I went to work at 8am. I had a really challenging day with my nanny families. I had to do my usual morning routine of getting the three kids dressed and lunches packed up and I drove them to school. It's usually a difficult first hour but it's more difficult than normal because their house is under going major renovations and they shouldn't even be living there but have no other option. So I am making lunches with just a microwave and a utility sink because we are all banished to an unfinished basement with a concrete floor and all their belongings in boxes. The kids have their shit ALL over the place so a simple task like finding a pair of matching shoes becomes a 20 minute scavenger hunt. It is mad chaos and I am surprised I have any hair left by the end of my 6 hour shift because I feel like ripping it our for about 5 of those hours. Did I mention I love the brats?
So anyway I get the 6 and 4 year olds off to their two different schools and then take the remaining 2 yr old sibling to my other nanny family's house to pick up our share kid who is 2 and 3/4. We quickly rush downtown to go to a kids concert at the opera house. I suffer through the totally obnoxious show following along with the songs and miming out all the gestures while my kids sit there like well behaved zombies. After 45 min of watching past middle aged twin sisters in matching blue jumpsuits singing, dancing and doing sign language about going to the zoo or some shit it is finally over. I hustle my nanny kids through the crowd of yuppy parents who have nothing better to do on a Friday morning than speak to their children in a baby voice and feed them goldfish crackers and fruit snacks at 9:30 in the morning. Judgemental? Yes. I have been around rich, overcompensating, clueless parents for too long. Bitter? Fuck yes!
|These are actually the real twin sisters!!!|
I get the 2 girls to the zoo and we have a pretty good time for couple of hours until we are about 15 minutes away from needing to leave to go pick up the 4 year old from school. The girls are in a little play area in the farm animal section of the zoo. There is a cute gate with giant carrots that I think would make for a great picture so I try to get the girls to pose for me so I could send the pics to their moms. If you have ever tried to get two toddlers to pose at once you know this is damn near impossible so after about a dozen terrible photos I try one last time and as I am trying to focus the camera on my phone (which is brand new but has the shittiest camera!) I notice the younger 2 yr old with a familiar grimace on her face. Brow furrowed, jaw set, determination in her eyes. I shout oh my god! Are you pooping??? She immediately denies it but I am already running them both into the bathroom which miraculously was close by and empty. It might have been a handicap bathroom but I consider shit in your pants a handicap. Ok so she is still in a diaper but she is so close to being potty trained it's stupid.
|not actually my real nanny kid but it looked kinda like this.|
I manage to stick the kid on the toilet before anything happens in the diaper. She does her thing and tells me she is done. It goes like this:
Kid #1: (on toilet) "I done!"
Me: "are you sure sweetie? Why don't you try a little bit longer?"
Kid #1: "NO! I done!
Me: (looking in potty at giant poop) "Ok, I guess that looks like you probably are done."
I wipe her up and re-diaper her and then stick the Kid #2 on the potty dismissing her protests.
Kid #2: "I don't want to go! I only want to potty at MY house!"
Me: "just try for a minute while we are here and see what happens''
Kid #2: "NO! I don't have to go!"
Kid #1: "Reecee? (thats me) I pooping!"
Me: "ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS!!!!"
Immediately rip Kid #2 off potty and pull down Kid #1's pants/diaper....too late. Runny poop already landed in diaper. Did I mention before we are about to now be late to pick up 4 year old from school? So here's where this story actually gets entertaining. As I am playing musical potty and literally with shit on my hands (It happens people. Way too often!) I hear my phone buzz with a text. Why would I answer it you think? I mean I have shit on my hands! I am thinking it might be the mom of the 4 year old making sure I am the one picking him up so I answer it. Wrong. It's my BF texting me to tell me that she is 5 weeks pregnant. So with two fussing toddlers in a handicap bathroom, stressed that I am going to be late and with shit on my hands I burst into tears.
My BF has a 4 year old already. When she and her husband decided to try to get pregnant the first time they planned a vacation (probably not even knowing when she was going to ovulate) with the intention of making a baby and they did. She came back from their trip and a week later got a BFP. That's what I am dealing with here friends. She told me about two months ago that she was going to start TTC this coming August so I was mentally preparing myself for this to happen but I was holding on to a shred of hope that maybe, just maybe I would get pregnant first. Why they didn't stick to the plan and wait until August I don't know.
So I was/am pretty devastated for the rest of the day/my life. I sucked it up until I got off work and then I let the tears flow as I drove home. I texted B (husband) as soon as I got in the door. Here's our text exchange.
Me: "BF just texted me that she's five weeks pregnant :( "
B: "Sorry honey"
Me: "I am sitting on the toilet crying"
B: "Noooo Reecee. We are going to have a baby and it's going to be waaaay cuter than BF's. I know it's not fair that it's harder for us, but you can't lose faith. I love you and I hope you're preggers right now!"
|this is not actually me.|
Isn't that the best text ever?! My husband is awesome but he does not always say the right things. This was one time when he said EXACTLY what I needed to hear. So then I cried because I am so lucky to be TTC with him!
(Disclaimer to my BF in case you ever come across this blog and read this, we of course absolutely do not REALLY mean that we think our baby will be cuter than yours. We are just insanely jealous and have to say things like this to ourselves to make us feel better. Please do not take it personally. I love you and you make beautiful babies.)
So now after all that mushy butterflies and sunshine we get back to the reality of my current situation. I didn't even get to see B that night because I was performing out of town and I left before he got home. I was sharing a bedroom and bathroom with 3 other girls for the weekend. I woke up early before anyone else was really awake on Sat am. I tossed and turned for a bit and had a familiar feeling. I snuck out to the bathroom trying not to wake anyone and sure enough, there was my period. My heart dropped into my stomach. I was 99% sure that I was not pregnant and that our first IUI was going to be a BFN but still. Paired with the failure of our first IUI and the news of my BF's BFP, it was just too much. I tried so hard to just brush it off and suck it up. I went back into the bedroom where a few girls were starting to wake up and I knew I just had to get out of there! I threw on clothes from the day before and got directions to a coffee shop even though everyone was going to make breakfast together. I felt really bad for being rude to our hosts and not joining in with breakfast but I had to be by myself because I needed to lose my shit in private. I felt like a drama queen for acting so picky and princessy but I needed to let out all my tears so I could get through the rest of the day. And I knew that if I stayed there and lost my shit in front of everyone I would be way more of a drama queen.
I walked in the rain (it was totally like a bad movie) and cried and cried. I got to the coffee shop and then wrote my BF a text. I had already been feeling guilty that I hadn't responded to her. I am sure she was wondering why I was ignoring her big news. I was honest. I told her that of course I am happy for her but it is really hard for me. It's not fair that everyone else and their mother (literally!) gets to get pregnant with ease while we have been on an emotional and financial roller coaster for 3 years. I feel left out, lonely, sad, bitter, angry and it makes me think horrible thoughts about people I love and then I hate myself for thinking and feeling that way. It's like an emotional prison sentence. Everyone gets to plan their life and proceed into the future but I don't. I just get to grow old. My plan was to have a baby before I turned 30. Then have another before 35. Here I am about to turn 32 and I have no idea when or how a baby is going to come to me. I find myself repeating a phrase I said 10 million times while I was growing up, IT'S NOT FAIR!
It has been 5 days since my BF told me she is preggo. It's been 4 days since I got my period. The shock has worn off a little. I had wonderful support from Teresa at impatiently waiting in the first several hours after AF arrived. Her empathy was so kind, I truly felt like she was holding my hand for the rest of the day. She periodically checked in with me and made it so much easier for me to pull myself together. I am eternally grateful that I found her and all of you while in the darkest time of my life (god I hope this is the darkest!). Just over a month ago I felt utterly alone and like no one in the world could possibly know how shitty this infertility struggle can be. Man, was I wrong! I don't know if misery loves company or what but it is so comforting to know that other women are going through exactly what I am going through. Other women have gone through worse than what I am experiencing and they have conquered it.
So what is next? I started taking my fourth round of Letrozol (Femera) on Sun. I set up an ultrasound to count follicles on CD12 next Wed and we will proceed with our second IUI. It's really bad timing with my student's dress rehearsal and dance recital so I am not sure that I will have the time to go in for the IUI if I ovulate on the wrong day. I am crossing my fingers I wont ovulate until CD 16. I usually ovulate between CD13 -CD 18 so cross your fingers for me.
And thanks for reading this really ridiculously long post.