2WW post...it might take 2 weeks to read it!

Ahh, the 2WW.  What a wonderful time.  I'm actually not being sarcastic.

In the 2WW I dont have to worry about taking my Letrozol on the right days at the right times.

I don't have to worry about peeing on a stick on the right days at the right times.

I don't have the pressure of the looming TI that needs to be performed on the right days at the right times.

I don't have to worry about scheduling an ultrasound and stressing about whether it will fall on a day where I can actually go into the Dr.s to get it done.

I don't have to worry about scheduling an IUI and hoping it too falls on a day where I have time to go in and get it done.

Yes, there is the annoyance of not knowing if I may be pregnant or not.  But being the pessimist that I am and getting burned one too many times with phantom early pregnancy symptoms, I just tell myself that I am NOT pregnant until proven otherwise.

I stress out a little about drinking during the 2WW but SO many people including Dr.s have said it's not a big deal in moderation so I'm going with that and continue to enjoy my wine.  I feel like I have to regulate so much of my life while TTC that I don't need to cut out or add anything else if I don't absolutely have to!

I am definitely annoyed that my Dr. wants me to keep my exercise at a "conversational pace"...or heart rate under 140 bpm but seriously who is checking their heart rate while they run??  I have no idea how to do that and I am not sure if my 3X per week 4 mile run is a "conversational pace" or not.  I know it is fucking hard...that's why I do it!  So I have stopped running during the 2WW and it totally screws up my workout routine.  As soon as AF comes I start my running back up for 2 weeks and then IUI time and then I stop.  I try to do Pilates and I have random dance rehearsals here and there but it's not enough!  I feel fat and gross.  And I really miss the endorphins I get from running!

I really should be watching my portion sizes and being smarter about what I eat but I LOVE FOOD!  I love eating.  Compared to the typical American diet I eat SUPER healthy but I know I could cut down on sugar, fat and carbs.  Again with all the regulating going on in my life I am finding it really hard to crack down on my diet too.  Sigh.  First world problems. 

So here is what I've been doing in my 2WW.

I enjoyed my first week off from teaching at the dance studio....this only means I have Mon/Tues nights off.  I drive 70 miles round trip to teach so the time off from commuting in the summer is wonderful!

I started rehearsing again for some summer performances.

I threw myself a birthday BBQ in my backyard and almost all of our friends and their families came to celebrate with me.  It was super fun!  It was the first time a lot of them had met our new puppy even though we adopted her in Jan.  We are so busy and don't have people over very often.  On top of that most of our friends have young children and evening time (when we would have people over) doesn't work for them.  My puppy really hadn't been around a lot of kids so I was NERVOUS!  She did so great with all of them!  At one point I counted 8 kids running in circles through our house and around our yard.  Shilo ran beside them with her tongue hanging out!  She did knock over a kid or two but it wasn't malicious, just uncoordinated!  I was VERY relieved.  My old dog was wonderful as well but I was expecting that from her...she has been raised with all these kids and is great with them.

My sister's boyfriend brought his hooka and I couldn't remember if I had ever smoked a hooka before so I went for it!  I used to smoke cigarrets in my 20's and am happy to have kicked the habit.  I didn't think I would like the taste of the hooka tobacco but uh oh, I love it!!  I am definitely not getting a hooka because I would immediately be smoking everyday again.  Anyway, it was super fun to sit in my backyard with my friends and family wearing my Moroccan pants, smoking a hooka!  I practiced my smoke rings and had some good ones but sadly none were captured on camera.

Trying for a smoke ring.

My newly pregnant BF who I wrote about in a previous post came to the BBQ.  I hadn't seen her or even talked to her since I sent her a text about my first failed IUI and how her pregnancy was hard for me to handle.  It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  She brought me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers and she was experiencing really bad morning sickness.  I was able to join in the pregnancy conversation for a bit without getting too bitter or sad.  I politely excused myself to go mingle when I reached my thresh hold.

Flowers from BF..notice the cute bird clip?

I made two really awesome dishes for the BBQ.  One was a GIANT fruit salad with all organic fruit.  I tossed it with a honey mint dressing and it was amazing.  Even better though was a recipe I came across last week that I decided to make.  It is a grilled corn, avocado, cherry tomato, cilantro salad tossed with a dressing.  It was beyond delicious.  I couldn't get enough and cant wait to make it again.  I am thinking if you don't want to BBQ you could throw the corn on a baking sheet and get it crispy that way?  Anyway, here is the recipe...you gotta try it!

GRILLED CORN, AVOCADO AND TOMATO

•1 pint grape tomatoes
•1 ripe avocado
•2 ears of fresh sweet corn
•2 tbsp. fresh cilantro, chopped

HONEY LIME DRESSING
•Juice of 1 lime
•3 tbsp. vegetable oil
•1 tbsp. honey
•Sea salt and fresh cracked pepper, to taste
•1 clove garlic, minced
• Dash of cayenne pepper

DIRECTIONS
Remove husks from corn and grill over medium heat for 10 minutes. The corn should have some brown spots and be tender and not mushy. Cut the corn off the cob then scrape the cob with the back of your knife to get the juices. Set aside and let cool. Slice the tomatoes in half. Dice the avocado and chop the cilantro.

•1 Add all the dressing ingredients in a small bowl and whisk to combine. Set aside.

•2 Combine the sliced tomatoes, avocado, cilantro and grilled corn and honey lime dressing and mix gently so everything is evenly coated. Be careful not to mash the avocados. Let the salad sit for 10-15 minutes to let flavors mingle. Enjoy.

Yesterday I had a bizarre experience.  I was coming home and as I was parking I noticed a little old Asian lady sitting on my neighbors tree stump right by the road.  She looked like she was upset and crying.  Where she was sitting is not a place that people sit so I knew right away something was up.  I hesitated because I have a history of assuming someone needs help, rushing to their aid and then being embarrassed because I misread the situation and jumped to conclusions.  I parked the car and peeked around the corner to see if she really was sitting their crying and she was.  I walked over and asked her if she was ok.  She said she wasn't.  I crouched down next to her and asked if there was anything I could do to help her.  She said no.  I told her my name and said if it was ok with her I would sit with her for a while.  She was still crying but said that would be nice and told me her name.  She started to tell me in fragments that she got into an argument with her husband and son.  She spoke English fluently but still had a strong accent.  I really didn't know what to think, did she have Alzheimers?  Did she have dementia and was confused and lost?  I really didn't know but we were sitting on the side of the street so I invited her into my house and offered to make her some tea.  She accepted my offer and so we ended up sitting on my couch and talking for 45 min!

 My sister who is living with me for the summer was making lunch when we walked in.  She was giving me these looks like "what the hell is going on here?",  "Who is the random stranger lady?"  It was so weird but I totally connected with this old lady!  I still am sure I don't know the whole story but she told me she was upset with her son because he is being too overprotective and controlling over her.  He took away her drivers license and even took her purse.  He doesn't want her to go anywhere by herself.  He is worried she will hurt herself.  She said "why would I do that?  I am an old lady!  I don't have much time left anyway!"  She was upset at the loss of her freedom and the ability to make her own choices about her life.  She was mad at her husband because she wants to travel and visit places she has never been with the short time she has left but he has no interest and just watches TV all day.  We talked about marriage and how hard it is.  She has been married for 50 years!  She described being excited to retire so she and her husband could have time to do fun things together that they didn't have time for when they were busy working and raising children.  But the reality is disappointing and she is depressed about wasting the time she has left on this earth.  She was so sweet to me, telling me how grateful she was that I invited her in to talk.  She said she wished she had a daughter because she thinks a daughter would understand her better.

Usually I feel really awkward around old people.  I didn't have close relationships with any of my grandparents and I never know what to say to them.  Maybe because I recently was walking around crying about my life I totally related to her and her frustration.  Maybe because I also am experiencing loss of control over my life with our fruitless attempts at having children and I feel like the life I had envisioned for myself is passing me by with each year we don't get pregnant.  I don't know why but I totally fell in love with this sweet little old lady.

Eventually she decided to go home and we exchanged addresses and phone numbers.  I walked her out and we gave each other a big hug.  I was still worried that although she seemed perfectly lucid while I was talking to her that she may have been experiencing a dementia episode and that maybe her family was desperately looking for.  I offered to give her a ride home but she declined saying she just lived a few blocks away and assured me she was going straight home.  I called her a few hours later and she answered the phone and we talked for a min.  I was relieved she made it home and that she had given me the right number.  Makes me think she really was just upset after fighting with her family and hopefully was not having dementia!  I plan on sending her a card in the mail to say hi and have fantasies of taking her to brunch.  I just feel like I need to check back in with her and make sure she is ok.

Back to the infertility front, today I received a FB message from my old estranged friend who recently had a baby.  I did not invite her to my BBQ on purpose and was feeling weird about it because we have a few mutual friends and I am sure it will get back to her.  I feel really bitter about her pregnancy and new baby (I'm a bitch) and besides one congratulatory message about the pregnancy and one about the birth I have kept my distance.  Well, she sent me a message this morning inviting my husband and I to come meet the baby.  Gag.  Ugh, that is exactly what I didn't want to do.  I haven't even hung out with her in 2 years.  The last time we got together my husband and I told her we had been trying to get pregnant for a year without success.  So now fast forward two years later and she has a baby and we still don't.  It's so shitty.  I get really judgmental comparing how much more together and prepared for children my husband and I are than her and her partner.  I hate that I do it but I do.  It makes me feel like a shitty person.  And it makes me feel shitty that I don't want to meet her adorable cute son and hear all about the pregnancy and birth.  I don't know how to respond.  We are really too busy?  Tell her it's too hard?  Tell her that every time I look at a picture of her cute baby I feel like I am getting stabbed in the heart?  Tell her I've had a change of heart and now I hate babies?  Suck it up and have a quick coffee date with an excuse to leave because I have a made up appointment?  I don't know.  I hate all this shit.

Okay, If you are still reading this you deserve an award!  I think my random venting is done for now.  Until next time!  

We gave it our best shot (wink, wink!)

I really feel like we nailed this time around!  Not that I think the result will be a BFP (still very skeptical about that) but the timing lined up perfectly and we (I) didn't screw anything up this time.  It seems like there is always something a little off that makes me question if we did EVERYTHING we possibly could to make this shit happen.  Not only did my body cooperate with ovulation by falling on days when I could actually do the ultrasound, trigger shot and IUI but I also managed to take my prenatals and thyroid meds on time everyday, that is a huge achievement.  This time I think I can be confident that it was a very good try. 

Wed afternoon  CD12  Ultrasound to count follicles.  Had three that looked like they would mature.  Ovulation still a few days off.  

Fri afternoon CD14  I still had a negative result on my OPK test.

Fri PM We had sex.  It was actually really hot sexy sex!  Not resentful TI sex.  It was our 11 year anniversary and my birthday (yeah ok, so I got wasted on my 21st bday and hooked up with the love of my life...I'm classy like that.  I did know him for 4 years prior to me turning 21.  There, don't judge me.) 

Sat AM CD15  I got an error sign on the OPK.  (ok, so it wasn't totally screw up free but I don't think it matters!)

I tested but I had already gotten up an hr before to go pee so when I peed on the stick I didn't have very much urine. 

 Sat AM I went in for my trigger shot in the ass.

Don't worry, that's not my ass.

I was pissed because my appointment was for 7:40 am but I didn't get led to the back room until 8:25.  They were really busy but I was irritated.  Especially since I was in the room for literally 45 seconds.  Good new is I checked with the nurse that the trigger shot IS an intra muscular syringe and was told yes it is.  That is great news because although I flinch involuntarily when they poke me it doesn't hurt!  I was getting freaked out from other people's post but now I know I can handle it assuming there are a lot more in my future.

Sat afternoon Got a positive :) on the OPK!  But no sex in preparation of B's contribution to our following am IUI.

Sun AM CD16  B went in for his part of the procedure. 
I still can't believe all he has to do is jerk it, so unfair.

Sun AM An hr and a half later I went in for the IUI.

I am making a face...just to be clear.

Last time was a breeze and all things considered this time was too except the nurse (same one as last time) couldn't get the catheter past my cervix.  She spent about 10 minutes poking around, resetting the speculum and poking around some more and then finally called in the Dr.  It was more embarrassing than uncomfortable or painful really.  I think her and my vagina were best friends by the end because she really got a very thorough meet and greet.  She was very apologetic about it and I was nice and said it was no big deal because it really wasn't.  The Dr. came in and determined the catheter was too curved on the end (or something like that) and got that sucker past the cervix and up into the uterus.  That was that.  I couldn't believe I didn't have any spotting...last time I did and there was a considerable less amount of time they were poking around that time...kinda strange.

Sun PM  Had TI.  Not as hot or sexy but not bad.  Formulaic and a little forced but in the end we both got what we came for...he he!

Mon AM CD17  Got a positive :) on the OPK again/still. 

Mon afternoon Got a positive :) on the OPK AGAIN!!! 
Plan on having TI tonight even if I have to take B by force.  I might spike his beer with a Ruffies and Viagra.  You cant fuck with this round...it's just too perfect!



 

11687.8 days old

So....It's my birthday.  I work all day so that is a bummer.  I bought myself two pairs of birthday sandals that came in the mail from zappos yesterday.  Wouldn't you know one pair is too small and the other too big?  Disappointing.  I told my husband that he needed to get me flowers (I definitely have to tell him these things sadly)  and avocado curry from my favorite vegan Thai restaurant.  We'll see if he follows through.  He did send me a text singing the lyrics of the birthday sex song...

My husband was out of town on Wed. night which doesn't usually happen very often.  I was home alone in my bedroom at 10 pm with the dogs.  The doors were locked (triple checked them!) and all the lights were on.  I was enjoying a glass of wine and watching an episode of Sister Wives (I am obsessed!  I totally think I want to be in a polygamist family minus sharing one man and all the weird religious crap) when I thought I heard something.  It went like this.

BANG, BANG BANG!

I instantly get sweaty and my heart leaps into my throat.  This is my worst nightmare!

Old dog is surprisingly still passed out, puppy pops her head up.

I turn off show and decide to wait them out until they go away.  This is my usual strategy when someone comes to my door.

They don't leave.  BANG, BANG BANG!  Louder and scarier this time.  Old dog hears it this time and immediately goes ballistic.  She is a really, really good watch dog.  Both dogs run out into the living room barking their asses off and head to the front door. 

My phone is next to me on the bed so I dial in 911 (I was just preparing in case it was a crazy rapist/murderer) while doing a mental calculation of where my butcher's knives are in the kitchen and how quickly I can grab one.

I tell myself to man the fuck up and creep out to the living room.  In my most aggressive, pissed off voice I loudly say "WHO IS IT?"  I hear a guy say "it's C!"  It's my sister's boyfriend which is odd because she is coming back from Spain on Sat. where she has been for the last 6 months.  She started a relationship with him about 6 weeks before she left and I had met him a few times and hung out with him but really haven't seen or talked to him the whole time she has been gone.  He does live really close to me though and I really like him/feel comfortable with him so I decide to open the door even though it's weird that he would show up unannounced at 10 pm.  

I double check, "who is it?"  and he says again, "it's C!"  So I open the door.

And there is my Sister!  The sneaky bitch tricked everybody and told us she was coming home on Sat. but really came back Tues night.  I was so relieved I wasn't going to get murdered I didn't really have the crazy reaction you would think a person would have.  She is lucky I didn't stab her with the butcher's knife! 

So yay, my sister is back and living with me (I am sure she will spend most of her time at her boyfriends place) for the summer!  And she brought me the best birthday present....Moroccan Pants!  She went to Morocco and everyone wears these pants so she bought 11 pairs to give out as gifts.  They are so dope and completely fulfill my hippie self with happiness!  I LOVE mine and am going to wear mine to my bday bbq I am throwing myself next weekend.

you can also wear them like this

On the fertility front I just tested with an OPK and it was negative which is perfect because I have a trigger shot scheduled for tomorrow morning and our 2nd IUI on Sunday.  I was super worried I would ovulate before all that and screw it up but it looks like it's going to work out.  Phew!

Okay, gotta walk the pup and go to fucking work.  Blah. 

Quick Update

I went in for an ultrasound to check how many follicles I had this time (month 4 of Letrozol) and it was pretty routine.  I had about 3 follicles that were all about 14.5 or 16.5...they are supposed to be 20 so hopefully I still have a few days before ovulation.  Good news because B is out of town tonight, we haven't had sex in days and days and I am WAY too busy to do an IUI until Sun!

 Last month I had 3 follicles too.  They said that's what they wanted to see but I am concerned that I should have more?!  Also last time the biggest one was about 17 ish if I remember correctly.  I am paranoid that they are not getting big enough.

A very flattering pic of me (pants off) at the Dr.

Thankfully they let me schedule my trigger shot for Sat am before I have to go to work and we scheduled the IUI for Sun!  If I get a positive on the OPK before that then I have to call and cancel the whole thing.  I am really hoping that the timing just works out this time and I can feel confident that we gave the IUI our best shot.  Last time once I scheduled the IUI I stopped testing with the OPKs because if I ovulated earlier than the appt. I would have had to cancel (sound familiar?).

I really don't want to be on Letrozol for very much longer.  Not because of any side effects...I have had zero!  But because I read that if you take it for more than 12 months it increases your chance of ovarian cancer.  That freaks me out!  I also still don't know what our insurance Co. is going to cover with the IUIs if anything so that will be a factor in how many more we do.  We are inching closer and closer to IVF.  I have a sinking feeling that is where we are headed.  My husband is in denial.  The money is too overwhelming for him.  Sigh.  It's overwhelming for me too.   Why cant we have chosen to be a Dr. and a lawyer for Christ's sake?! 

On a more positive note, if this IUI miraculously works then our baby will have been conceived on Father's Day...that would be kind of cool. 

IUI Failure #1 / nanny diaries / i'm a terrible best friend / best husband text ever / life goes on.

It all starts last Friday.

I went to work at 8am.  I had a really challenging day with my nanny families.  I had to do my usual morning routine of getting the three kids dressed and lunches packed up and I drove them to school.  It's usually a difficult first hour but it's more difficult than normal because their house is under going major renovations and they shouldn't even be living there but have no other option.  So I am making lunches with just a microwave and a utility sink because we are all banished to an unfinished basement with a concrete floor and all their belongings in boxes.  The kids have their shit ALL over the place so a simple task like finding a pair of matching shoes becomes a 20 minute scavenger hunt.  It is mad chaos and I am surprised I have any hair left by the end of my 6 hour shift because I feel like ripping it our for about 5 of those hours.  Did I mention I love the brats?

 So anyway I get the 6 and 4 year olds off to their two different schools and then take the remaining 2 yr old sibling to my other nanny family's house to pick up our share kid who is 2 and 3/4.  We quickly rush downtown to go to a kids concert at the opera house.  I suffer through the totally obnoxious show following along with the songs and miming out all the gestures while my kids sit there like well behaved zombies.  After 45 min of watching past middle aged twin sisters in matching blue jumpsuits singing, dancing and doing sign language about going to the zoo or some shit it is finally over.  I hustle my nanny kids through the crowd of yuppy parents who have nothing better to do on a Friday morning than speak to their children in a baby voice and feed them goldfish crackers and fruit snacks at 9:30 in the morning.  Judgemental? Yes.  I have been around rich, overcompensating, clueless parents for too long.  Bitter?  Fuck yes! 

These are actually the real twin sisters!!!

I get the 2 girls to the zoo and we have a pretty good time for couple of hours until we are about 15 minutes away from needing to leave to go pick up the 4 year old from school.  The girls are in a little play area in the farm animal section of the zoo.  There is a cute gate with giant carrots that I think would make for a great picture so I try to get the girls to pose for me so I could send the pics to their moms.  If you have ever tried to get two toddlers to pose at once you know this is damn near impossible so after about a dozen terrible photos I try one last time and as I am trying to focus the camera on my phone (which is brand new but has the shittiest camera!) I notice the younger 2 yr old with a familiar grimace on her face.  Brow furrowed, jaw set, determination in her eyes.  I shout oh my god!  Are you pooping???  She immediately denies it but I am already running them both into the bathroom which miraculously was close by and empty.  It might have been a handicap bathroom but I consider shit in your pants a handicap.  Ok so she is still in a diaper but she is so close to being potty trained it's stupid.

not actually my real nanny kid but it looked kinda like this.

I manage to stick the kid on the toilet before anything happens in the diaper.  She does her thing and tells me she is done.  It goes like this:

Kid #1: (on toilet) "I done!"

Me: "are you sure sweetie?  Why don't you try a little bit longer?"

Kid #1: "NO! I done!

Me: (looking in potty at giant poop)  "Ok, I guess that looks like you probably are done."

I wipe her up and re-diaper her and then stick the Kid #2 on the potty dismissing her protests.

Kid #2: "I don't want to go!  I only want to potty at MY house!"

Me: "just try for a minute while we are here and see what happens''

Kid #2: "NO!  I don't have to go!"

Kid #1: "Reecee? (thats me) I pooping!"

Me: "ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS!!!!"

Immediately rip Kid #2 off potty and pull down Kid #1's pants/diaper....too late.  Runny poop already landed in diaper.  Did I mention before we are about to now be late to pick up 4 year old from school?  So here's where this story actually gets entertaining.  As I am playing musical potty and literally with shit on my hands (It happens people.  Way too often!) I hear my phone buzz with a text.  Why would I answer it you think?  I mean I have shit on my hands!  I am thinking it might be the mom of the 4 year old making sure I am the one picking him up so I answer it.  Wrong.  It's my BF texting me to tell me that she is 5 weeks pregnant.  So with two fussing toddlers in a handicap bathroom, stressed that I am going to be late and with shit on my hands I burst into tears.

My BF has a 4 year old already.  When she and her husband decided to try to get pregnant the first time they planned a vacation (probably not even knowing when she was going to ovulate) with the intention of making a baby and they did.  She came back from their trip and a week later got a BFP.  That's what I am dealing with here friends.   She told me about two months ago that she was going to start TTC this coming August so I was mentally preparing myself for this to happen but I was holding on to a shred of hope that maybe, just maybe I would get pregnant first.  Why they didn't stick to the plan and wait until August I don't know.

So I was/am pretty devastated for the rest of the day/my life.  I sucked it up until I got off work and then I let the tears flow as I drove home.  I texted B (husband) as soon as I got in the door.  Here's our text exchange.

Me: "BF just texted me that she's five weeks pregnant :( "

B: "Sorry honey"

Me: "I am sitting on the toilet crying"

B: "Noooo Reecee.  We are going to have a baby and it's going to be waaaay cuter than BF's.  I know it's not fair that it's harder for us, but you can't lose faith.  I love you and I hope you're preggers right now!" 

this is not actually me. 

Isn't that the best text ever?!  My husband is awesome but he does not always say the right things.  This was one time when he said EXACTLY what I needed to hear.  So then I cried because I am so lucky to be TTC with him!

(Disclaimer to my BF in case you ever come across this blog and read this, we of course absolutely do not REALLY mean that we think our baby will be cuter than yours.  We are just insanely jealous and have to say things like this to ourselves to make us feel better.  Please do not take it personally.  I love you and you make beautiful babies.) 

So now after all that mushy butterflies and sunshine we get back to the reality of my current situation.  I didn't even get to see B that night because I was performing out of town and I left before he got home.  I was sharing a bedroom and bathroom with 3 other girls  for the weekend.  I woke up early before anyone else was really awake on Sat am.  I tossed and turned for a bit and had a familiar feeling.  I snuck out to the bathroom trying not to wake anyone and sure enough, there was my period.  My heart dropped into my stomach.  I was 99% sure that I was not pregnant and that our first IUI was going to be a BFN but still.  Paired with the failure of our first IUI and the news of my BF's BFP, it was just too much.  I tried so hard to just brush it off and suck it up.  I went back into the bedroom where a few girls were starting to wake up and I knew I just had to get out of there!  I threw on clothes from the day before and got directions to a coffee shop even though everyone was going to make breakfast together.  I felt really bad for being rude to our hosts and not joining in with breakfast but I had to be by myself because I needed to lose my shit in private.  I felt like a drama queen for acting so picky and princessy but I needed to let out all my tears so I could get through the rest of the day.  And I knew that if I stayed there and lost my shit in front of everyone I would be way more of a drama queen. 

I walked in the rain (it was totally like a bad movie) and cried and cried.  I got to the coffee shop and then wrote my BF a text.  I had already been feeling guilty that I hadn't responded to her.  I am sure she was wondering why I was ignoring her big news.  I was honest.  I told her that of course I am happy for her but it is really hard for me.  It's not fair that everyone else and their mother (literally!) gets to get pregnant with ease while we have been on an emotional and financial roller coaster for 3 years.  I feel left out, lonely, sad, bitter, angry and it makes me think horrible thoughts about people I love and then I hate myself for thinking and feeling that way.  It's like an emotional prison sentence.  Everyone gets to plan their life and proceed into the future but I don't.  I just get to grow old.  My plan was to have a baby before I turned 30.  Then have another before 35.  Here I am about to turn 32 and I have no idea when or how a baby is going to come to me.  I find myself repeating a phrase I said 10 million times while I was growing up, IT'S NOT FAIR!

It has been 5 days since my BF told me she is preggo.  It's been 4 days since I got my period.  The shock has worn off a little.  I had wonderful support from Teresa at impatiently waiting in the first several hours after AF arrived.  Her empathy was so kind, I truly felt like she was holding my hand for the rest of the day.  She periodically checked in with me and made it so much easier for me to pull myself together.  I am eternally grateful that I found her and all of you while in the darkest time of my life (god I hope this is the darkest!).  Just over a month ago I felt utterly alone and like no one in the world could possibly know how shitty this infertility struggle can be.  Man, was I wrong!  I don't know if misery loves company or what but it is so comforting to know that other women are going through exactly what I am going through.  Other women have gone through worse than what I am experiencing and they have conquered it.

So what is next?  I started taking my fourth round of Letrozol (Femera) on Sun.  I set up an ultrasound to count follicles on CD12 next Wed and we will proceed with our second IUI.  It's really bad timing with my student's dress rehearsal and dance recital so I am not sure that I will have the time to go in for the IUI if I ovulate on the wrong day.  I am crossing my fingers I wont ovulate until CD 16.  I usually ovulate between CD13 -CD 18 so cross your fingers for me.

And thanks for reading this really ridiculously long post.