Gaaaaahhhhhhh! Fuuuuuuuuuuck! God damnit, god damnit, god fucking damn it! I want to punch someone in the face so fucking bad! IF once again proves to be nothing but bull shit.
I spent the morning calling my nurse, calling my financial counselor at the fertility clinic and calling her supervisor. I am beyond irritated. Those bitches are making me skip a whole cycle! I am trying to put it in perspective and move on but I am pissed! Here's the story.
We started our IUIs in May. We have done 5 total. Our insurance company first said it wouldn't pay for them, then said they would and then said they wouldn't. Our balance kept changing and it was confusing. We would go online to pay our bill and there wouldn't be a balance. I would write a check and it would get returned because we actually didn't owe anything. And then two weeks later we would actually owe something. At least 3 times while leaving one of my dozens of appointments I have checked out with a finance counselor and talked to them about it.
The conversation went like this 3 times:
Me: I have no idea what we owe...it keeps changing.
Finance counselor:
Hmm, this is weird. Don't pay anything today and I will call your insurance and
find out exactly what they are and are not going to cover and we will get back to you.
Me: Ok, but you are not going to send us to collections or anything, right???
FC: *Laughing* Oh no! Don't worry about that!
Me: Ok, let us know....
Three times we had this conversation. With a couple of different counselors so it's not like one person was doing a bad job.
Here's Problem #1:
I start my period after IUI #5 is a BFN. I call the clinic to report CD1 with my nurse and book my FSH shot for CD9 and US on CD14 (I am busy on CD12/13 when they normally schedule it). The receptionist politely tells me she needs to transfer me to finance so I can take care of my balance before she is allowed to book me anymore appointments! I am blacklisted! Those bitches put me on a blacklist after telling me not to worry about it!!! Why didn't they tell us there was a limit that prevented us from booking appointments? I would have been much more on top of figuring out the bill if I had known they were going to cut me off. We knew we were going to owe something and were just waiting for someone to tell us an exact amount that wasn't going to change for the hundredth time.
Here's Problem #2:
We have been planning on paying our balance with our insurance credit card. Our insurance Co. gives us roughly $5000 at the beginning of the year on a credit card. We can use that money to pay for any medical bills that are not covered by them. The problem is we haven't activated those cards. We have just been paying our medical bills out of pocket because so far it's only been a couple hundred bucks at a time. So just activate the cards you say? Shouldn't be a big deal right? My husband calls them on Sat. and finds out that because we waited too long to activate them we now have to have new cards issued to us and it takes 2 weeks for them to be processed and delivered.
Cue me throwing tantrum and getting super pissy at B because I am annoyed that I have to be responsible for fucking EVERYTHING! Why cant he have just dealt with this weeks ago! I have been making passive aggressive remarks about how we need to activate the cards because at some point they will want us to pay them. He would just agree with me but never did it. It's not like he said he was going to do it and that was our agreement but for fucks sake, why couldn't he have just done it back in Aug. when I mentioned it like 25 times? It's so annoying. And of course he is all defensive and keeps saying "don't act like this is my fault! You could have called them too!" Oh, yeah, I should have called them to activate the cards in between getting my vagina poked at with a catheter, peeing on sticks every fucking morning, getting my blood drawn and having my Clomid hot flashes. Yeah, that seems fair.
So now the deal is we owe $900 and I cant make that payment until the insurance card arrives in the mail and I call them and activate it and until we pay our bill we are not allowed to make any more appointments. This means I will not be starting my second round of Clomid today like planned. We have to skip this month which makes me really, really unhappy. I wanted to power through this and be done with it. I am so sick of all the fucking appointments and pill popping. I wanted to get 7 IUIs done with and fucking move on. I am so pissed and annoyed about having to take this cycle off it makes me just not want to do anymore drugs or IUIs and just call it done. I hate that B's attitude is "well we'll just skip this cycle and do it again next month!" Like it's not a big deal. I don't know what else to write....I am just pissed.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Friday, September 13, 2013
Fight club
So the other night my husband decided to full on pick a fight with me. We were in bed about to turn on breaking bad and I was in a perfectly fine mood. I think it started by B asking me when my period was due. I told him this weekend. He then asked when I would take HPT. Uh, duh. Never. I told him maybe if I still hadn't seen any sign of AF I would test on wed. Then I flippantly (still in a good mood) said "don't worry honey, I'll get my period this weekend. I'm not pregnant." Then he started to rip me a new asshole about how when I actually do get a BFP he will be so pissed at me if I'm not happy and am still negative. It got so heated and he was actually yelling at me and made me cry! This man does not yell at me or make me cry. Almost never. Its not like him. And he was yelling at me for something that hasn't even happened! WTF?
I got emotional because I was trying to explain that if I ever see a BFP (at this point I feel like it will never happen) I of course will be elated but the last 3 years has completely changed how I will feel about said BFP and the imaginary pregnancy that will follow. 3 years ago if I had gotten a BFP after even a year of TTC I would have announced on FB and called everyone I know right away. I would have assumed that I would bring the baby home and life would've been perfect. 3 years later I am not so naïve. I know a BFP does not mean you get to bring home a baby. And all the hurt and disappointment, bitterness and fear from the last 3 years will not just evaporate.
He just doesn't get this. I feel traumatized from IF and even if we do get a baby after all this bull shit of course I will be the happiest person in the world but I cant see myself skipping off into the sunset with baby in a carriage.
We made up, he apologized and we're fine now but I'm still thinking about it. Anyone else have these husband freak outs? How can you make them get what you are feeling when you can't articulate it?
I got emotional because I was trying to explain that if I ever see a BFP (at this point I feel like it will never happen) I of course will be elated but the last 3 years has completely changed how I will feel about said BFP and the imaginary pregnancy that will follow. 3 years ago if I had gotten a BFP after even a year of TTC I would have announced on FB and called everyone I know right away. I would have assumed that I would bring the baby home and life would've been perfect. 3 years later I am not so naïve. I know a BFP does not mean you get to bring home a baby. And all the hurt and disappointment, bitterness and fear from the last 3 years will not just evaporate.
He just doesn't get this. I feel traumatized from IF and even if we do get a baby after all this bull shit of course I will be the happiest person in the world but I cant see myself skipping off into the sunset with baby in a carriage.
We made up, he apologized and we're fine now but I'm still thinking about it. Anyone else have these husband freak outs? How can you make them get what you are feeling when you can't articulate it?
Monday, September 9, 2013
I love the beach!
Hey guys. I am in the 2WW still after our 5th IUI. This time with Clomid and FSH injection. Don't feel pregnant....expecting AF by the weekend.
We went to the coast this last weekend and had a super fabulous, relaxing, romantic, overly
indulgent, great time! The weather worked out for us and we stayed warm and dry amazingly! I totally broke my no alcohol streak and ate like a 15 year old boy the whole time. Mama needs to go on a diet after this trip (and this summer...I'll just be honest).
So...I am sorry little fertilized egg, that may or may not be attaching it's self to my uterus, I apologize for drowning you in white wine and margaritas. I am sorry for punching you in your little microscopic, yet to be developed face with the massive amounts of pizza and sugar that I consumed. It had to be done. You know to "just relax". And you know what? It worked! I had a wonderful time and felt happy to just live my life. Also caught myself several times noticing how nice it was that we were child free...but more on that later!
Here are some photos from our trip!
We went to the coast this last weekend and had a super fabulous, relaxing, romantic, overly
So...I am sorry little fertilized egg, that may or may not be attaching it's self to my uterus, I apologize for drowning you in white wine and margaritas. I am sorry for punching you in your little microscopic, yet to be developed face with the massive amounts of pizza and sugar that I consumed. It had to be done. You know to "just relax". And you know what? It worked! I had a wonderful time and felt happy to just live my life. Also caught myself several times noticing how nice it was that we were child free...but more on that later!
Here are some photos from our trip!
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| Me and my honey B! |
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| So hard to get a photo of all four of us! |
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| Showing off my yoga poses on our balcony |
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| I found a bone! Probably a brown pelicans...but still super cool! |
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| Me and Shilo...Ruby was not cooperating! |
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| My favorites! |
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| Me and Ruby |
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| View from our balcony looking south |
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| View from our balcony looking straight out! |
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| A jellyfish...or some sort of kelp. We couldn't figure it out. |
Thursday, August 29, 2013
A love letter to you and an update.
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| My Play Dough egg and sperms that I made at work. |
Here's a captivating mid cycle update for you:
Took Clomid CD 3-8 (first cycle on Clomid) Aug.20-24
Got a FSH shot on CD 9 (first one I have ever had) Aug. 25
Started peeing on OPKs on CD 10 Aug. 26
Ultrasound on CD 12 - Aug. 28th - Right side had two biggish follicles, both 17.5 (they were right on top of eachother) and one smaller 13.5 folly. Left side had a few that were smaller. Lining looked good. Nurse thought I wouldn't ovulate for several more days.
Ultrasound scheduled for CD 15, Sat. at 10:15 am. Unless I get a positive on the OPK before then. If not then I will have the ultrasound and then probably get a trigger shot and then have my 5th IUI on Sunday which will be CD 16.
Once again the timing has magically worked out so I can squeeze all the appointments into my schedule. It's about to get harder because I am going to start teaching dance again after Labor day. I wont have as many free afternoons to schedule things.
Clomid hasn't been terrible to me, thank god! The most noticeable side effect was hot flashes. I am always cold and really don't get overheated very easily (thank you low thyroid!) but the last week I have been clamy and had some sweaty hot flashy moments. I definitely was moody and depressed but that's not new. I could also have been feeling more melancholy because I was kind of expecting to be taking a break from all the drugs and IUIs while we moved on to preparing for IVF. I was looking forward to that break but it's OK. I am ok to just power through a couple cycles of Clomid and FSH shot and a few more IUIs in hopes of avoiding IVF altogether. And if it isn't successful then I will still have peace of mind that we really did try everything and exhaust all our other options. At that point I will get my break before IVF anyway.
I have had a couple of moments recently of realizing how much blogging in this community has helped my mental state. I started blogging on May first after a few weeks of stalking all your blogs. After contacting Teresa at Where the bleep is our stork? and exchanging a few emails, she really encouraged me to start my own blog. I am beyond grateful that she pushed me to be brave. At that point I was really struggling emotionally. I felt like no one in my life understood what I was going through and I felt so incredibly lonely and sad. I felt disconnected from my friends and family and the isolation was killing me. I really felt like I was going crazy and needed therapy. It was rough.
Back around that time I wrote an email to my sisters co-worker, someone I have met at parties a few times, who is going through her own fertility struggles. I was just trying desperately to connect with someone in my situation. Something was wrong with the email address and the long email I wrote to her never got sent. I saw her recently at my sister's birthday and told her I tried to write to her. She basically knew the context of my email and was very receptive about communicating with me and gave me her correct email address before she left. I still haven't emailed her. I am sure I will at some point but my point is I don't feel so desperate. I don't feel like I need to recruit fellow infertile comrades to my pity party. I have you guys! Awww. Don't you feel special and important? But truly, you should feel that way because it's real.
When I was at my fertility clinic yesterday I picked up a flyer for a IF support group. I read it and put it back. In that moment I realized that blogging has really saved me...back in may I would have been all over that support group. Now I just don't feel like I need it. I feel connected to all your stories and struggles and I feel like your comments really make me feel like you all got my back. It makes me feel calmer knowing I have a group of amazingly strong ass women who totally understand what I am going through. You listen to my whining, complaining, ranting, ambivalence and darkest fears. I am so appreciative of your comments, advise, commiserating and encouragment!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Ok, maybe the Clomid is effecting me. This turned into a super mushy post.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
A few things you maybe wanted to know and a shit ton more you didn't.
In the spirit of my first time participating in the ICLW I thought I would throw out some random facts about me. I am making this up as we go so watch out! (I am giving factual answers, I just have no idea what I'm going to say!) If you want our official background in quick nitty gritty form then click Here!
Facts:
1) I am named after my grandmother and my aunt. My sisters all got really cool Gaelic names, still bitter about that. My husband came up with my favorite nickname for me years before we were a couple and it's my alter ego.
2) When I was two and my sister was one day old, I squatted and peed on her face.
3) I recently (last Nov.) broke the first bone ever broken in my body.
4) My top 5 favorite foods in no particular order are: Avocados, cheese, chocolate, pesto, orange cherry tomatoes.
5) According to my blood type, A+, I should eat a vegetarian diet and what do you know? I AM a vegetarian already! Been one since I was 18 so it's been...14 years!
6) I have only been to 10 states. Technically I had layovers in NJ and GA but that probably shouldn't count.
7) I have been to 10 European countries. And I have been to Canada. I actually grew up so close the boarder my husband calls my hometown Canada.
8) I am a total dog person, OBSESSED with Pit bulls. At some point in my life (hopefully not too long from now) I will be a Pit bull foster parent and be more involved in Pit bull rescue and adoption. Right now I have a 10.5 yr old Pit/Aussie shepherd mix and a yr old Pit bull. They are incredibly spoiled.
9) Lost my virginity at 16 and did not use a condom....so dumb. Thank god I don't have stds.
10) I really do love to read but I am so lazy about it. I tend to go through phases of being sucked into a book or a series and then not picking one up for months.
11) I love physical activity. I am a dancer, have been my whole life. I went to college for dance and continue to perform. I became a Pilates instructor in 2008 and love doing/teaching Pilates. I took up running several years ago and although it sucked balls for months and months, I now love it and wish fucking IF didn't fuck with my regular running routine. I love swimming and wish I could do it more often. I taught myself all the strokes and got really good at side breathing...I was super proud of myself. I walk my dogs everyday. I love going to hot yoga! It is the most miserable experience and I love it. I really want to learn how to paddle board...I think I would be great at the balance aspect of it.
12) I also love to be lazy and not do shit all day long. But then it makes me depressed because I feel like I "wasted" my time by not taking full advantage of my day off.
13) Although I think I eat a very healthy diet compared to the majority of Americans, I LOVE fatty, creamy, sugary, salty, carby foods and constantly have to keep myself in check...or not.
14) In addition to being a wine/cocktail lover, I also smoke weed. Now before you get all Judgy McJudgerson on me, first let me say that I truly believe that it's no different from drinking alcohol. I was upfront and honest with our RE and she wasn't concerned. She said there is no data about marijuana use in women and a connection to IF. Just like alcohol she said to limit it when I can. Just like my nightly glass of wine (or two) I use it to help me decompress from my day and it tames my crazy bitch beast that lurks to get out from time to time. Everything in moderation is my motto. It is also legal where I live. Thank god! Also, just for the record I have quit said alcohol and marijuana to get more serious about the prospect of IVF. I want to be totally sober for at least 3 months before egg retrieval if that is indeed where we are headed. Now you can judge me.
15) I love to shop. Clothes and shoes mostly but also jewelery or accessories. I also love to grocery shop. I think I just really enjoy spending money that I don't have.
16) I have been accused of tail gating people when I drive although I dispute this wholeheartedly.
17) I have 7 piercings but no tattoos.
18) My husband proposed to me on top of the Empire State Building. It sounds so cheesy but it was 1am and the place was empty, no one was there. We were tipsy and it was simple and romantic. I cried.
19) I am 100% agnostic and 99% atheist. My husband is 1,000% atheist. With a passion. I believe in ghosts so I have to acknowledge there may be some sort of afterlife? Lapse of time? I like to think I am a spiritual person but really I am full of shit. I don't think there is a higher power sitting up in the heavens helping to guide me through this life. I think I am just a pile of cells shuffling around a bunch of other piles of cells. I don't think things happen for a reason. I think you can find reasons out of accidents.
20) I am 32 and my husband is 33. We have been TTC for about 36 failed cycles. Never seen a BFP...ever.
21) Elliot Smith might be my favorite musician. I also love Bob Dylan, Fleet Foxes, Queen, Alicia Keys, Rolling Stones, Selda and a shit ton more.
22) Breakfast is my least favorite meal. Give me a croissant or maple bar at 10:30 and I'm happy.
23) As much of a cliche as it may sound, the best vacation my husband and I have been on was to Maui, Hawaii. It was AMAZING! Want to go back so badly.
24) I am the oldest of five girls. My sisters are all taller than me. When I am an old lady I will probably be 4"8'. No joke.
25) I played the flute pretty seriously until I was 16. I quit to focus more on my dancing. I regret not keeping up with it on my own and really want to buy a flute and start taking lessons again. I loved being a musician and especially playing in a symphony!
Okay, I think that's good enough for now. Hope that gives you more of an idea about who I am!
Facts:
1) I am named after my grandmother and my aunt. My sisters all got really cool Gaelic names, still bitter about that. My husband came up with my favorite nickname for me years before we were a couple and it's my alter ego.
2) When I was two and my sister was one day old, I squatted and peed on her face.
3) I recently (last Nov.) broke the first bone ever broken in my body.
4) My top 5 favorite foods in no particular order are: Avocados, cheese, chocolate, pesto, orange cherry tomatoes.
5) According to my blood type, A+, I should eat a vegetarian diet and what do you know? I AM a vegetarian already! Been one since I was 18 so it's been...14 years!
6) I have only been to 10 states. Technically I had layovers in NJ and GA but that probably shouldn't count.
7) I have been to 10 European countries. And I have been to Canada. I actually grew up so close the boarder my husband calls my hometown Canada.
8) I am a total dog person, OBSESSED with Pit bulls. At some point in my life (hopefully not too long from now) I will be a Pit bull foster parent and be more involved in Pit bull rescue and adoption. Right now I have a 10.5 yr old Pit/Aussie shepherd mix and a yr old Pit bull. They are incredibly spoiled.
9) Lost my virginity at 16 and did not use a condom....so dumb. Thank god I don't have stds.
10) I really do love to read but I am so lazy about it. I tend to go through phases of being sucked into a book or a series and then not picking one up for months.
11) I love physical activity. I am a dancer, have been my whole life. I went to college for dance and continue to perform. I became a Pilates instructor in 2008 and love doing/teaching Pilates. I took up running several years ago and although it sucked balls for months and months, I now love it and wish fucking IF didn't fuck with my regular running routine. I love swimming and wish I could do it more often. I taught myself all the strokes and got really good at side breathing...I was super proud of myself. I walk my dogs everyday. I love going to hot yoga! It is the most miserable experience and I love it. I really want to learn how to paddle board...I think I would be great at the balance aspect of it.
12) I also love to be lazy and not do shit all day long. But then it makes me depressed because I feel like I "wasted" my time by not taking full advantage of my day off.
13) Although I think I eat a very healthy diet compared to the majority of Americans, I LOVE fatty, creamy, sugary, salty, carby foods and constantly have to keep myself in check...or not.
14) In addition to being a wine/cocktail lover, I also smoke weed. Now before you get all Judgy McJudgerson on me, first let me say that I truly believe that it's no different from drinking alcohol. I was upfront and honest with our RE and she wasn't concerned. She said there is no data about marijuana use in women and a connection to IF. Just like alcohol she said to limit it when I can. Just like my nightly glass of wine (or two) I use it to help me decompress from my day and it tames my crazy bitch beast that lurks to get out from time to time. Everything in moderation is my motto. It is also legal where I live. Thank god! Also, just for the record I have quit said alcohol and marijuana to get more serious about the prospect of IVF. I want to be totally sober for at least 3 months before egg retrieval if that is indeed where we are headed. Now you can judge me.
15) I love to shop. Clothes and shoes mostly but also jewelery or accessories. I also love to grocery shop. I think I just really enjoy spending money that I don't have.
16) I have been accused of tail gating people when I drive although I dispute this wholeheartedly.
17) I have 7 piercings but no tattoos.
18) My husband proposed to me on top of the Empire State Building. It sounds so cheesy but it was 1am and the place was empty, no one was there. We were tipsy and it was simple and romantic. I cried.
19) I am 100% agnostic and 99% atheist. My husband is 1,000% atheist. With a passion. I believe in ghosts so I have to acknowledge there may be some sort of afterlife? Lapse of time? I like to think I am a spiritual person but really I am full of shit. I don't think there is a higher power sitting up in the heavens helping to guide me through this life. I think I am just a pile of cells shuffling around a bunch of other piles of cells. I don't think things happen for a reason. I think you can find reasons out of accidents.
20) I am 32 and my husband is 33. We have been TTC for about 36 failed cycles. Never seen a BFP...ever.
21) Elliot Smith might be my favorite musician. I also love Bob Dylan, Fleet Foxes, Queen, Alicia Keys, Rolling Stones, Selda and a shit ton more.
22) Breakfast is my least favorite meal. Give me a croissant or maple bar at 10:30 and I'm happy.
23) As much of a cliche as it may sound, the best vacation my husband and I have been on was to Maui, Hawaii. It was AMAZING! Want to go back so badly.
24) I am the oldest of five girls. My sisters are all taller than me. When I am an old lady I will probably be 4"8'. No joke.
25) I played the flute pretty seriously until I was 16. I quit to focus more on my dancing. I regret not keeping up with it on my own and really want to buy a flute and start taking lessons again. I loved being a musician and especially playing in a symphony!
Okay, I think that's good enough for now. Hope that gives you more of an idea about who I am!
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Hello ICLW! (did I do it right? I hope so!)
Assuming I followed the directions correctly you probably found me through the ICLW. I'm not very good with the tech computer stuff so I hope I didn't screw it up!
I hope you poke around my blog and read every last juicy detail about me and my battle for a baby but here is a quick overview:
Met my husband when I was 17. We didn't date until my 21st birthday. We were a hot item for 7 long years before we got married in Aug. 2009.
By then we had 2 dogs who we treated like children.
He is a visual artist and I am a dancer/pilates instructor/nanny.
We started TTC in Aug. 2010 and thought we would be pregnant shortly after. We were so excited!
Nothing happened. After a year I started to get concerned.
Since then I have done:
Weekly acupuncture appts. for 10 months. Loved it but had to stop because it was too expensive and not working.
Started seeing a specialist at a fertility clinic
Learned I have a slightly low thyroid and was put on meds. Been on that for almost a year and a half.
Learned I probably have endometriosis and that is probably the cause of our infertility. Husband checks out fine.
One of our dogs get cancer and on top of all my fertility appts. I add visits to the vet, doggie oncologist and surgeon to my hectic schedule. I am absolutely broken hearted and terrified! Life so beyond stressful. Dog has multiple surgeries including an amputation of right front leg and scapula. We hope for the best.
Endometriosis cause polyps in my uterus so I had surgery in July 2012 to remove over 20! Dr. now thinks there is a good shot we can get pregnant on our own so off we go to get busy.
Nothing happens.
Dog heals from amputation but cancer spreads and he declines rapidly. We have to put him to sleep on Aug. 18th 2012. The life gets sucked out of me and I am so sad, angry and having such a hard time trying to cope. Pretty much my darkest moment.
Still TTC with no results.
I break my foot in Nov. 2012 while teaching a dance class. Now I have to add orthopedic Dr. visits, physical therapy and therapeutic massage to my list of appts. I was in a boot for 2 months which was challenging for all my jobs teaching dance and pilates. I was also rehearsing for a big dance project and didn't want to quit so again life was stressful and emotional.
I convince my husband that the only way for me to be happy again is to either get pregnant or get another dog. We obviously are incapable of the first one so we adopt a puppy in Jan 2013.
March 2013 we finally get back into the fertility clinic to figure out why the hell we haven't gotten pregnant yet. Dr. wants me to take Letrozole/Femara and try IUIs. We decide to do 2 months of just letrozole and then add IUIs for the 3-6 cycles.
Nothing happens.
This brings us to now. Just had a consultation with my Dr. yesterday. Before moving onto IVF she wants us to switch to Clomid and do 2 or 3 more IUIs. She also wants to add FSH injections on day 9 of my cycle. So that's the plan. I started Clomid yesterday.
I am happy that there is something else to try before IVF is our only option. I am a little sad that I am not getting to take a break from all this for a few months like I thought was going to happen. I had big plans of getting back into my regular running routine and going to hot yoga. That is just impossible when you are doing IUIs. Every TWW I get too paranoid that exercise is stressing my body out just enough to deny an embryo to implant. I know it's stupid but we are paying a lot of money to make this happen and I don't want to wonder if it's not working because I went for a run.
I am not the most positive person. I always jump to the worst conclusion. It's just how I cope. My blog consists of a lot of complaining and whining. I swear, I rant, I talk shit about people I love. It's a place for me to be honest about my feelings and try to sort through the emotional baggage this TTC journey is causing me. If this sounds remotely like something you would like to read then I hope you follow my blog!
I hope you poke around my blog and read every last juicy detail about me and my battle for a baby but here is a quick overview:
Met my husband when I was 17. We didn't date until my 21st birthday. We were a hot item for 7 long years before we got married in Aug. 2009.
By then we had 2 dogs who we treated like children.
He is a visual artist and I am a dancer/pilates instructor/nanny.
We started TTC in Aug. 2010 and thought we would be pregnant shortly after. We were so excited!
Nothing happened. After a year I started to get concerned.
Since then I have done:
Weekly acupuncture appts. for 10 months. Loved it but had to stop because it was too expensive and not working.
Started seeing a specialist at a fertility clinic
Learned I have a slightly low thyroid and was put on meds. Been on that for almost a year and a half.
Learned I probably have endometriosis and that is probably the cause of our infertility. Husband checks out fine.
One of our dogs get cancer and on top of all my fertility appts. I add visits to the vet, doggie oncologist and surgeon to my hectic schedule. I am absolutely broken hearted and terrified! Life so beyond stressful. Dog has multiple surgeries including an amputation of right front leg and scapula. We hope for the best.
Endometriosis cause polyps in my uterus so I had surgery in July 2012 to remove over 20! Dr. now thinks there is a good shot we can get pregnant on our own so off we go to get busy.
Nothing happens.
Dog heals from amputation but cancer spreads and he declines rapidly. We have to put him to sleep on Aug. 18th 2012. The life gets sucked out of me and I am so sad, angry and having such a hard time trying to cope. Pretty much my darkest moment.
Still TTC with no results.
I break my foot in Nov. 2012 while teaching a dance class. Now I have to add orthopedic Dr. visits, physical therapy and therapeutic massage to my list of appts. I was in a boot for 2 months which was challenging for all my jobs teaching dance and pilates. I was also rehearsing for a big dance project and didn't want to quit so again life was stressful and emotional.
I convince my husband that the only way for me to be happy again is to either get pregnant or get another dog. We obviously are incapable of the first one so we adopt a puppy in Jan 2013.
March 2013 we finally get back into the fertility clinic to figure out why the hell we haven't gotten pregnant yet. Dr. wants me to take Letrozole/Femara and try IUIs. We decide to do 2 months of just letrozole and then add IUIs for the 3-6 cycles.
Nothing happens.
This brings us to now. Just had a consultation with my Dr. yesterday. Before moving onto IVF she wants us to switch to Clomid and do 2 or 3 more IUIs. She also wants to add FSH injections on day 9 of my cycle. So that's the plan. I started Clomid yesterday.
I am happy that there is something else to try before IVF is our only option. I am a little sad that I am not getting to take a break from all this for a few months like I thought was going to happen. I had big plans of getting back into my regular running routine and going to hot yoga. That is just impossible when you are doing IUIs. Every TWW I get too paranoid that exercise is stressing my body out just enough to deny an embryo to implant. I know it's stupid but we are paying a lot of money to make this happen and I don't want to wonder if it's not working because I went for a run.
I am not the most positive person. I always jump to the worst conclusion. It's just how I cope. My blog consists of a lot of complaining and whining. I swear, I rant, I talk shit about people I love. It's a place for me to be honest about my feelings and try to sort through the emotional baggage this TTC journey is causing me. If this sounds remotely like something you would like to read then I hope you follow my blog!
Monday, August 19, 2013
Let's talk about a different kind of follicle for a change.
You guys...I cut my hair! I realize this is probably not very exciting for you but I have had the same long ass hair for at least 8 years! I loved my long hippie hair. It was kind of my thing. I had the longest hair out of all of my sisters. I had the longest hair out of all of my friends. I had the longest hair out of all my co workers and clients. For 8 years! It was a long term, committed relationship I had going on with my hair.
I decided I had to cut it for a few reasons. Here they are (just in case you wanted to know):
1) The last two years I was in two dance projects where I had to wear my hair down and it got beat to shit. People pulled it, dragged me across the stage by my hair, it got stepped on and I even had to get inside a trunk and have the lid closed with my hair hanging out of it. This last year I had to curl and rat it up into the biggest messiest fro a white girl with straight hair can have for every single performance and dress rehearsal.
2) Every time I have had a short(er) hair cut I have HATED it! This might be because I was usually the person who gave myself the hair cut but still...I have never had a hair cut above my shoulders that I have liked. I felt like it had been too long since I had tried something different and I needed to give it another chance just to prove to myself once and for all that I really do hate my hair when it is short.
3) I have been feeling like I need a change. There is so much about this shitty infertility life that I have been living for the last 3 years that I have no control or power over. I felt like I wanted to do something dramatic to shake things up and try to trick myself into thinking I hold the puppet strings to this little docudrama.
Imostly always post pics that are somewhat ambiguous and maybe slightly anonymous because basically no one in my life really knows about my blog. My husband does but he is sworn to not read it (even though he is well aware of the name and could totally be reading it behind my back when he is at work). There are a few people who don't know that we are infertile (very few) and I wanted to be able to not censor myself when talking about my friends or family.
Anyway, that's all about to change. (And really, I have posted so much information about myself and my life that if any of my friends or coworkers came across my blog they would have to be the biggest moron to not figure out it's me!) I feel like in order to show you what a big deal this is to me I have to post pics....so here they are!
The Before:
The After:
So I did it! And I don't hate it! I was scared to do bangs because I never really think they look good on me but I like these ones! So that's all. Just a post about my hair.
I decided I had to cut it for a few reasons. Here they are (just in case you wanted to know):
1) The last two years I was in two dance projects where I had to wear my hair down and it got beat to shit. People pulled it, dragged me across the stage by my hair, it got stepped on and I even had to get inside a trunk and have the lid closed with my hair hanging out of it. This last year I had to curl and rat it up into the biggest messiest fro a white girl with straight hair can have for every single performance and dress rehearsal.
2) Every time I have had a short(er) hair cut I have HATED it! This might be because I was usually the person who gave myself the hair cut but still...I have never had a hair cut above my shoulders that I have liked. I felt like it had been too long since I had tried something different and I needed to give it another chance just to prove to myself once and for all that I really do hate my hair when it is short.
3) I have been feeling like I need a change. There is so much about this shitty infertility life that I have been living for the last 3 years that I have no control or power over. I felt like I wanted to do something dramatic to shake things up and try to trick myself into thinking I hold the puppet strings to this little docudrama.
I
Anyway, that's all about to change. (And really, I have posted so much information about myself and my life that if any of my friends or coworkers came across my blog they would have to be the biggest moron to not figure out it's me!) I feel like in order to show you what a big deal this is to me I have to post pics....so here they are!
The Before:
 | |||||
| Performing last weekend. You can see how I had to rat it so really it was even longer when it was washed and straight. |
The After:
 |
| Right when I got home from the salon so it looks perfect. |
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| Why yes! That is a baby bunny that I am holding! I'm saving that for a another post! |
So I did it! And I don't hate it! I was scared to do bangs because I never really think they look good on me but I like these ones! So that's all. Just a post about my hair.
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