?


  1. First of all, great spread and fabulous art! Second of all, you have SO much going's only human of you to have some slips with time. Give yourself a break, please!! I know it feels crappy but you are only human and can only do so much. Go eat your Mexican food and relax!

  2. I want to try all of those snacks!!! Sounds like a delicious and successful party. I am so curious about fuck up #1, but I'd keep it to myself too. But now I will create something in my mind and believe that's what you did ;)
    It sounds like you're just busy-- everyone forgets things sometimes. I hope that boss of job #2 is understanding enough to realize that.
    Good luck with the IUI!!!