A love letter to you and an update.

My Play Dough egg and sperms that I made at work.

Here's a captivating mid cycle update for you:

Took Clomid CD 3-8 (first cycle on Clomid) Aug.20-24

Got a FSH shot on CD 9 (first one I have ever had) Aug. 25

Started peeing on OPKs on CD 10 Aug. 26

Ultrasound on CD 12 - Aug. 28th - Right side had two biggish follicles, both 17.5 (they were right on top of eachother) and one smaller 13.5 folly.  Left side had a few that were smaller.  Lining looked good.  Nurse thought I wouldn't ovulate for several more days.

Ultrasound scheduled for CD 15, Sat. at 10:15 am.  Unless I get a positive on the OPK before then.  If not then I will have the ultrasound and then probably get a trigger shot and then have my 5th IUI on Sunday which will be CD 16. 

Once again the timing has magically worked out so I can squeeze all the appointments into my schedule.  It's about to get harder because I am going to start teaching dance again after Labor day.  I wont have as many free afternoons to schedule things. 

Clomid hasn't been terrible to me, thank god!  The most noticeable side effect was hot flashes.  I am always cold and really don't get overheated very easily (thank you low thyroid!)  but the last week I have been clamy and had some sweaty hot flashy moments.  I definitely was moody and depressed but that's not new.  I could also have been feeling more melancholy because I was kind of expecting to be taking a break from all the drugs and IUIs while we moved on to preparing for IVF.  I was looking forward to that break but it's OK.  I am ok to just power through a couple cycles of Clomid and FSH shot and a few more IUIs in hopes of avoiding IVF altogether.  And if it isn't successful then I will still have peace of mind that we really did try everything and exhaust all our other options.  At that point I will get my break before IVF anyway.

I have had a couple of moments recently of realizing how much blogging in this community has helped my mental state.  I started blogging on May first after a few weeks of stalking all your blogs.  After contacting Teresa at Where the bleep is our stork? and exchanging a few emails, she really encouraged me to start my own blog.  I am beyond grateful that she pushed me to be brave.  At that point I was really struggling emotionally.  I felt like no one in my life understood what I was going through and I felt so incredibly lonely and sad.  I felt disconnected from my friends and family and the isolation was killing me.  I really felt like I was going crazy and needed therapy.   It was rough.

Back around that time I wrote an email to my sisters co-worker, someone I have met at parties a few times, who is going through her own fertility struggles.  I was just trying desperately to connect with someone in my situation.  Something was wrong with the email address and the long email I wrote to her never got sent.  I saw her recently at my sister's birthday and told her I tried to write to her.  She basically knew the context of my email and was very receptive about communicating with me and gave me her correct email address before she left.  I still haven't emailed her.  I am sure I will at some point but my point is I don't feel so desperate.  I don't feel like I need to recruit fellow infertile comrades to my pity party.  I have you guys!  Awww.  Don't you feel special and important?  But truly, you should feel that way because it's real. 

When I was at my fertility clinic yesterday I picked up a flyer for a IF support group.  I read it and put it back.  In that moment I realized that blogging has really saved me...back in may I would have been all over that support group.  Now I just don't feel like I need it.  I feel connected to all your stories and struggles and I feel like your comments really make me feel like you all got my back.  It makes me feel calmer knowing I have a group of amazingly strong ass women who totally understand what I am going through.  You listen to my whining, complaining, ranting, ambivalence and darkest fears.  I am so appreciative of your comments, advise, commiserating and encouragment!

Thank you, thank you, thank you!


Ok, maybe the Clomid is effecting me.  This turned into a super mushy post. 

A few things you maybe wanted to know and a shit ton more you didn't.

In the spirit of my first time participating in the ICLW I thought I would throw out some random facts about me.  I am making this up as we go so watch out!  (I am giving factual answers, I just have no idea what I'm going to say!)  If you want our official background in quick nitty gritty form then click Here! 

Facts:

1)  I am named after my grandmother and my aunt.  My sisters all got really cool Gaelic names, still bitter about that.  My husband came up with my favorite nickname for me years before we were a couple and it's my alter ego.

2) When I was two and my sister was one day old, I squatted and peed on her face.

3) I recently (last Nov.) broke the first bone ever broken in my body.

4) My top 5 favorite foods in no particular order are: Avocados, cheese, chocolate, pesto, orange cherry tomatoes.

5) According to my blood type, A+, I should eat a vegetarian diet and what do you know?  I AM a vegetarian already!  Been one since I was 18 so it's been...14 years!

6)  I have only been to 10 states.  Technically I had layovers in NJ and GA but that probably shouldn't count.

7) I have been to 10 European countries.  And I have been to Canada.  I actually grew up so close the boarder my husband calls my hometown Canada. 

8) I am a total dog person, OBSESSED with Pit bulls.  At some point in my life (hopefully not too long from now)  I will be a Pit bull foster parent and be more involved in Pit bull rescue and adoption.  Right now I have a 10.5 yr old Pit/Aussie shepherd mix and a yr old Pit bull.  They are incredibly spoiled. 

9) Lost my virginity at 16 and did not use a condom....so dumb.  Thank god I don't have stds. 

10) I really do love to read but I am so lazy about it.  I tend to go through phases of being sucked into a book or a series and then not picking one up for months.

11)  I love physical activity.  I am a dancer, have been my whole life.  I went to college for dance and continue to perform.  I became a Pilates instructor in 2008 and love doing/teaching Pilates.  I took up running several years ago and although it sucked balls for months and months, I now love it and wish fucking IF didn't fuck with my regular running routine.  I love swimming and wish I could do it more often.  I taught myself all the strokes and got really good at side breathing...I was super proud of myself.  I walk my dogs everyday.  I love going to hot yoga!  It is the most miserable experience and I love it.  I really want to learn how to paddle board...I think I would be great at the balance aspect of it.

12)  I also love to be lazy and not do shit all day long.  But then it makes me depressed because I feel like I "wasted" my time by not taking full advantage of my day off.

13) Although I think I eat a very healthy diet compared to the majority of Americans, I LOVE fatty, creamy, sugary, salty, carby foods and constantly have to keep myself in check...or not.

14)  In addition to being a wine/cocktail lover, I also smoke weed.  Now before you get all Judgy McJudgerson on me, first let me say that I truly believe that it's no different from drinking alcohol.  I was upfront and honest with our RE and she wasn't concerned.  She said there is no data about marijuana use in women and a connection to IF.  Just like alcohol she said to limit it when I can.  Just like my nightly glass of wine (or two) I use it to help me decompress from my day and it tames my crazy bitch beast that lurks to get out from time to time.  Everything in moderation is my motto.  It is also legal where I live.  Thank god!  Also, just for the record I have quit said alcohol and marijuana to get more serious about the prospect of IVF.  I want to be totally sober for at least 3 months before egg retrieval if that is indeed where we are headed.  Now you can judge me. 

15)  I love to shop.  Clothes and shoes mostly but also jewelery or accessories.  I also love to grocery shop.  I think I just really enjoy spending money that I don't have.

16)  I have been accused of tail gating people when I drive although I dispute this wholeheartedly.

17)  I have 7 piercings but no tattoos.

18)  My husband proposed to me on top of the Empire State Building.  It sounds so cheesy but it was 1am and the place was empty, no one was there.  We were tipsy and it was simple and romantic.  I cried.

19)  I am 100% agnostic and 99% atheist.  My husband is 1,000% atheist.  With a passion.  I believe in ghosts so I have to acknowledge there may be some sort of afterlife?  Lapse of time?  I like to think I am a spiritual person but really I am full of shit.  I don't think there is a higher power sitting up in the heavens helping to guide me through this life.  I think I am just a pile of cells shuffling around a bunch of other piles of cells.  I don't think things happen for a reason.  I think you can find reasons out of accidents.  

20)  I am 32 and my husband is 33.  We have been TTC for about 36 failed cycles.  Never seen a BFP...ever.

21)  Elliot Smith might be my favorite musician.  I also love Bob Dylan, Fleet Foxes, Queen, Alicia Keys, Rolling Stones, Selda and a shit ton more.

22)  Breakfast is my least favorite meal.  Give me a croissant or maple bar at 10:30 and I'm happy.

23)  As much of a cliche as it may sound, the best vacation my husband and I have been on was to Maui, Hawaii.  It was AMAZING!  Want to go back so badly.

24)  I am the oldest of five girls.  My sisters are all taller than me.  When I am an old lady I will probably be 4"8'.  No joke.

25)  I played the flute pretty seriously until I was 16.  I quit to focus more on my dancing.  I regret not keeping up with it on my own and really want to buy a flute and start taking lessons again.  I loved being a musician and especially playing in a symphony!

Okay, I think that's good enough for now.  Hope that gives you more of an idea about who I am!    

Hello ICLW! (did I do it right? I hope so!)

Assuming I followed the directions correctly you probably found me through the ICLW.  I'm not very good with the tech computer stuff so I hope I didn't screw it up!

I hope you poke around my blog and read every last juicy detail about me and my battle for a baby but here is a quick overview:

Met my husband when I was 17.  We didn't date until my 21st birthday.  We were a hot item for 7 long years before we got married in Aug. 2009.

By then we had 2 dogs who we treated like children.

He is a visual artist and I am a dancer/pilates instructor/nanny.

We started TTC in Aug. 2010 and thought we would be pregnant shortly after.  We were so excited!

Nothing happened.  After a year I started to get concerned.

Since then I have done:

Weekly acupuncture appts.  for 10 months.  Loved it but had to stop because it was too expensive and not working.

Started seeing a specialist at a fertility clinic

Learned I have a slightly low thyroid and was put on meds.  Been on that for almost a year and a half.

Learned I probably have endometriosis and that is probably the cause of our infertility.  Husband checks out fine.

One of our dogs get cancer and on top of all my fertility appts. I add visits to the vet, doggie oncologist and surgeon to my hectic schedule.  I am absolutely broken hearted and terrified!  Life so beyond stressful.   Dog has multiple surgeries including an amputation of right front leg and scapula.  We hope for the best. 

Endometriosis cause polyps in my uterus so I had surgery in July 2012 to remove over 20!   Dr. now thinks there is a good shot we can get pregnant on our own so off we go to get busy.

Nothing happens.

Dog heals from amputation but cancer spreads and he declines rapidly.  We have to put him to sleep on Aug. 18th 2012.  The life gets sucked out of me and I am so sad, angry and having such a hard time trying to cope.  Pretty much my darkest moment.

Still TTC with no results.

I break my foot in Nov. 2012 while teaching a dance class.  Now I have to add orthopedic Dr. visits, physical therapy and therapeutic massage to my list of appts.  I was in a boot for 2 months which was challenging for all my jobs teaching dance and pilates.  I was also rehearsing for a big dance project and didn't want to quit so again life was stressful and emotional.

I convince my husband that the only way for me to be happy again is to either get pregnant or get another dog.  We obviously are incapable of the first one so we adopt a puppy in Jan 2013.  

March 2013 we finally get back into the fertility clinic to figure out why the hell we haven't gotten pregnant yet.  Dr. wants me to take Letrozole/Femara and try IUIs.  We decide to do 2 months of just letrozole and then add IUIs for the 3-6 cycles.

Nothing happens.

This brings us to now.  Just had a consultation with my Dr. yesterday.  Before moving onto IVF she wants us to switch to Clomid and do 2 or 3 more IUIs.  She also wants to add FSH injections on day 9 of my cycle.  So that's the plan.  I started Clomid yesterday.

I am happy that there is something else to try before IVF is our only option.  I am a little sad that I am not getting to take a break from all this for a few months like I thought was going to happen.  I had big plans of getting back into my regular running routine and going to hot yoga.  That is just impossible when you are doing IUIs.  Every TWW I get too paranoid that exercise is stressing my body out just enough to deny an embryo to implant.  I know it's stupid but we are paying a lot of money to make this happen and I don't want to wonder if it's not working because I went for a run.

I am not the most positive person.  I always jump to the worst conclusion.  It's just how I cope.  My blog consists of a lot of complaining and whining.  I swear, I rant, I talk shit about people I love.  It's a place for me to be honest about my feelings and try to sort through the emotional baggage this TTC journey is causing me.  If this sounds remotely like something you would like to read then I hope you follow my blog!  

Let's talk about a different kind of follicle for a change.

You guys...I cut my hair!  I realize this is probably not very exciting for you but I have had the same long ass hair for at least 8 years!  I loved my long hippie hair.  It was kind of my thing.  I had the longest hair out of all of my sisters.  I had the longest hair out of all of my friends.  I had the longest hair out of all my co workers and clients.  For 8 years!  It was a long term, committed relationship I had going on with my hair.

I decided I had to cut it for a few reasons.  Here they are (just in case you wanted to know):

1)  The last two years I was in two dance projects where I had to wear my hair down and it got beat to shit.  People pulled it, dragged me across the stage by my hair, it got stepped on and I even had to get inside a trunk and have the lid closed with my hair hanging out of it.  This last year I had to curl and rat it up into the biggest messiest fro a white girl with straight hair can have for every single performance and dress rehearsal.

2)  Every time I have had a short(er) hair cut I have HATED it!  This might be because I was usually the person who gave myself the hair cut but still...I have never had a hair cut above my shoulders that I have liked.  I felt like it had been too long since I had tried something different and I needed to give it another chance just to prove to myself once and for all that I really do hate my hair when it is short. 

3)  I have been feeling like I need a change.  There is so much about this shitty infertility life that I have been living for the last 3 years that I have no control or power over.  I felt like I wanted to do something dramatic to shake things up and try to trick myself into thinking I hold the puppet strings to this little docudrama.

I mostly always post pics that are somewhat ambiguous and maybe slightly anonymous because basically no one in my life really knows about my blog.  My husband does but he is sworn to not read it (even though he is well aware of the name and could totally be reading it behind my back when he is at work).  There are a few people who don't know that we are infertile (very few) and I wanted to be able to not censor myself when talking about my friends or family.

Anyway, that's all about to change.  (And really, I have posted so much information about myself and my life that if any of my friends or coworkers came across my blog they would have to be the biggest moron to not figure out it's me!)  I feel like in order to show you what a big deal this is to me I have to post pics....so here they are!

The Before:

Performing last weekend.  You can see how I had to rat it so really it was even longer when it was washed and straight.

The After:

Right when I got home from the salon so it looks perfect.

Why yes!  That is a baby bunny that I am holding!  I'm saving that for a another post!

So I did it!  And I don't hate it!  I was scared to do bangs because I never really think they look good on me but I like these ones!  So that's all.  Just a post about my hair. 

Sisters = Bitches

Okay, not really.  Kinda, but I don't mean it.  Well I mean it just a little bit right now, I'll get over it eventually. 

I have four little sisters.  I am two years older than the sister after me.  When we were little we were the best of friends and played together all the time.  We were home schooled so we had lots of time to play.  When I hit puberty things changed as it often does.  I was the "cool" sister who listened to Nirvana and wore tie dye with ripped Jeans and Kurt Cobain sweaters from thrift shops.  My sister, not wanting to be like me, started wearing Little House on the Prairie dresses and blossom hats.  She was known to wear over sized t-shirts with cats on them.  I started driving around town aimlessly with friends who had cars and she started going to sing in a church choir.  I had no older sister role model to look up to so I paved my own way in discovering who I was.  My sister had me to look up to and decided to go in the opposite direction.  Hey, that's cool.  Do your own thing, be your own person.  I was happy to not share the same interests or god forbid a wardrobe with her! 

This brings me to the true focus of this post.  My sister is getting married.  She just got engaged about a month or so ago.  The wedding is next summer.  Every one was happy.  Was.  Now I am not.  True to my blog name, I am now PISSED! 

My sister has decided that she wants to wear the same dress that I wore when I got married.  I am not talking about a white dress.  Or a white tea length dress.  Or a white tea length dress with dotted Swiss.  I am talking about the exact same fucking dress.  Okay so it's not exactly the same, there are about two very tiny differences, but it is essentially the same dress.  It has the same neckline, the same straps, the same back, the same overall shape and style, the same material (dotted swiss over the top of a solid fabric), the same waistline and the same length. 

She openly admits it looks just like my dress...her attitude is "I told you I loved your dress when you picked it, I wasn't blowing smoke up your ass!"  That's a direct quote from our FB fight we had last week about it.  This makes me furious!  I loved my dress and I don't want to "share" it with anyone.  Realistically I know that someone somewhere in the world has worn my dress to their wedding but that doesn't change how I feel about my sister deciding she wants to wear it.  I would NEVER copy anyone else's style even if I absolutely loved it.  I would be embarrassed to.  I don't understand why she doesn't want her wedding dress to be uniquely her own style and independent of anything any of her friends or family have previously worn.  That's what I was going for when I chose my dress and now I feel like she is stealing it from me.  And now she is acting all bitchy about how me being upset about her wearing the same dress is "shitting all over her day" and I'm not being supportive.  BS! 

Every one of my other sisters have just rolled their eyes and told me to get over it because nobody remembers what I wore anyway.  Yeah, that makes me feel better.  My mother lectured me about how It's my sister's day and she can wear whatever she wants and I need to be nice and support her decision. 

Here's the thing,  I literally could give two shits about any other aspect of my wedding.  She could copy every detail from that day and I probably wouldn't understand why but I would shrug my shoulders and move on.  But fuck with my dress and my shoes and I will cut a bitch!  I hate that this bothers me so much but it fucking does. 

I wish this was really me...

Thoughts?  Am I a crazy monster?

Ps.  This post didn't include any mention of TTC or babies or IUI!  Nada!  You are welcome. 

Cant keep my shit together...

This last week was something else.  I don't know what my problem is but apparently I am having major brain malfunction.  I had two GIANT fuck ups at two of my jobs...the kind of fuck ups where you fuck up, it's entirely your fault, you have no excuse for yourself, you look like an irresponsible asshole and you have that horrible rock of guilt and self hate sitting in the pit of your stomach.

That bad really?  Oh yes.  That bad.  The first one happened Monday.  I wont even write about it because I don't want to incriminate myself.  Seriously.  It was that bad.  This fuck up actually went unnoticed and no one knows what happened except my husband and my sister whose shoulders I sobbed on as I confessed what a colossal shit for brains I am.  All I will say is that I have NEVER come even close to making that kind of a mistake in the 10 years I have been doing this job and I scared the shit out of myself.  I am SO, SO, SO lucky that A)no one was hurt, B)the cops weren't called and C)I wasn't fired on the spot.  So lucky. I realize that you are all DYING to know what I did.  Sorry to be a tease but I am taking this one with me to the grave!

I spent the rest of the week recovering from the first giant fuck up and made it to Friday without further incident.  On Friday I worked until mid afternoon and then had a bajillion errands to run to prepare for my husband's Art Show/Sale/Party that we hosted at our house on Sat. night.  He basically turned our whole house into an art gallery.  Needless to say there was an ass load of cleaning, rearranging, shopping and food prep to do.  And my sister and her Fiance were moving.  I went over to their new house and spent two hours helping them unpack before turning around and starting all my chores.  Friday was a LONG day.  I finally fell into bed around midnight not having any thoughts about the next day except for our party.

Giant fuck up #2.  I wake up at 8:30 thinking about all the preparations I still have to do before our party starts at 4pm.  I am lying in bed checking my FB on my phone when at 9:05 it starts to ring.  I immediately recognize the number as one of my studios where I teach.  Where I usually teach the Sat 9 am class every other week.  As the wave of panic starts to wash over me I start to put together that the only reason they would be calling me at 9:05 on Sat morning is probably because I am supposed to be teaching the class...the class that started 5 minutes earlier.  I jump out of bed trying to figure out how this could seriously be happening right now.  Basically it comes down to me not checking my online schedule the night before...like I always do.  I am technically only supposed to teach every other Sat. and I had taught the week before so subconsciously I was thinking it wasn't my turn.  But honestly I just didn't even think about the class at all before I went to bed.  It was like I didn't even remember that I have worked there for the last five years.  What is wrong with me???

So I had to call my work and tell them I didn't look at the schedule because...uh, ....(please insert your excuses here because I got nothing!)  So embarrassing.  Luckily another teacher was there to take my class and was able to step in and teach for me so class just got a late start.  I still have to face my boss though. :(  I wrote her an email basically just saying I had no excuse for myself and I feel really stupid.  She has not responded yet.  So I don't even know if I will have a job there anymore.  I hope I am being dramatic but seriously I just don't know.  She is very over reactive to situations when you call in sick or even when you put in a time off request well in advance.  She always acts like it's a huge inconvenience and is stressed out about it so I can't imagine she will take this very well.  We'll see what happens.  I guess there is nothing I can do at this point so it is what it is.

Let's try to be positive for a moment.  The art party was a smashing success!  My husband had over 30 mixed media collages that he hung salon style on three of our living room walls.  He hung a dozen oil paintings in our dining room and office.  We took all six dining room chairs down to our basement so the table was unobstructed and we could use it as a buffet for all the appetizers that I put together myself.  I worked my ass off cleaning the house (B did his share but was of course more concerned with hanging all the art) and making awesome appetizers.  Pretty much everything was finger food with the exception of a big southwest style quinoa salad.  I made Caprese shishkabobs, fruit shishkabobs and my sister made strawberry shortcake shishkabobs that guests dipped in vanilla bean whipped cream.  Yeah, we do it right!  I got many compliments on the spread.  I also kept getting told that our house was amazing which is always nice to hear.

The spread!

You all want to come to a party at my house right?

Not only was the party fun but it was also profitable!  B sold half of the collages and three oil paintings!  Basically he sold 50% of the show which was more than what we were hoping.  This was the first time we have tried having a gallery show at our house and the experiment was very successful!  We are already planning when we can do another one.

Check out the tiny red dots on the tags...all sold!  The one in the middle was bought by my dad via phone call the night before.  I like that one and I think that B was subconsciously inspired by our fertility struggle...it looks like the dye ultrasound of a pelvis right?  The fallopian tubes and ovaries?  And then the three peeled lemons at the bottom references that my ovaries are lemons.  Even the woman's covered face makes me think of how infertility is an isolating battle and a hidden "disease".  He claims this was never his intention, it's not a female pelvis and the lemons have no implied meaning but that is how I interpret that collage.  I am glad my dad bought it.  

Another red dot!

More red dots!

This morning I narrowly avoided fuck up #3 when at the last minute I realized that the rehearsal I thought I had to go to at 10 am in one part of the city was actually starting in 20 minutes (9am) in a completely different part of the city.  Seriously people, do I have a brain tumor?

On the fertility front:  I noticed this am that I had increased CM and that today was CD12 and I have not been using my OPKs.  Great.  I peed on the stick and sure enough it was positive.  However this was the test kit that gave me a false positive last month and then continued to be all over the place each time I tested so I wasn't trusting it's result.  I went out bought a new box of OPKs and then drank a bunch of water (which was good cause I am sooooo hungover!  I think I drank two bottles of white wine last night)  so I could pee on another stick.  Sure enough the new reader says I am ovulating.  On CD12.  So I got my period on CD27 last month and now I am ovulating on CD12.  I don't know what the fuck is up with my body.  It's like my body knows that this is our last attempt at Letrozole and IUI so it's saying "hurry up and get this shit over with lady!"

I got a hold of a nurse at my fertility clinic and told her what was going on and she said to have sex tonight and call in the morning to set up an appt. for an ultrasound and an IUI.  So now I am stressing out about getting off work early enough to go in for my last IUI.  I think I am going to skip the ultrasound.  I just cant get into the clinic early enough in the day to get the ultrasound done and then have B go in on his lunch break to masturbate into a cup (yummy lunch, huh?) and THEN go in for the IUI.  I have to work here people!  Especially since I may be one job lighter after talking to my boss about my giant fuck up #2!

So I am barely holding my life together right now.  I need to figure out how to get a grip and pull my shit together.  First step might be going to eat Mexican food.  Doesn't that sound so delicious right now?