36 BFNs

So IUI #3 results in a BFN.  I'm in no way surprised.  I actually thought I was going to get through this one without crying.  Until I looked at my FB.  My BF decided today was the day to debut the her baby bump in a mother fucking bikini.  Why today?  Of all days.  I want to show off MY baby bump in a bikini god damn it!  I know I'm already showing off bumps (and dimples, I'll just be honest) and I shouldn't be greedy but why???

Did I mention this is only CD27?  What. The. Fuck.  For real.  I NEVER ovulate that early.  Now my cycle for next month falls on horrible days for me to get an IUI.  I might end up taking the letrozole and then not even be able to go in for the IUI.

I just don't get why the IUIs are not working.  Why didn't my surgery work? Why don't the drugs work? Why, fucking why?!

This brings us to 36 BFNs.

Waiting yet again.

Still in the 2WW.  I am sure I will get my period over the weekend.  Not because I have any period symptoms but more that there is a lack of pregnancy symptoms.  I know, I know.  Very common for there to be none at only 3.5 weeks pregnant but I am so certain that when I ever finally do get pregnant I will feel different.  And I don't. 

I just emailed my nurse at the fertility clinic asking her to ask my Dr. what the next step is for us.  I tried to make an appointment with our Dr. when I was there for my IUI but she was of course on vacation for the last week and then is booked or in surgeries all of this week and next week and the next week etc.  I need to know what the plan is now before I get my period.

I want to do one more cycle of Letrozole and one more IUI.  I was leaning towards that and then a bloggers recent post about her final IUI resulting in a BFP inspired me to just try one more time before potentially moving on to IVF.  If I do one more cycle that brings me to 6 months of Letrozole and 4 IUIs.

So then what?  Different drugs and more IUIs?  More tests?  I am curious about getting a 3D sonogram of my uterus to check for scar tissue or anything else that is preventing implantation from happening.  Anybody had one of those before?


I had a pregnancy dream a few nights ago.  I dreamed that I went to the Dr. and the nurse/assistant (I never know who those people are) took a peek at my lady parts and determined that I was pregnant.  Somehow she could tell from just looking vaginally, lol!  Dreams are silly.  So then she did an ultrasound and there was for sure one implanted egg but maybe two others also.  I was so happy.  I was lying on the exam table looking at the ultrasound crying my eyes out and telling her "you have no idea how long I have waited for this".  Then I got off the table and had to leave because another patient was coming in.  I left the Dr. and was walking around I guess the neighborhood?  And then I realized that in my happy crying stupor I had left the Dr. office without putting my shoes back on.  So I was walking around barefoot.  And that's all I remember.  But that is one of the few dreams where I have managed to trick my mind into dreaming that I am really pregnant.  It was nice.

Other than emailing my nurse and having weird dreams I just got back into town after almost a week of being in Portland OR.  I went down to Portland to perform in a dance festival with the group of women I dance with.  It was pretty fun!  We all stayed together in a house (that should have been featured on an episode of the hoarders but that's another story) and got to explore Portland.  I shopped too much, drank too much and I even stayed up until 4 am one night!!!  That is unheard of for this old lady of 32!  My husband and dogs came down on the weekend and when my show was over we went to visit my in-laws.  That visit was short and sweet.  I got to see my two nephews which is always great because they live in Minnesota.  My father in law had a retirement party at his house which is on a river.  It was fabulous except for my puppy acting like an asshole.  She embarrassed me with her naughty behavior and then I got pissed at my husband for not being more proactive about not allowing her to jump on the guests and race around the food tables.  Fun times. 

My new dress and sunglasses!  On the river where my father in law lives.  This is literally his backyard.

We got home last night (we both took off Mon) and I was supposed to work today but then both my nanny families canceled on me!  So now I have all of today to catch up on housework and yard work.  I also took my car into the shop because it was leaking coolant and making the under the hood smoke.  Now I need a new radiator, hoses, thermostat, air filter, oil change and new tires and alignment.  So goodbye $1700.  Ugh.  I have been putting off the tires for seriously over 2 years.  I guess I should count my lucky stars I didn't blow a tire on the freeway and just face the music.  When I called my husband to discuss if we wanted to fix everything all at once or procrastinate a little longer he said  "just take it out of the joint account".  I freaked out and was like "NO WE WILL NOT!  That is our IVF money and we WILL NOT TOUCH IT!!!"  I have a bad habit of "borrowing" from my savings and then it just all slowly trickles away.  I will not use that money for anything else except IVF. 

Anyway, I am sure I will post again as soon as I hear from my nurse and of course when AF comes to town this weekend...sigh.

You have to be fucking joking.

First I just want to say that two amazing blogging ladies have had some horrible news in the last week/12 hrs.  My heart is truly aching for Risa (who shot down my stork?) and Amanda (beloved burned toast).  I have only followed them briefly, since about mid April, but I have become totally sucked into their stories of pursuing IVF.  They are both lovely and courageous and I am feeling devastated for their losses.  I appreciate them being so open on their blogs about the trial and tribulations IVF leaves in it's wake.  I feel like when/if I take on IVF for myself I will be much more cautious with my expectations.  I have gained experience vicariously through reading their posts and feel like I will not approach IVF as naively as I might have if I hadn't followed their journeys.

OK, back to me.  (totally just kidding)

My last post was Tuesday after my ultrasound.  Remember I got a positive on the OPK on Monday night but it seemed very odd that I would be ovulating so early, it was CD11.  Then the next morning (Tues) I got a negative.  Very confusing.  I went in for my follicle count ultrasound a day earlier than scheduled to try to figure out what the hell was really going on.  All the follies were too small so they determined that I had gotten a false positive on Monday night and we scheduled another ultrasound to check in on the follicles for Friday, today.

So Tues night through this morning I tried a new method of OPK testing.  You know, just to drive myself insane with more questions and uncertainty.  I decided that my new OPK reader was faulty.  But I wasn't 100% sure.  I still have the old reader from the last box that I used for two cycles.  You know how it says on the box that it's only good for 30 days after opening?  I don't buy it.  I mean, I buy it but I don't believe that it stops working after 30 days...I think they just want you to buy another box even though you have more sticks left over.  And just to prove my point, the newest box of OPK that I bought now says that it's good for 2 months so I think my suspicions are correct.

Well I decided that I would pee on two sticks at once and compare the results.  One old, possibly expired reader against one new, probably broken reader.  I'm a genius.  Let the good times roll! 

Here are my results from Wed afternoon:

Helpful, right?  I think the positive was the old reader and the negative was the new one...

Here are what the lines looked like:

I decided to compare the lines from the last few days:

I know it's hard to see the lines...it doesn't matter.  There is no rhyme or reason to them anyway.

I literally got a positive and a negative one time and then about 4 hrs later they flip flopped!  I decided to not even try to explain what was going on with my nurse.  It just makes me sound like I don't know what the hell I am doing.  I went in for my ultrasound today and thank god she didn't think that I had ovulated yet!!  She counted a bunch of follies on my right side but they were all too small.  She found two on my left, the biggest was 23 and the other 16!  I was a little bummed that there are only two but I am happy with the size.  I have had 3 that looked like they were going to mature but my ultrasound happened further away from my trigger shot and IUI so they were just guessing at which ones would actually get big enough.  For all I know none of them did.  So I am pleased that I know for sure that there are two that are mature and have potential!  I got the trigger shot right after the ultrasound and just got our appts. for the IUI scheduled for tomorrow.  Third time's the charm...right? 

Just when you think you have it down cold...

My body decided to play a mean trick on me last night and screw up my perfect little ultrasound/trigger shot/IUI schedule that has worked out so wonderfully the last two months.  You know minus the fact that they both resulted in a BFN.

My work schedule is very inflexible and my cycle has perfectly lined up so I can schedule my ultrasound on a Wed when I have the afternoon off, get the trigger shot either on a Friday early am before work or Sat am and then do the IUI on Sat or Sunday which also works for my husband...oh yeah, that guy!  Remember him?  I need him for sperm.  He just gets to have one appointment where he gets a happy ending.  Fucker.  The point is, my cycle has been so nice and cooperative by landing on all the days where I actually have time to go into the fertility clinic and do what I need to do.   

So I was supposed to pee on the OPKs starting on CD10 which was Sunday.  I forgot.  No big deal, I haven't ovulated before CD14 in forever.  Then last night (CD11) I realized that I again had forgot to pee on the damn stick in the afternoon like I am supposed to.  I got out of bed and tested at 11pm.  I jokingly yelled to B that if we got a positive then we would have to do it, ugh!  Well that little fucker OPK looks up at me with a goddamn smiley face!  WTF?  Are you serious?!  I went back to bed and seduced B into some very sexy "let's get 'er done" love making.  Lucky for us we had actually just had sex the night before so if I really was already ovulating at least we covered it with the "natural" method.   


Let's review when I ovulated while on Letrozole:
March - O'd on CD14
April - O'd on CD16 (very late at night)
May - had trigger shot on CD16 and IUI on CD17
June - had trigger shot on CD15 and IUI on CD16

Why would it all of a sudden make me ovulate on CD11?  And did I ovulate earlier and just missed it because I forgot to test?

Alright let's move on.  I peed on another OPK this am and it was negative!?  Now what am I supposed to think?   As far as I know I have never gotten a false positive before.  I know lots of other ladies do but it hasn't happened to me...that I know of.

I called my nurse and she said to get an ultrasound today if possible so that we didn't miss ovulation and we could get a better idea of what is going on.  Of course I already had a vet appointment for my dog that I couldn't postpone, poor baby has a UTI :(  I quickly called the vet and thank god, they had a few later appointments for me to reschedule her into.   So my afternoon consisted of racing from work to my ultrasound appointment.  And then racing home to get my dog and then racing 15 miles north in rush hour traffic to get her to her Dr. appointment.  I know it's stupid that our vet is so far away but they are super affordable and we have been going there for forever!  I love them and so I put up with the distance.  

The ultrasound showed that I had a bunch (maybe 4?) of follicles on my left side (I think it was left, damn it,  I never remember!) but they were all way too small.  The other side had only one I think and it only measured at 16.  So it looks like I am still a few days away from ovulating.  I cancelled my previously scheduled appointment to check on the follies that was supposed to happen tomorrow.  I am going back in to check on them on Fri.  Unless I get a positive OPK before then I guess.  What a waste of time!  And money because the kicker is that while checking out with financing, I was informed that my insurance which had previously agreed to pay for a portion of the IUIs has since retracted that agreement and now we are paying for them out of pocket.  Awesome. 

I am still hopeful that the positive OPK was just a fluke and my body will grow those little follies nice and big so on Fri. I can count at least 3 mature ones and get that trigger shot so we can do the IUI on Sat.  I will be soooo PISSED if this cycle is a bust!

And now that B found out we are paying for the IUIs out of pocket he proclaimed that this would be the last one...uuuh, I think I get to have a say in this decision!  Jesus, it's a good thing that I am the one who is getting thousands of ultrasounds, getting penetrated with dildo cams, taking drugs (that increase your chance of freakin cancer!!!) on a very specifically timed schedule, got surgery for fucks sake, track my cycle and decipher what it means...because if it were up to him he would have thrown in the towel 2 years ago.  I cant picture any man being willing to put up with this kind of sacrifice and stress...unless it was the only way they got to have sex.  That I can picture. 




 

Salt Creek photo shoot

I thought I would share some pictures of my visit home last weekend.

We went to Salt Creek which is a beautiful little beach with huge cliffs and mussel rock beds that jut out into the ocean.  You can walk around (on top of all the poor little mussels...I hate that part) and poke things in the tide pools.  It has become a family tradition to go to Salt Creek in the summer with my family when we all visit.  We use it as an opportunity to turn into camera whores and take a zillion pictures.  This time we were missing two of my sisters and my mom.

Me and Shilo.  It was absolutely GORGEOUS!  The water was actually warm.

Me and two of my sisters, A and R.  Also with Shilo and Ruby.  I think that's my sister's new fiance in the background on the left.

Striking a pose under a cool rock formation.

Me and my honey B!  Our pups are so cute sitting exactly the same way!

My dad with only part of his entourage of (there's always at least two or three PMSing) vixens!

The house where I grew up.  My dad built half of it by himself.  The town is so small that when you tell people you live in the purple house they say "oh yeah, I know where that is."

Old lady Ruby Tuesday waiting for the ferry.  It was really hot and we got ice cream!

Not a great pic of me...but Shilo looks so cute!


 

So a few weeks back I tried to add a slide show to my blog...I failed miserably!  I ended up adding a page in the menu titled 11 years of Adventure and I linked a flickr page with a few pictures of my husband and I depicting all our shananigans over the course of our relationship.  I had them in chronological order but then I tried to add a photo and fucked it all up.  Sorry.  I tried.  Why do they make this computer shit so fucking complicated?

BFN...Big Fat Check

Okay, I just have to say that I really don't know how to write this post.  I am feeling embarrassed, guilty, relieved...I feel like I have survivors guilt.

First off, I got my period on Friday morning.  So IUI #2 was a BFN.  I knew it was going to be and although I almost cried while getting ready for work it wasn't nearly as bad as last time.  I had a super busy day with all five of my nanny kids and the day went as smoothly and as quickly as it could have.  As soon as I got off work I had to rush to rehearsal and dance in the heat for 2.5 hrs.  Then I went home and grabbed my husband and dogs and we drove out to the Olympic Peninsula where my parents live.

We got to their house around 10pm and my mom had ordered us pizza.  We all sat around talking and catching up and of course the subject of our fertility treatments came up.  My mom asked, "how is all that going?"  and I replied "Great!  I just got my period this morning."  We talked more about the drugs and IUIs and what we think our Dr. is going to recommend next.  My mother and I have already had conversations about this and my dad is in the loop on everything also.  As we are getting up and down to grab another drink and deal with dogs etc. I catch my mother giving my dad not so secret looks and whispering about "do it now", before A(other sister) and her boyfriend arrive the next day.  I pretend to have the observation skills of a 4 yr old and not notice.  So finally after whispering back and forth for two minutes in front of my husband and I, my mother says "well, we have a birthday present for both of you."  Our birthday's are 3 weeks apart.  He is a year older just to clarify.  She says, "I am not sure you will like it..."  B (husband) and I roll our eyes and laugh and say "okay, what is it?"  My mother says, "we are giving you 15,000 dollars for IVF."

I immediately burst into tears.  Apparently my dad immediately burst into tears but I was too busy crying to notice.  It was so unexpected and not how I thought things were going to happen.  I am elated that we don't have to waste years saving our money and can jump right into IVF if that is truly the next step for us.  However I am so guilty!  I feel like a little rich brat whose mommy and daddy are bailing her out and saving the day.  My parents have not ever had money.  They raised 5 daughters on basically one income.  My mom supplemented by running her own cleaning business, meaning that when my dad got off work from his day job they would go and clean offices and stores until late at night.  8 years ago they went through bankruptcy.  They had over 25 credit cards before that and then they had no credit at all.  I had everything I ever needed growing up but we were spoiled with love and support not material possessions.

I started babysitting when I was 11 so I could make my own money.  I had a job in a restaurant by the time I was 14.  I moved 3 hrs away to the big city when I was just 16 and I was supporting myself completely by the time I was 17.  Just two years ago I gave my dad $800 for a plane ticket because of a death in the family and he couldn't afford to get to the funeral.  This is the life I have had and I am so grateful that I know how to work hard, I know how to earn the things I want.  Because I work hard to earn them I appreciate them so much more.  Now what I want the most in this lifetime is being handed to me on a silver spoon.  It's fucking weird! 

Things have changed for my parents in the last year.  My father's mother passed away last September.  She was very wealthy and even though my dad has four other siblings he is getting quite a bit of money.  He was able to pay off their entire mortgage and bought a new (used) car.  My grandmothers house is about 45 minute from L.A. in a very upscale neighborhood overlooking a golf course.  The siblings are going to sell it but are fist doing some upgrades.  When the house does sell then my dad gets more money.  In the meantime he has made several payments into my sister's and my student loan accounts and started playing the stock market.  He has become obsessed with stocks!  Every time his stocks go up even sometimes just $75 he sells it.  Kind of a ridiculous and time consuming strategy but so far in 4 months he has made $10,000.  So things are not what they once were. 

I am just still in disbelief that they have money and are able to just give us $15,000.  I am trying to justify accepting the money (I didn't ever think about turning it down, are you kidding?!) by telling myself that they are doing it for themselves as much as for me.  They want us to be happy and they want a grand baby!

It doesn't change the guilt I feel when I think about my fellow infertile ladies who just like me as of 4 days ago are paralyzed from doing IVF because of the money.  It's so unjust that health insurance companies (I am talking about the majority) don't cover IVF and other treatments.  As so many people before me have said, if your body doesn't produce enough or too much insulin and you have diabetes, it's covered.  If you get cancer, it's covered.  If your thyroid is too low or too high, it's covered.  If your dick can't get hard, it's covered!  Yet your reproductive system has some missing links and sorry ladies, you just have to suck it up and deal.  Unless you have a good job with amazing insurance or you just have a good job where you make a lot of money then you don't get to procreate...the most basic and natural functions of the human body.  It's fucked that you have to be in a certain income bracket to "buy" a baby.  Fucked.

Please don't write me off as a coddled princess...I swear to god that is not me!  I feel like everyone is going to tell me they are happy for me and that I am lucky but they will really be cursing me and calling me a spoiled bitch.  That's what I would do.  I am sure you are all much nicer people than I am.  (I hope!)  

Okay, besides that news I have more.  My sister and her boyfriend announced that they are engaged!  So I get to help plan a wedding for next summer.  I am pretty excited about it.  I am hoping that I will be very, very pregnant at the wedding!