So the other night my husband decided to full on pick a fight with me. We were in bed about to turn on breaking bad and I was in a perfectly fine mood. I think it started by B asking me when my period was due. I told him this weekend. He then asked when I would take HPT. Uh, duh. Never. I told him maybe if I still hadn't seen any sign of AF I would test on wed. Then I flippantly (still in a good mood) said "don't worry honey, I'll get my period this weekend. I'm not pregnant." Then he started to rip me a new asshole about how when I actually do get a BFP he will be so pissed at me if I'm not happy and am still negative. It got so heated and he was actually yelling at me and made me cry! This man does not yell at me or make me cry. Almost never. Its not like him. And he was yelling at me for something that hasn't even happened! WTF?
I got emotional because I was trying to explain that if I ever see a BFP (at this point I feel like it will never happen) I of course will be elated but the last 3 years has completely changed how I will feel about said BFP and the imaginary pregnancy that will follow. 3 years ago if I had gotten a BFP after even a year of TTC I would have announced on FB and called everyone I know right away. I would have assumed that I would bring the baby home and life would've been perfect. 3 years later I am not so naïve. I know a BFP does not mean you get to bring home a baby. And all the hurt and disappointment, bitterness and fear from the last 3 years will not just evaporate.
He just doesn't get this. I feel traumatized from IF and even if we do get a baby after all this bull shit of course I will be the happiest person in the world but I cant see myself skipping off into the sunset with baby in a carriage.
We made up, he apologized and we're fine now but I'm still thinking about it. Anyone else have these husband freak outs? How can you make them get what you are feeling when you can't articulate it?
Yep. I am usually the one flipping out on failed intercourse... and he gets mad that I am "always negative" when it comes to cycles working. He hates that I am always thinking about the next cycle. But after all these BFN and never once having a "this is a great chance cycle" he doesn't ask about the HPT anymore. It's like he knows... but has to remain positive because that is him- he likes to see the positive in all things. His is a good balance for me.
ReplyDeleteJust the other night at dinner he asked me if I think any of this TTC stuff, or seeing other families, or dad's bother him and I said that I am sure it does, but that he doesn't share any of it with me. If he does feel that way ever- I couldn't tell. I wish I could see more of his hurt- its not fair that I am the only one that voices it. I am glad you made up!
B is definitely more positive than I am...especially in the IF arena. Part of me gets irritated when he is so upbeat because I feel like he doesn't get it because he isn't physically experiencing the same things as me or having to schedule all the appointments that I have to go to or remember to do all the cycle tracking, pill popping, OPK testing, injections and IUIs! For god's sake, I even have to schedule his part of the IUI because it's based on when I am going to ovulate! I also have read so much more about everything IF related so part of me feels angry that he just doesn't even know because he hasn't put in the effort to read up on it. On the other hand I am so grateful that he is the positive voice in all this because it would be AWFUL if he wasn't!
ReplyDeleteAck! That is rough. Glad you made up. In my opinion (which could be complete BS) the reason guys are so upbeat about it is because they are in big time denial, which isn't necessarily a good thing. Like you said, we do most of the appointments and reading up about it and seek out support. Meanwhile they don't really seem to talk about it and so eventually they pop from the build up, as I'm sure they are hurting too, but express it very differently.
ReplyDeleteYes, denial is a big one...and not having a support system. My husband has only a few close friends and most are at work so its not like he is talking about our IF all the time!
DeleteYes, denial is a big one...and not having a support system. My husband has only a few close friends and most are at work so its not like he is talking about our IF all the time!
DeleteTo some extent, I think the men are stressed out too, but in their own way. And sometimes they deal with it by getting angry/picking fights (whereas it seems like our preferred method is crying/blogging).
ReplyDeleteIt's totally normal to fight, this is a helluva stressful thing that puts a strain on even the strongest marriage. But I also think hard times will bring you closer... that whole "in it together" thing, conquering an obstacle that only the two of you can really understand. But yeah. Rest assured that these fights are bound to happen, and are so totally normal. And I do think the men are naturally more optimistic about it all. For me it has helped to have Eric be so convinced that we'll get pregnant and stay pregnant eventually. Sometimes that helps me trick myself into believing him :)
Yes, B also is convinced that at some point I will get pregnant and we will have our baby. I hope we will have a baby but am doubtful about where that baby will come from...
DeleteYes, B also is convinced that at some point I will get pregnant and we will have our baby. I hope we will have a baby but am doubtful about where that baby will come from...
DeleteAny IF fights that Keegan and I have had are usually started by me. When I'm feeling really down, I usually just clam up instead of talking about my feelings, and when I get like that, Keegan likes to pick at me to try to get me to talk which usually just ends up in my crying and him not understanding why. I guess I deal with my feelings strangely.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I think it's easier for men to stay upbeat because, like you said, they're not the ones popping pills, taking OPKs, taking the injections, dealing with the doctors, making appointments, etc. IF is constantly on our brains because it has to be. We're always looking ahead to the next cycle because things like blood draws and ultrasounds have to be done on certain days, many of them just moments after we find out another cycle failed. Our guys don't have to think about that, so it's easier for them to stay upbeat, I think.
I also have a hard time telling Keegan why I'm not always the most upbeat about this journey. I think that he's starting to understand because I've been telling him about a few ladies I know that have gotten their BFPs, but still don't have a take home baby. I think that in general, people believe that once you get a positive test, you'll bring home a baby in a few months (I certainly thought that when we first started TTC,) but after being around this world for a few months (let alone a few years,) you realize that isn't the case.
Sheesh, sorry for the novel of a comment!
DeleteYou are so right about IF having to constantly be on our radar! Different pills on different days, different appointments on different days, there's a lot of scheduling that has to happen. As soon as I hit CD1 my calendar starts to fill up.
DeleteYou are so right about IF having to constantly be on our radar! Different pills on different days, different appointments on different days, there's a lot of scheduling that has to happen. As soon as I hit CD1 my calendar starts to fill up.
DeleteI'm sorry he picked a fight with you. You better be getting some flowers or chocolate some time soon. :)
ReplyDeleteI get annoyed when my hubby constantly analyzes my pee sticks and asks when my period is due and then when I know it is coming, he asks me every single time I go to the bathroom whether I started or not. I haven't blown up on him yet but man, I feel like it may be coming...!
Hmmmmm... I'm wondering if maybe all our husbands have blogs and touch base with each other on what to say. Although it sounds like they all say the wrong thing! My husband was Mr. Positive when it came to everything IF related. I am the type of person that likes to have a game plan and whenever I brought up money for IVF or looking into adoption he would basically blame me for my attitude/outlook being a reason we weren't pregnant yet. Sure, honey... it has NOTHING to do with my lack of ovulating. Or your lack of perfectly awesome swimmers. It's my attitude. Maybe if you got physically accosted by complete strangers all the freaking time, then you would have an attitude too.... :)
ReplyDelete