Super fucking PISSED!

Gaaaaahhhhhhh!  Fuuuuuuuuuuck!  God damnit, god damnit, god fucking damn it!  I want to punch someone in the face so fucking bad!  IF once again proves to be nothing but bull shit. 

I spent the morning calling my nurse, calling my financial counselor at the fertility clinic and calling her supervisor.  I am beyond irritated.  Those bitches are making me skip a whole cycle!  I am trying to put it in perspective and move on but I am pissed!  Here's the story. 

We started our IUIs in May.  We have done 5 total.  Our insurance company first said it wouldn't pay for them, then said they would and then said they wouldn't.  Our balance kept changing and it was confusing.  We would go online to pay our bill and there wouldn't be a balance.  I would write a check and it would get returned because we actually didn't owe anything.  And then two weeks later we would actually owe something.  At least 3 times while leaving one of my dozens of appointments I have checked out with a finance counselor and talked to them about it. 

The conversation went like this 3 times:

Me: I have no idea what we owe...it keeps changing. 

Finance counselor:
Hmm, this is weird.  Don't pay anything today and I will call your insurance and
find out exactly what they are and are not going to cover and we will get back to you.

Me: Ok, but you are not going to send us to collections or anything, right???

FC: *Laughing* Oh no!  Don't worry about that! 

Me: Ok, let us know....

Three times we had this conversation.  With a couple of different counselors so it's not like one person was doing a bad job. 

Here's Problem #1:
I start my period after IUI #5 is a BFN.  I call the clinic to report CD1 with my nurse and book my FSH shot for CD9 and US on CD14 (I am busy on CD12/13 when they normally schedule it).  The receptionist politely tells me she needs to transfer me to finance so I can take care of my balance before she is allowed to book me anymore appointments!  I am blacklisted!  Those bitches put me on a blacklist after telling me not to worry about it!!!  Why didn't they tell us there was a limit that prevented us from booking appointments?  I would have been much more on top of figuring out the bill if I had known they were going to cut me off.  We knew we were going to owe something and were just waiting for someone to tell us an exact amount that wasn't going to change for the hundredth time.

Here's Problem #2:
We have been planning on paying our balance with our insurance credit card.  Our insurance Co. gives us roughly $5000 at the beginning of the year on a credit card.  We can use that money to pay for any medical bills that are not covered by them.  The problem is we haven't activated those cards.  We have just been paying our medical bills out of pocket because so far it's only been a couple hundred bucks at a time.  So just activate the cards you say?  Shouldn't be a big deal right?  My husband calls them on Sat. and finds out that because we waited too long to activate them we now have to have new cards issued to us and it takes 2 weeks for them to be processed and delivered.

Cue me throwing tantrum and getting super pissy at B because I am annoyed that I have to be responsible for fucking EVERYTHING!  Why cant he have just dealt with this weeks ago!  I have been making passive aggressive remarks about how we need to activate the cards because at some point they will want us to pay them.  He would just agree with me but never did it.  It's not like he said he was going to do it and that was our agreement but for fucks sake, why couldn't he have just done it back in Aug. when I mentioned it like 25 times?  It's so annoying.  And of course he is all defensive and keeps saying "don't act like this is my fault!  You could have called them too!"  Oh, yeah, I should have called them to activate the cards in between getting my vagina poked at with a catheter, peeing on sticks every fucking morning, getting my blood drawn and having my Clomid hot flashes.  Yeah, that seems fair.  

 So now the deal is we owe $900 and I cant make that payment until the insurance card arrives in the mail and I call them and activate it and until we pay our bill we are not allowed to make any more appointments.  This means I will not be starting my second round of Clomid today like planned.  We have to skip this month which makes me really, really unhappy.  I wanted to power through this and be done with it.  I am so sick of all the fucking appointments and pill popping.  I wanted to get 7 IUIs done with and fucking move on.  I am so pissed and annoyed about having to take this cycle off it makes me just not want to do anymore drugs or IUIs and just call it done.  I hate that B's attitude is "well we'll just skip this cycle and do it again next month!"  Like it's not a big deal.  I don't know what else to write....I am just pissed. 

Fight club

So the other night my husband decided to full on pick a fight with me.  We were in bed about to turn on breaking bad and I was in a perfectly fine mood.  I think it started by B asking me when my period was due.  I told him this weekend.  He then asked when I would take HPT.  Uh, duh.  Never.  I told him maybe if I still hadn't seen any sign of AF I would test on wed.  Then I flippantly (still in a good mood) said "don't worry honey, I'll get my period this weekend.  I'm not pregnant."   Then he started to rip me a new asshole about how when I actually do get a BFP he will be so pissed at me if I'm not happy and am still negative.  It got so heated and he was actually yelling at me and made me cry!  This man does not yell at me or make me cry.  Almost never.  Its not like him.  And he was yelling at me for something that hasn't even happened!  WTF?
I got emotional because I was trying to explain that if I ever see a BFP (at this point I feel like it will never happen) I of course will be elated but the last 3 years has completely changed how I will feel about said BFP and the imaginary pregnancy that will follow.  3 years ago if I had gotten a BFP after even a year of TTC I would have announced on FB and called everyone I know right away.  I would have assumed that I would bring the baby home and life would've been perfect.  3 years later I am not so naïve.  I know a BFP does not mean you get to bring home a baby.  And all the hurt and disappointment, bitterness and fear from the last 3 years will not just evaporate.
He just doesn't get this.  I feel traumatized from IF and even if we do get a baby after all this bull shit of course I will be the happiest person in the world but I cant see myself skipping off into the sunset with baby in a carriage.
We made up, he apologized and we're fine now but I'm still thinking about it.  Anyone else have these husband freak outs?  How can you make them get what you are feeling when you can't articulate it?

I love the beach!

Hey guys.  I am in the 2WW still after our 5th IUI.  This time with Clomid and FSH injection.  Don't feel pregnant....expecting AF by the weekend.

We went to the coast this last weekend and had a super fabulous, relaxing, romantic, overly

indulgent, great time!  The weather worked out for us and we stayed warm and dry amazingly!  I totally broke my no alcohol streak and ate like a 15 year old boy the whole time.  Mama needs to go on a diet after this trip (and this summer...I'll just be honest).

So...I am sorry little fertilized egg, that may or may not be attaching it's self to my uterus,  I apologize for drowning you in white wine and margaritas.  I am sorry for punching you in your little microscopic, yet to be developed face with the massive amounts of pizza and sugar that I consumed.  It had to be done.  You know to "just relax".  And you know what?  It worked!  I had a wonderful time and felt happy to just live my life.  Also caught myself several times noticing how nice it was that we were child free...but more on that later!

Here are some photos from our trip!

Me and my honey B!

So hard to get a photo of all four of us!

Showing off my yoga poses on our balcony

I found a bone!  Probably a brown pelicans...but still super cool!

Me and Shilo...Ruby was not cooperating!

My favorites!

Me and Ruby

View from our balcony looking south

View from our balcony looking straight out!

A jellyfish...or some sort of kelp.  We couldn't figure it out.