Saturday, May 11, 2013

Even in my dreams...

I have pretty vivid dreams on a regular basis.  Sometimes I dream about someone I haven't seen or heard about in a really long time and then I will run into them the next day.  Doesn't happen all the time but it's happened enough times for me to notice.  My mother believes that I am psychic.  She thinks that it's a family trait passed from her mother to her and now to me.  My grandmother and my mother are from Ireland.  It's more normal to see fairies and talk to spirits in Ireland.  It's just part of the culture.  I should also let you know that my mother literally watched 40 hrs of alien cover up testimony last week so I take what she believes with a grain of salt...or the whole shaker.

Anyway, I had a dream a few weeks ago that I just cant stop thinking about.  Here it is:  My husband and I are at a grocery store and we are standing in line at the checkout.  There are two checkout lines, one for regular people and one for the elite, priority customers.  We are in the elite line.  (this makes sense because my husband works for Wholefoods and we get an employee discount so I think that's what that part of the dream was about).  I feel really guilty that we are able to be in the special line and check out right away because we have to walk past the long line of people standing and waiting in the other line while they glare at us.

I am pushing an umbrella stroller up to the check out counter and I cant see the baby or child that is sitting in it.  When we reach the counter I peer around the stroller to see my baby and it's a doll.  That's right, not a live child or baby but a rag doll.

I have been thinking about this for at least 2 weeks now.  Even in my dreams I don't get to have a baby.  My stupid brain is too smart for it's own good. 

Last summer my beloved dog (this dog meant EVERYTHING to me)  got cancer and after 3 different surgeries including an amputation we still had to put him to sleep.  It killed me.  I was already having the worst year of my life with our TTC getting more complicated and emotionally draining.  I couldn't (and still cant!) believe that, at least up to this point, not only could I not have my own baby but now my animal baby was getting taken from me way sooner that expected.  It was a serious blow to my soul.  If I believed in god we would have had some serious bitch fights.  

After my dog died all I wanted was to dream about him.  I went to sleep every night thinking about him, hoping he would visit me.  I wanted to pet him and kiss him and watch him run around with that giant mouth drooling and smiling.  I did dream about him but every time he appeared in my dreams he was dead.  He was either really sick and dying or like a zombie dog.  It was awful.  I was so mad that even when I was asleep my subconscious still knew he was dead and wouldn't let him be healthy and happy.  How shitty is that?

Anyway, I haven't been able to stop picturing that rag doll sitting in the stroller.  Anyone else have weird dreams like this?  


  1. Whoa. What the heck!? Those dreams sound nuts. I don't really ever remember many of mine. Maybe they just are not that cool.

    I wonder what the meaning is behind the rag doll!?
    Have you looked it up?

    1. BTW- I LOVE WHOLEFOODS!!! But I it takes my whole paycheck!

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  3. Hey! I'm glad you've joined the blog world, though I wish we had met under better circumstances, of course. I figured I would comment on here to answer your question about the trial. Basically it's a clinical trial in Manhattan comparing two protocols of IVF, conventional and mini. The procedures are free for all participants, which of course, is amazing (and the absolute only reason we are financially able to do IVF. We are normal people too and I have a bajillion dollars of student loan debt). Trial patients are just responsible for travel cost and medication, which ended being about $3,000 for me. If you want to know more you can send me a note at, I don't want to ramble on and on in your comments.

    I also love Whole Foods but I'm glad someone already made the joke about it being referred to as "Whole Paycheck." I'm super jealous of your elite discount there. I have very weird dreams - most common one is that my teeth all fall out (meaning: lack of control) and lately a tidal wave decimating everything (meaning: life is overwhelming). Yours are very literal, not sure if that's a good or a bad thing... you're right, dreams should be an escape, or at the very least should be more symbolic.

    I hope you don't even need to worry about the trial and you have success with your upcoming IUI. I'll be rooting for you!

  4. How did you find out about the clinical trail in the first place? That is an amazing opportunity you landed...I am jealous! And you get to go to Manhattan? Win, Win! Yes WF is fucking expensive. Tidal wave dreams are very scary, apocalyptic! I think dreams are your brain's way of trying to process what you are going through and are a reflection of your emotional state. Sounds like we are dreaming about exactly what we should be dreaming about considering the predicament we find ourselves in.

    1. It was the first hit on Google when I searched "IVF clinical trial" (and when I mentioned that to the study coordinator, he said, "Uh yeah, we pay big bucks to be the first result.") A friend of mine gave me the idea to search for trials since I couldn't afford IVF out of pocket. I definitely didn't think it would be so easy to find one. And I'm only a 2 hour drive from Manhattan, so it's perfect. I actually got sick of going back and forth for monitoring, if you can believe it.

  5. I'm cruising your archives. I have super strange dreams too. So completely heartbreaking that you lost your dog on top of dealing with fertility BS. I consider dogs family members and understand your pain.